Eternal Echoes

On living water

I have been pondering the power of shame and the fear of exposure, powers and fears that often cause us to hide from ourselves and push us either inward to a place of  self-loathing or an outward place of masquerade, and I suspect that the two are often held in tension while we hide from the truth.  But we fail to acknowledge our fears and our shame to our own peril, for I have come to believe that they are a strange gift, and can introduce us to ourselves in a powerful way. Struggling with my current depression and the reasons for that depression have caused me to dare to encouter my shames and my fears, yesterday I was helped in this trough an encounter with the Woman at the well that turned my thoughts upside down!

It began with the text, the woman leaves the village with her water jar, though empty it is heavy with shame, a shame that she wants nobody to witness, hence she leaves the village at mid-day, when others are sheltering from the heat she makes her way to the well.  As my Spiritual Director and i pondered the text she pointed out that as it was mid-day the woman would cast no shadow, and pondered the psychological danger of that, Jung is keen that we engage with shadow work, but acknowledges the difficulties of it;

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"The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge." 

Aion (1951). CW 9, Part II: P.14

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I recognise this struggle within myself, despite the discomfort of the heat of mid-day, like the woman I find that it is easier to avoid my shadow than to deal with it, what she didn't know was that she was about to deal with it, for Christ whose light reveals our shadows was already waiting for her at the well. The story unfolded, he asked her much to her surprise for a drink, and then offered her living water in exchange. Curiosite piqued she acknowledged her desire for this living life giving water and he drew the truth from her. The stagnant shame that she carried within was drawn out by his gentle questioning and his affirming acceptance of who she was. In a sense she had bared her soul before him and he (unlike others) did not condemn her. In a  sense he restored her to herself, allowing her to be herself an accepting her for who she was. I wondered then what it felt like to have such a burden lifted from you soul.

We hear so little about Samaritan theology, but like the Jews they too were longing for the coming of the one who would put things right, they called hi the Taheb or Ta'eb, the restorer, or the star. In the last days the Samaritans believed that he would come and usher in a new day of justice, rebuliding the temple on Mount Gerizim. Her question to Jesus regarding the correct place to worship, this mountain or Jerusalem is a classic who is right and who is wrong question; but he reveals another way, the way of Spirit and of truth where living water is available for all.

As I pondered all of this I was able to begin to tell the truth about myself, in meditation I used Sieger Koder's image of the Woman looking into the well and seeing herself reflected in its depths, with Jesus reflected alongside her looking at her with infinite compassion. How must she have felt to be viewed in such a way, how do I feel, can I recieve such a gaze?

I began this post by talking about fear and shame, and have to report tat once again in the face of love they are washed away. As much as I might like to cling to them for the distorted safety net that they provide they have no place where love is concerned. Exposure is no longer terrifying because it simply reveals our true self, our image of God deeply loved and cherished self, in the face of that the stone of deciet is rolled away and new life can begin.

We enter life through life giving water, to be born and re-born of the Spirit; and I agree with Richard Rhor in his meditation yesterday that Salvation, or being bron anew is an ongoing process, he stated that;

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"Salvation is not a divine transaction that takes place because you are morally perfect, but much more: it is an organic unfolding, a becoming who you already are, an inborn sympathy with and capacity for the very One who created you and everything else too."

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Or to quote Jung again;

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To confront a person with his shadow is to show him his own light. Once one has experienced a few times what it is like to stand judgingly between the opposites, one begins to understand what is meant by the self. Anyone who perceives his shadow and his light simultaneously sees himself from two sides and thus gets in the middle. 

Good and Evil in Analytical Psychology" (1959). In CW 10. Civilization in Transition. P.872

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So what happens when your world is turned upside down by love and you are issued an invitation to enter into life afresh? I want to share with you how Koders image spoke to me when I turned it upside down. I find myself with Christ looking through the waters of rebirth at what it might be to take a childlike leap of faith into newness.

Surely that is what propelled the woman back to her village, the blank disapproval of the disciples had not touched her, it was joy and living water within her that propelled her to run in amongst those who had condemned her to share her news.

Living water sets us free, the Spirit does not accuse or condemn, but gently waits while we reveal our truths, our hurts, our pains, and our percieved failings. The miracle of living water is that cleansed and healed all of these can become catalysts for real and sustained growth.

I am grateful to the woman at the well for shining her light upon me so that I could see my shadow in a new way.I could encounter, accept and even love the parts of myself that I usually hide. There was no shame, only compassion, but compassion was born of truth not a mask, nor a percieved need to conform to or please those around me. I have allowed that to die away and fall like an autumn leaf, and while I recognise that this is and will continue to be an ongoing process I am grateful for the streams of living water that have begun to flow afresh in my soul, and all will be well ( no pun intended).

