Eternal Echoes

Evidence of grace...

Do you ever stop to ask yourself who you might have become were it not for the grace of God?

These words from Paul are a challenge to me;

1 Tim. 1:12-17     I'm so grateful to Christ Jesus for making me adequate to do this work. He went out on a limb, you know, in trusting me with this ministry. The only credentials I brought to it were invective and witch hunts and arrogance. But I was treated mercifully because I didn't know what I was doing—didn't know Who I was doing it against! Grace mixed with faith and love poured over me and into me. And all because of Jesus.
    Here's a word you can take to heart and depend on: Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners. I'm proof—Public Sinner Number One— of someone who could never have made it apart from sheer mercy. And now he shows me off—evidence of his endless patience—to those who are right on the edge of trusting him forever.

       Deep honour and bright glory
            to the King of All Time—
        One God, Immortal, Invisible,
            ever and always. Oh, yes!

What might I write? I wasn't conducting witch hunts, so what credentials did I bring to this ministry...

...those of confusion and broken relationships,  fear and lack of confidence?

It would be easy to say that I wasn't as bad a Paul- but then what exactly do I use to measure that with?

In a comment on a previous post one of the commenter's spoke of seeing God as transcendent, and whilst I agree with that, I also believe that we need to know the God who comes close, who breaks into our lives either gently- born in the night, known only to shepherds and angels, - revealing himself bit by bit, or in a shocking way as Jesus confronted Paul on the Damascus road....

Jesus came to me gently, revealing himself little by little, first to the confused teenager whose parents divorce was a hard thing to handle, he introduced my to a loving community- his church...

Then to a young mother struggling with the illness of her son, as the God who comes close, who sees our tears and answers our prayers...( even if the answer is sometimes no, or silence)... through tears and confusion I learnt to pray....

.. and now- the one who was too afraid to ask for a bag of sugar at a corner shop finds herself leading and preaching...

The one who was afraid of relationships has been married for almost 26 years, and has 5 amazing children... and I find myself called as all Christ followers do, called into a ministry of reconciliation- by the Holy Spirit reconciling people to God...

..yes I believe God's ways are mysterious, but I also believe that s/he desires a personal relationship with us, and calls us to be open to the mystery of that, to reach beyond our understanding, to know and to be known by the creator of the world, the author and perfecter of our faith. If we are able to be open, truly open to the possibility and reality of relationship with a mysterious yet immanent God, might we grasp like Paul the wonder of;

    Grace mixed with faith and love poured over us and into us. And all because of Jesus. ...That he might reveal in us evidence of his endless patience—to those who are right on the edge of trusting him forever.

            

Self Love

The first few paragraphs of this post are copied from Jemila Monroe's post from the Emerging Women blog, she raises some interesting and important points and questions:

"Miroslav Volf writes in Free of Charge that when the Spirit of Christ indwells us, God occupies the space, of "I," so that Christ lives in and through us; the cooperation and intimacy between our spirit and God's spirit becomes so intimate that there is in some ways no distinction.When we love, it is truly God loving through us. When we will God's will, it is also God willing through us.

What does this have to do with self-love? Simply that when we love ourselves, it is God loving us through us.

It isn't even controversial to talk about showing someone else the love of God, or letting God love someone through our presence, our actions, our listening, our acceptance. But somehow when we apply this exact same theology to self-love we feel a little worried. Is it self-indulgent? Selfish? Shouldn't we make ourselves feel guilty for our failures so we can improve? Is God loving us through loving ourselves too close to saying that we are God?

Or sin of all sins, Is self-love New-Agey?

If it's wrong to allow God to love us through our own spirit-filled self-love, then let's be consistent: It's plain wrong to let God love others through our love. Trying to let Christ shine through us to others is too close to self-worship.

Or does loving self in God's Spirit actually lead to the death of ego and the birth of a renewed life?"

I am greatly indebted to a friend who has consistently pointed out the command of Jesus to love others as we love ourselves- stating quite simply that it is impossible to love others unless we have a healthy and Godly love for ourselves!

"Mark 12:28-31     One of the religion scholars came up. Hearing the lively exchanges of question and answer and seeing how sharp Jesus was in his answers, he put in his question: "Which is most important of all the commandments?"
    Jesus said, "The first in importance is, listen, Israel: The Lord your God is one; so love the Lord God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and energy.'  And here is the second: Love others as well as you love yourself.' There is no other commandment that ranks with these."

Note Jesus words- " there is no other commandment that ranks with these". Godly self love then is different to selfish self love- so how do begin to love ourselves without getting it wrong?

Many of us struggle with self-love, we see ourselves as unworthy, and as unlovable, we know ourselves well enough to be aware of our faults and flaws, and feel like failures. Shame can lead us to cover these faults with the fig leaves of human efforts, and yet inwardly we know that God sees right through them, we do not fool God nor do we fool ourselves, and we fear that others will see through our flimsy covering.

In his letter John writes; "Perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4 : 18)- dare we then drop our fig leaves before the God who loves us perfectly- to discover that there is no fear in love, that if we would only turn towards the one who loves us perfectly and stop trying to cover and defend ourselves,  we would be swept into a loving embrace. Dare we discover ourselves engulfed in a love so deep and wide that we will never be able to find the edges of it?

To be loved in this way requires that we stop hiding from love, that we allow ourselves to become vulnerable, that we cease to believe the lies that only the rich and the beautiful or the extraordinarily talented are worthy of love. To be loved like this requires us to acknowledge that we are indeed fearfully and wonderfully made(Psalm 139), and  that we can say with confidence that because God first loved us we too are able to receive and give love!

To truly love- perhaps one of the greatest pictures we have of this comes from Song of Songs- that book we shy away from because we daren't read the loosed sexual passions that confront us with power and purity!

"Song 8:7
        Flood waters can't drown love,
            torrents of rain can't put it out.
        Love can't be bought, love can't be sold—
            it's not to be found in the marketplace."

I am not advocating a Christian orgy, rather I am suggesting there is something pure about love when we allow it to penetrate our souls. This God-given picture of human love in purity should encourage rather than dismay us. Song of Songs offers us a picture of the beloved discovering herself loved, and delighting in that love. In knowing herself loved, love was awakened and grew within....

True love recognises itself as being the beloved, true love awakens within us a desire to give. We must learn to love ourselves because Jesus commanded it- but first I suggest we must learn to accept the love of God, and through that love as we discover ourselves loved, and in that discovery as we allow the love of God to occupy the space of the selfish "I ", we will love others also.

                                    

Sermon musing- Mary & Martha

The story of Mary and Martha is a bit like a very British delicacy (hmmmm) Marmite; for people either love it and are encouraged by it, or it seems they hate it feeling condemned unfairly by Jesus stinging words to Martha.... I have to admit to loving Marmite- and once I get past the surface shock I also find that I am challenged and changed by this account of the two sisters....

Just for a moment let's look at a traditional interpretation of the scene- Jesus has come to visit, he and his disciples are welcomed into the home of Mary, Martha and Lazarus- with all of these extra mouths to feed Martha gets busy immediately- she bustles around preparing a meal, making sure everyone is comfortable and catered for....

....Mary on the other hand is to be found sitting at Jesus feet, listening intently to his every word, hot and bothered and more than a little flustered Martha breaks onto the scene, demanding that Mary should be sent to help her.....

Now as a wife and mother I can truly identify with Martha- I can recall numerous occasions when it seems as if I am the only one doing any work- the endless round of meals that need cooking and clothes that need washing can become overwhelming, it is all to easy to become cranky and not a little resentful about the demands of domestic life. More than once I have interrupted my family's T.V. viewing with demands for help....

... and yet there is also a part of me that also longs to be a Mary- to sit at Jesus feet, to drink in his words of wisdom, to allow the rush and bustle of life to pass me by- to declare that right now meals and clothes take second place!

... let's step back from this not so cosy domestic scene and read the story again, let's allow it to challenge us afresh;

"Jesus and his disciples went on their way. Jesus came to a village where a woman named Martha lived. She welcomed him into her home. She had a sister named Mary.

   Mary sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was busy with all the things that had to be done. She came to Jesus and said, "Lord, my sister has left me to do the work by myself. Don't you care? Tell her to help me!"