Image; Deep flow (mine)

 

 

 

 

on emptiness...

I have nothing to give,

nothing to share,

I am nothing,

all is empty,

I survey the horizon

and see nothing,

my heart craves love,

my mind craves truth,

but nothing,

there is nothing, nothing of myself...

BUT there is you,

and when  I dare to lean on you,

dare to trust you,

dare to draw upon you

I become more,

I am freed,

I am me

hidden in Christ with God,

 a new creation,

transformed,

loved, 

known,

one,

filled,

confident,

me...

with God...

mindful...

I want to savour life,

to taste the moment,

to be awake to its

blessings and pains,

to know myself,

to be aware of my reactions,

to be willing to hold them

as treasures or a dross,

to grow, to be

transformed, inwardly

transformed,

able to love and to give,

to heal and to hear,

to celebrate and even

to mourn...

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so I pray for grace,

for an inner well of

stillness,

a centering source

of truth,

a connection to the holy,

where the chatter and distractions

of my days

can be sifted and sorted

in loves kinder light...

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Image Centered 

S. Coleman

Evensong; a prayer for the ending at the beginning of a day ( responding to Stephen Cherry's poem)

  
As this day ends

may I see

echoes of your grace

woven through its

words and actions,

may I know that I have not

walked it alone,

may I have trusted you,

waited on you,

listened for you,

please lift me when 

I stumble,

please hold me when I quake

with fear,

rejoice with me

weep with me,

and help me to be open,

when this day ends

grant me

your grace,

your healing,

your forgiveness

and your love

when this day ends

may I find my peace

in you...

Awe and wonder .  Photo mine

God light; On being thanked... ( reflections on self knowledge)

I am reading Stephen Cherry's "Barefoot Prayers" as my Lent book this year and really enjoying his poems. This morning the poem reflected on the issue of receiving thanks, he described the delight and discomfort of it, how we both need and enjoy it and brush it off in embarrassment.

"I want to push it back,

to shake it off,

to negative the positive.

To make it neutral: "it was nothing,";

your thanks is nothing".

But neither were nothing.

I have been thanked for my effort and

skill, diligence and care.

I am thrilled.

Yet still I am cautious, in case

in thrilling something is spoilt,

or lost."

This is something I can identify with quite strongly, for while it is gratifying and encouraging to be thanked it can also be uncomfortable and even make me want the ground to open up and swallow me at times. I do not want the spotlight, and yet stepping in to my calling requires me to step into the light, but sometimes what that light shows up can be discomforting to say the least. When I step into the light I step into a place where I am known, a place where I cannot be false, because I cannot be false in the light, but I must reflect that the true light and the limelight are by nature at odds with one another, and perhaps that is my conundrum.

If I court the limelight, actively seeking attention and applause I am almost always wearing a mask, acting out a role, letting you see what I perceive what you want to see, if I step into the true light then the mask is seen for what it is, a hiding place at best, and a falsehood at worst. I am not decrying good acting or storytelling, which has a place in illuminating and speaking truth to our lives, but rather asking questions of our very human tendency to hide in plain sight. So maybe it is being thanked for not being ourselves that places us in a very uncomfortable position! When we mumble words it wasn't me we reveal a deeper, darker truth, and the true light begins to do its work...

True light, God light shows things up for what they are, but it is not a light that we need to fear, for in God light we find love and grace to cast away the shadows of fear. God light reveals our deeper selves in a gentle, encouraging, gracious and healing way. God light allows us to see ourselves, warts, wonders and all. When we are standing and living in God light and we are thanked we can respond with true humility and celebrating the gifts and talents he has given to us we can respond, thank you, by the grace of God I am who I am...

Journey: When light meets the dark. S Coleman

the choice....

i have a choice,

and today i choose life,

life in its complexity,

in its absurdity,

life filled

with challenges,

life demanding questions,

offering few answers,

life in its ups and

its downs,

life to be lived

and breathed,

to be faced head on

and grasped

with determination

and faith,

i have a choice,

and today i choose life

creative,

abundant,

overwhelming,

perplexing,

life...

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i have a choice,

and today i choose life,

i choose life

for life has

chosen me!

Emmaus Road...

...step by painful step

he walked

with us,

 listened to

our grief,

 heard

our pain,

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step by painful step

he kept in step

with us,

opening

our hearts,

unfolding

truths

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step by painful step,

he was with us,

shared our pain

walked our grief,

and here

told his story

a tale of hope,

of love

life

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our hearts

began to burn,

and we began to see...

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NOT A GENERAL ELECTION POST!!!! What has happened to spirituality and experience????