Martha was consumed with busyness it is true- and although this busyness has been traditionally and possibly correctly interpreted as domestic tasks, it is not the tasks themselves but the all consuming busyness that is challenged by Jesus... the all consuming busyness- the busyness that took her away from fellowship with Jesus and the disciples and Mary- and propelled her into countless tasks leaving her frazzled and upset.

..and I wonder how often we too are consumed with busyness- too distracted to realise how ineffective and dis-ordered we become, simply because we have neglected to be in Jesus presence, to spend time with God, to be still enough to ask for the Holy Spirit's fullness to revive and refresh the very core of our beings?

It was not so much the tasks that hindered Martha as her pre-occupation with them, and her attitude towards those who were willing to sit and to receive, this busyness is a symptom of 21st century life- I just caught an advert for a mobile with Internet access encouraging folk with the goodness that purchasing such a wonder would mean that not one minute need be wasted- we could be busy surfing the net or checking our e-mail wherever we are- no limits to our connectedness....

I wonder sometimes how I used to manage without such technology- without the sense of being  available, busyness overtakes and overwhelms me and I end up shouting for someone to come and help me- my focus slips from being one of joyful service to God to one of frustration with folk around me- my own family often coming top of the list!

The point is that I need to let go of my connection with busyness and to embrace a deeper connection with the lover of my soul, the author and perfecter of my faith....

There is a Mary inside crying to b let out, crying out for a chance to be, a chance to sit at Jesus feet and to absorb his teaching, a chance to wonder at a sunset, to take time to breathe, to be disconnected from busyness and simply to be.... A Mary who longs to pray and to meditate and who needs to do so lest she would shrivel and die inside...

Martha's could be workaholic dad's or ministers, Martha's could be nurses or teachers, Dr's or Social workers, engineers, or housewives, ... the list is as endless as life's possible distractions are, good and pure motives can be so easily become overwhelmed with frustrations...

... to draw near to God and to feel her embrace... and from that receiving to go again into the world of busyness with a lighter heart, and a firmer step....

I don't believe it was Martha's tasks that Jesus was challenging but rather her inability to sit and to be because she had become chocked by the weeds of distraction, and found herself unable to sink her roots into good soil, to rest beside still waters...

..Jesus words are a challenge to us today- Mary has chosen the better part- she has chosen to come aside, to listen and to be still...

Matthew 11:28-30     "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.  Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

BE STILL, for the presence of the Lord, the Holy One is here;

Come bow before Him now with reverence and fear.

In Him no sin is found, we stand on holy ground;

Be still, for the presence of the Lord, the Holy One is here.

.

Be still, for the glory of the Lord is shining all around;

He burns with holy fire, with splendour He is crowned.

How awesome is the sight, our radiant King of light!

Be still, for the glory of the Lord is shining all around.

.

Be still, for the power of the Lord is moving in this place;

He comes to cleanse and heal, to minister His grace.

No work too hard for Him, in faith receive from Him;

Be still, for the power of the Lord is moving in this place.

.

                        

Back-ache and worship...

It has been a long day, I have been suffering from terrible back ache, I printed out my order of service this morning and somehow put my back out lifting the service sheet from the printer....now had it been a heavy book it would all make sense, but a piece of paper! I am not happy....

Having said that the service at Feltwell was really good, a couple of new faces have changed the dynamic of the interactive sermon,  we really got our teeth into the Luke passage, discussing how Jesus calls us out of our comfort zones at times. It was one of those occassions when the worship took us to amazing depths- dare I say our worship led us to a thin place, where we were aware of the Spirit moving amongst us and helping us to be real....

We sang just as I am, and it became a holy encounter, voices barely audiable, yet a real and deep engagement being entered into.....

I believe these experiences are significant and transformative,not that we should place all of our emphasis on seeking the next experience, but that they highlight the deeply relational nature of God, and remind us that salvation is an ongoing process.

A part of this mornings' liturgy:

Come God

Come walk with you people

For you alone are our strength and glory

AND WE PUT OUR TRUST IN YOU

Come God

Come walk behind us, beside us, before us

For you alone are our strength and glory

AND WE PUT OUR TRUST IN YOU

Come God

Come and seek and find us and put us right

For you alone are the light in our darkness

AND WE PUT OUR TRUST IN YOU

Come God

We know you are near

The sound of your footsteps sets us dancing

HELP US TO PRAISE AND WORSHIP YOU

Music, reading, candles, and stones

Today has been interesting... I woke late- yes even taking into account the hours leeway given by the clock change... and for once I had no service to lead or MBS Exhibition to go to... I thought about heading to church but decided against it...

I had the house to myself, Tim and Jo had gone to sail the final open meeting of the year, Jon and Chris had both gone out to church... so I put on some worship music, lit a candle ( yes yes very touchy feel-y) and sat down with a cup of coffee to read my Bible...

... as I listened to the lyrics of the worship songs I know so well I reflected on how far I have moved theologically over the last four years- there were many songs I could not sing...in fact I just about got through the first CD when I turned the whole lot off...even the reading was now difficult now...

One song I could stay with was Delirious- My Glorious

My Glorious

The world's shaking with the love of God
Great and glorious, let the whole earth sing
And all you ever do is change the old for new
People we believe that

God is bigger than the air I breathe
The world we'll leave
God will save the day and all will say
My glorious!

Clouds are breaking, heaven's come to earth
Hearts awakening let the church bells ring
And all you ever do is change the old for new
People we believe that

The lyrics aren't great but they sort of reflect a struggle to name God- and My Glorious is rather an interesting title... though I'm not sure thats what they mean! Give me a Wesleyan hymn... but even those can be difficult!

I was struck by Bartimaeus though- how brave he was in such a position of weakness to keep on calling out like that- also by Jesus giving him a place of honour by asking the towns people to go and fetch him!

I kept the candle lit all morning- it seemed important somehow- a prayer offered though there were no words...

Chris came home and decided that he would cook lunch- he made Enchiladas- not your typical Sunday lunch - but I'm not complaining... anyway typical Sunday lunch here is often beans on toast between services!

That freed me up to browse around some blogs and I was really challenged by Lorna's post about spiritual refreshment... or as she delicately put it tanked up! I thought about the things that feed me, and those things that simply drain me ... some were hard to acknowledge... like the fact that I am finding leading worship and preaching very hard right now... I feel like I'm on a 5 hymn prayer sandwich treadmill much of the time!

Reading Lorna's post freed me and encouraged me to drive to the coast ( surprise surprise) and walk along the beach for a couple of hours... I'd been collecting stones on Friday- but today went just for me...

I walked onto the beach and immediately saw a heart shaped stone- I knew it was for me so picked it up and started walking- to start with it felt like a gift- but as I walked God revealed to me how my heart has gradually been turning to stone, every emotional bump and bruise that I choose to hang on to adds another bit of stone... so I walked and prayed and asked God to reveal those things I was holding...

Over the last few years we have had a rough ride as a family, and it has hurt, I was angry with God and although greatly helped by Nicola Slee's Psalm of anger given to me earlier in the summer, I had picked up a lot of other stuff including a whole load of unforgiveness towards myself; and that can be the toughest stuff to deal with... why is it so hard to own our own brokenness???

... as I walked and prayed I knew that I was going to have to give the stone up, my first thought was to hang onto it until next Saturday's service with ERMC at Ditchingham, but I knew that a week of festering over all of this was not going to be very productive... and anyway God said no- now I'd acknowledged all this stuff I was not going to be allowed to hang onto it!

So I walked out to a point where I could jump across the mud flats and reach the water and hurled the stone into the water and mud towards the sunset which was casting rainbow images across the water....

Do I feel different- no- but it was a prayer made in obedience to an inner compulsion that was either my own craziness of the Holy Spirits prompting... but I'm left with a promise:

Come Holy Spirit come...

Eze 36:26

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

Smelling our sex- women doing theology and the Western Church...

Having provoked people to thought with a post on Gnosticism women doing theology and the western church, I thought I'd better have a go ( having promised) to unpack these thoughts a little more- but I warn you as I did on the original posts these thoughts are in a formative stage, and may be wildly over stretched and over connected!

First to answer Rodney's questions- it may help to know a little of where I come from- I have no grounding in Christian teaching. neither of my parents would have called themselves Christian- to add to this I picked up nothing at school having attended The Garden International School in Kuala Lumpur from the age of 3- 12. In my second year of senior level schooling my parents moved back to England a few turbulent years followed; and I ended up in St Peters High School Burnham On Crouch... suffice to say I underwent a huge cultural shift in my early teens!

I started to attend church for two reasons, one was a serious seeking, and secondly a need to belong... I was accepted and welcomed, this was a milestone in my journey of faith...

My life in Malaysia had been relatively sheltered- a big English High School came as a shock- with this being at a formative stage in life and my parents concentrating on divorce I was all at sea in the complicated waters of discovering my own sexuality! I did not understand my body and the desires and "needs" that were surfacing- but as I talk to other women now I know that I was not alone- the mid- late seventies were still largely affected by the free love anything goes ethos of the 60's, but to put things in the immortal words of Mae West:

"Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere!"

This type of thinking is still prevalent in our society today- and good girls are pure and chaste... given the pressures of society and culture... we need to develop a way of reaching a generation who felt compelled to give themselves away sexually, whilst remaining pure... ( an impossible ask!)

Although I desperately wanted to be good, I did not fit into that category- I lived a dual existence, hiding one part of me from the other! I suggest this is an unacknowledged experience of many women in the west where for all our talk of equality and freedom neither of these things are acceptable in practise... overlay this with an expectation of innocence and purity from a largely patriarchal church and another layer of hiding is imposed!

I have great sympathy and empathy for the woman at the well in John Ch4- she smelled (metaphorically) of her sex, her life of searching for love had become confused and she was shunned by the society she lived in- I contend that for many women in the west  this is their story- were they free to tell it- even those who have not stepped beyond the conventional boundaries have surely been challenged by them! There is a deep need to be real, to express the confusion caused by a society that demands young mothers regain their shape soon after childbirth in order to become attractive sexual beings again... there is a deep need to challenge the manufacturers of children's clothing NOT to sell T-shirts adorned with words like "Sex Kitten" to 4 & 5 year olds!

Women are encouraged to excel intellectually and in business- but there is an underlying current that demands nevertheless that their lives be centred upon their husbands and families No matter how free the West claims to be this demand often causes women to be stretched in many different directions- in some cases to breaking point! For women like me whose creativity lies not in needlework nor in baking, but in the use of words and in thinking- there seems to be no safe place to express ourselves without the challenge to be something we are not! Also go ahead read the chapter- this woman is seriously asexual!!! We need the challenge of biblical women like Ruth and Esther to be held high, but how often is this the case??? How comfortable are we when women use their sensuality ( note not sex- but sensuality- these two things are different!)  to gain favour... we do not like to go there I think! It takes a woman confident in herself,  able to "smell" and control her own sexuality to  go into seemingly dangerous places for those who have long been declared rather patronisingly the "weaker sex"! Both Ruth and Esther did this with grace and control- Esther winning favour for her people- and preventing their destruction!

As for women in leadership roles; especially in male dominated areas such as the Church- here again there is a serious dualism at work- on the one hand- it is widely acknowledged that women are as intellectually capable as men- but because this often ( not always) expresses itself in feminine ways such as intuition and not rationality, this is rejected as inferior, because little time or effort is invested into understanding it. Womens leadership styles are often not those of traditional upfront trailblazers, rather they will be those who encourage people from behind, leading yet not standing out in obvious ways... those who dare to are often categorised as cold and hard... how many men are cold and hard if this is the case, and why is that acceptable?

I have been involved in working with an Evangelistic organisation for many years, I have a letter from the leader quoting General Booth who said:

" Some of my best men are women and such are you."

It was genuinely meant as a compliment, and I took it as such, but there is an underlying message there that challenges the core of who I am- I am a woman- I can never become one of the best men in the organisation because I am not a man, I do not act think or speak as a man! It has taken me a long time to define my own preaching style- because I was largely taught to preach by men- whose systematic approach was a mystery to me (having said that I did gain from their teaching, but have fought to retain my own style which is not systematic).

In may ways women who adopt a feminine leadership style are a challenge to the current systems- and although I know we are all different I wonder how many women are able to be true to themselves- or how about men who tend towards right brained functioning- must we wear masks of rationality and reason and order?

I have been challenged about my unsuitability for tasks which I have completed well, such as chairing meetings, and running events- I have been challenged by some about my suitability for Ministry- one man accused me of stealing my husbands glory ( see 1 Corinthians 11 vs 7)...

So when I speak of the need to smell my sex I am talking about the acknowledgement of who I am as a woman in Christ- of how my gifts and talents are expressed and of a deep desire to be real- many in the Western Church find this disturbing, and I contend that although women are being released into ministry and recognised as having gifts and talents in their own right- there is still an underlying demand for us to become as men- in order for the boat not to be rocked too far from its comfortable even keel!

These thoughts were sparked by Marcella Althous-Reid through her book Indecent Theology- as I read more I find myself more challenged- but also find that this challenge resonates deeply with me... are these dangerous water? I am not sure, they are largely uncharted especially from a Western perspective- it is one thing to speak from the standpoint of the poor and oppressed in Latin America whose experiences may resonate but are entirely other- it is another to take up the challenge of Indecent Theology from a Western perspective and to ask- in our apparently enlightened and free context - what does this mean- and what is God saying... how is She challenging me to learn and to grow?

Friday, walks and preparations

Started off the day slowly- it is my one official day off in the week... waited for Jo, Jon and Paul to clear the shower and get out to their respective courses before surfacing to coffee ( for me) and tea ( for Tim)... toast and marmalade... then out for a walk...

We went to Holme Beach, just north of Hunstanton, Sea Henge is nearby- it is an amazing part of the coastline, constantly changing each tide makes its mark- new salt marshes are appearing where there was only sand, deep gullies appear and disappear... it is hard to believe at times that you are returning to the same place! We walked for 5 miles along the shore and back... Tim went investigating various structures while I lay on the sand and allowed the sound of the waves to wash over me...

I love the sea, the smell, the sounds and the taste of salt in the air- I reflected on how my faith over the last few years has been much like this beach, fresh tides of revelation have swept over me, causing the landscape to change- but the location is still the same. I must remain centred upon Christ or I am lost- Gods love acts as an anchor for my soul, and although some of my certainties have been ripped away by tides and storms:

. .. and though I look across this new landscape in wonder- God remains the same, yet never the same... and I am lost in awe and wonder... I know that these photos show nothing but the emptiness of the horizon, but for me that is the point- I cannot know, nor can I capture the vastness of God, I cannot encompass Him in structures of my own making, nor can I explain Her .... I have fallen in love with the unknown and the unknowable, who gave everything by becoming human that I might know... and more sacrificed even that life for the love of such as me! I am overwhelmed by such love...

With a head and heart full of these wonders we headed home, soup and bread for lunch ... then for me to work, I have had no time this week to really prepare for the training day tomorrow in Woodbridge , the churches there are placing a stall into a Mind Body and Soul Exhibition, I am leading a training day tomorrow and a seminar in November at the Exhibition itself...

Here is the introduction to the seminar:

Making your journey into wholeness seminar-

Sally Coleman

This seminar takes a holistic approach to life; it  seeks to show how we can relate to the universe through acknowledging the image of the creator within us, and how that divine spark might be brought effectively into being.

Stressing that we are made up of three parts; mind, body, and spirit. it  looks at how an ancient approach to centring prayer based upon the Ancient Christian Scriptures can help us to achieve balance for life’s’ journey.

I have been collating training manuals this afternoon, and refreshing thoughts on the format of the day... part of it will involve role play and hopefully will not get me into too much hot water... as it did when role play was mistaken for a political agenda at the SCE Summer School!

I am looking forward to tomorrow despite the essential early start- this is my passion, this is my call- I love the spiritually hungry with a depth  I cannot explain, I long to see Gods life break forth, not in trammelled boundaries but in spirit and in truth.. in my life and in the life of others...

, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

Jn 8:31-32   

As for the previous post, deep calls to deep and there will be more... for love will not let me go, and I must be myself before God!

Journey Into Wholeness...

It has been a strange day- Tim woke early to drive in to Wesley House, the twins have been out at college, Paul went to Thetford to visit Rosabella (taking her a birthday present, she is 3 tomorrow)... Chris slept in he'd had a busy day on Sunday and needed the rest...

I managed some housework, made some important calls and sorted myself out for the week ahead- this included a time of prayer and heart searching, later I was helped by a good friend whose wisdom and loving attitude I really valued and needed today. ( thanks L)!

This evening I went to Linton to run a training session for the Journey Into Wholeness group there, we spent a good time in prayer, then looked at the ethos and practise of the Journey Into Wholeness project- followed by a time looking at praying for people when they come to the stand, how to relate to people who express a very different spirituality and at using the Jesus Deck as a tool to dialogue and sharing the gospel message.

The training was very rewarding and well received, they engaged well with the Jesus Deck, spending some time ministering to one another through it, and being amazed how God spoke!

I know from this that I am called to preach and teach and that I cannot, must not allow anything to come between me and that call, for through it I acknowledge that it is Christs love that compels me and he calls me to to share his love... and having received forgiveness and grace poured over me again,,, I am in the words of Note for a Child asking-

Can you make me live? Can your words be true?
Can you take this heart? Can you make it new?
Why can I not change all the pain I see?
Why do I do wrong? Is there something wrong with me?
My head is in my hands, the tears fall down my face,
Why do you forgive? Why cover me with grace?
How can I not search all these mysteries?
Forgive my unbelief, help me to believe

Driving down to Linton along the Ely road the sun was setting- and I was treated to an amazing fenland sunset- the sky wag golden and all the clouds were cast with a silver lining- I wish I'd had my camera with me, but I don't think I could do it justice! Coming home and I needed to detour- there was an accident on the A142, so I headed up the A11  around Thetford- driving through Thetford forest at night is always atmospheric- the deer feed at the roads edge- driving should be carried out respectfully through the Forest!

So today has been a day of repentance and restoration-I have made fresh steps on my Journey towards wholeness, and I am seeking to be a sign post to others

... by His grace ... I am what I am... and He will lead me on...

It has been a strange day- Tim woke early to drive in to Wesley House, the twins have been out at college, Paul went to Thetford to visit Rosabella (taking her a birthday present, she is 3 tomorrow)... Chris slept in he'd had a busy day on Sunday and needed the rest...

I managed some housework, made some important calls and sorted myself out for the week ahead- this included a time of prayer and heart searching, later I was helped by a good friend whose wisdom and loving attitude I really valued and needed today. ( thanks L)!

This evening I went to Linton to run a training session for the Journey Into Wholeness group there, we spent a good time in prayer, then looked at the ethos and practise of the Journey Into Wholeness project- followed by a time looking at praying for people when they come to the stand, how to relate to people who express a very different spirituality and at using the Jesus Deck as a tool to dialogue and sharing the gospel message.

The training was very rewarding and well received, they engaged well with the Jesus Deck, spending some time ministering to one another through it, and being amazed how God spoke!

I know from this that I am called to preach and teach and that I cannot, must not allow anything to come between me and that call, for through it I acknowledge that it is Christs love that compels me and he calls me to to share his love... and having received forgiveness and grace poured over me again,,, I am in the words of Note for a Child asking-

Can you make me live? Can your words be true?
Can you take this heart? Can you make it new?
Why can I not change all the pain I see?
Why do I do wrong? Is there something wrong with me?
My head is in my hands, the tears fall down my face,
Why do you forgive? Why cover me with grace?
How can I not search all these mysteries?
Forgive my unbelief, help me to believe

Driving down to Linton along the Ely road the sun was setting- and I was treated to an amazing fenland sunset- the sky wag golden and all the clouds were cast with a silver lining- I wish I'd had my camera with me, but I don't think I could do it justice! Coming home and I needed to detour- there was an accident on the A142, so I headed up the A11  around Thetford- driving through Thetford forest at night is always atmospheric- the deer feed at the roads edge- driving should be carried out respectfully through the Forest!

So today has been a day of repentance and restoration-I have made fresh steps on my Journey towards wholeness, and I am seeking to be a sign post to others

... by His grace ... I am what I am... and He will lead me on...

... by His grace ... I am what I am... and He will lead me on...

Falling in love again

I know it is the beginning of the Connexional year and therefore meetings are inevitable, but another day full of meetings and I am left wondering what it is about Christianity that I find attractive...

I have called myself a Christian for almost 30 years, I say almost because I am not one of those people who can pinpoint day place and time, but I do know that over a period of 5-6 years the need to connect with God became very important to me, I started to go to church around the age of 15, searching for purpose and peace... slowly I moved away from a place where I was trying to impress God with how good I was to a deep sense of being loved and accepted for who I am. That love and acceptance was brought into focus through the person of Jesus; and it was realising that my relationship with God flowed through and from him that triggered a welling up of love and worship from somewhere deep within me- I knew in a sense what it was to find a spiritual home...

I have been married to Tim for 25 years, it was  a love at first sight encounter, there was a moment very early in our relationship when we knew that this love was not a fleeting thing but ran much deeper than that. Having said that there have been not a few times when we have had to make a concerted effort to discover that love again, and at times it has seemed that the easy thing might be to walk away. Recent traumas in family life (Chris, moving etc) have meant that we have been around that loop again. We have had to face the fact that pressure does not always bring us together, and there have been times when the feeling of love has gone... or so it seems... we are not perfect and it might be that one day this will be the case; but for now a voyage of rediscovery is underway, and who knows where it will take us! Prayer and the grace of God have seen us through rough waters before!

Love for God and love in marriage can seem fragile, and in both cases there is a need to stop periodically and to see where the road has taken us, and to take stock of whether or not this is where we are meant to be. Drifting out of love and out of relationship can be a subtle thing, almost imperceptible...

Today I stopped and considered my love for God, and why it is that I feel the call to do this work, why it is that I can honestly say that I am more interested in calling people into relationship with the creator and sustainer of the universe than I am in getting them to join a club called "Church"...

The connection is strong... God moved into my life at my invitation:

Romans 8:16-17
    God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!

....and he is not about to let me go, and so I struggle with the tensions of relationship.. but it is worth the struggle. For love will not let go of the beloved without a fight.

Monday blues...

I have just spent two and a half hours at a Leadership Team Meeting.... arrrghh... I'm convinced that we could be through in half the time, but making mountains out of mole hills seems to be a speciality of church meetings! So hey ho... home now, but I'm frustrated and confused as usual....

Why didn't we pray together... we are supposed to be the leaders of this church, this circuit and we don't pray. we talk nonsense but we don't pray... and we wonder why we are dying....

Do we all come away feeling like this? (Lord help us to open up to one another)

Rant over...

The rest of the day has been filled with stuff, went out to one of the villages for their coffee morning, it was quiet, but meant we could talk to folk we don't normally get to spend much time with so that was good.

Home and tried to catch up with some housework and sort out a study schedule for the next year, I am starting the year feeling tired and frazzled so I guess things can only get better... decided to try  to return to my natural pattern of getting to bed early and rising early... I feel so much better when I do... might even find some quiet at the beginning of the day to spend in much needed prayer.

Jo and Jon are getting ready to go back to college and I am wading through their papers and books as they work on last minute projects and sort out schedules for the coming term...

I even had a mad half hour when I decided to tackle our rather overgrown hedge... (needed to take things out on something!!!)

The rest of the week is busy filled with a mixture of visits and meetings, though I'm having lunch with Helen, my staff mentor from ERMC,  on Thursday and am looking forward to that...

I've tried to read through Rowan Williams -"Why Study the Past", one of the core books for the Church History Module, I like his writing but am finding concentrating difficult today... other texts are on order but haven't arrived yet... ah well...

There are times in the midst of study and meetings and planning services and pastoral visits when I loose sight of why I am doing this... when I loose the sense of wonder that God has called and chosen me to be an ambassador for his kingdom, when I loose touch with the wonder of the relationship he offers to people everywhere... that I forget to pray, and I become empty and dry...

I am so thankful that God is a gracious God, slow to anger and abounding in love,

I am so thankful that I can turn back to him again and again and find reassurance and acceptance and strength...

and I am so amazed that God chooses to remind me of my need , not in harsh ways but by gently leading and guiding me until I notice the hunger within and recognise it for what it is... and stop trying to feed it with the wrong thing but rather turn again into the ancient paths where I can find rest for my soul (Jer 6:16)...

GOD OF GRACE, I turn my face

To You, I cannot hide;

My nakedness, my shame, my guilt,

Are all before Your eyes.

...

Strivings and all anguished dreams

In rags lie at my feet,

And only grace provides the way

For me to stand complete.

...

And Your grace clothes me in righteousness,

And Your mercy covers me in love.

Your life adorns and beautifies,

I stand complete in You.

Chris Bowater