I have spent nearly my whole day immersed in words again, reading the Scriptures, looking for hymns, formulating prayers, writing reports, thinking, taking notes.... the list goes on...

At the same time I am mulling over some recent conversations ( more words); talking to creative friends who are frustrated a resistance to creativity that is so much in evidence in our now very word based Christian traditions, listening to a Local Preacher talk of how it was his experience of God that kept him faithful during a difficult personal time....

...and yet time and again we shy away from talking of our experiences, relegating them to second or third place, unsure what to do with them. Time and again I talk to folk who dislike imagery because of the emotional response it evokes from them, or run from creative expression in worship declaring that it has no place there...

Even creative workshops and quiet days seem to be suffering a backlash of anti-spirituality/ experiential thinking. I am beginning to feel like the thirsty traveler who discovered a pool of water only to have folk come along and tell me it is bad to drink from it....

Suddenly it seems to me that word and tradition are re-asserting their prominence in some circles over experience and a rise in thinking and talking about spirituality...

Does anyone know why?

Or am I going mad quietly on my own????

Because I need both, don't get me wrong, I love words, and I love the Scriptures, and I believe that there are depths within our traditions that would be a terrible loss were we to shun them. But I also need creativity, I need to pray with more than words and I struggle many times to find God through listening to a 20 minute 3 point sermon....

I need to experience worship with others, to find God through art, or music or meditation, through planting a seed, or felting a stone, or meditating on an indoor  fountain....

As a Methodist the Wesleyan Quadrilateral is important to me, and experience is an essential part of it; it is about my personal and communal experience of Christ, an experience that demands that I am whole, body mind and spirit whole. My faith did not begin in my head, it began with an experience, an opening of my heart to accept that I was loved by God....

Without that experience I would have given up long ago, as would my Local Preacher friend....

How about you???

Time out from tinsel....

This morning  I as looked out across my garden it seemed that winter had arrived, bare branches reached skywards  where only a few months ago there were flowers and green shrubs. Now the leaves have fallen, and the bare branches of many of the shrubs have been pruned back.The scene in monochrome, even the vegetable beds are waiting for the new season, the soil has been dug and the beds prepared but they are bare, open to the winter rains and frosts...

Yesterday I re-potted a couple of my orchids, even these indoor plants have entered into a time of waiting, their stalks have been pruned back, their colourful exotic flowers are gone for this year, and I have moved them to a place where they will receive just the right amount of warmth and light for the waiting time....

There seems to be little life in the garden, and the orchids look like dead sticks, but all is not what it seems, new life is simply waiting to burst forth when the time is right, but for now this bit of creation has entered into the waiting time.

In contrast to the quiet and stillness of my garden are  the local shops where even in the village Christmas has arrived with full force, adverts in the local Co-op tempt us not to wait until Christmas Day to begin feasting, while in a neighbouring village the lights have been on for weeks now. If I turn on the television I am bombarded with adverts, the radio offers the same constant feed of consumerism, preparation is all about consumption.

No wonder we are weary, we have lost the ability to truly rest, and have forsaken the wonder of waiting, replacing anticipation with headlong rush of activity adding stress to a season that sends bank accounts and relationships spiraling into disaster. How tragic that parents are judged not by the love, care and concern that they have for their children but by the size of the parcel they are able to provide. I speak to mothers who sacrifice bedtime stories and cuddles for part-time jobs simply in order to buy that latest toy for a child whose head has been filled desire for a toy that has been advertised solidly from September onwards. I speak to families stressed out by not being able to buy the approval of relatives and friends. I hear it from my own children as living on student loans they struggle to resist the perils of the season!

I want to stand in the centre of our towns and shopping centres with a big placard  that simply reads STOP! I wonder if I did, how many people would take the time to come and see just what I was up to, and why I wanted to break into the frenetic activity I find around me. I want to invite people to take time out from tinsel, and to give themselves a breathing space. In that space I pray that some form or perspective might begin to dawn...

I am aware that I am repeating myself. I have said so much of this before, and at the risk of sounding like a broken record I will continue to say it. We need to STOP! Advent is not about chocolate filled calenders it is a season of repentance and fasting just as Lent is, it is also a season of preparation, one that calls us not to look to the babe in the manger but rather to the risen Christ WHO WILL COME AGAIN. Last Sunday's gospel reading brought with it the challenge not to get caught up in dissipation and drunkenness but challenged us instead to look beyond the cares and desires of this world.

Do I struggle with all of this? Oh yes, I was brought up to believe that Christmas was all about presents and feasting. I feel guilty if I don't enter into the spirit of the season, but through my struggle I want to encounter the Spirit who made the season a cause for celebration, the Spirit who opened the virgins womb and made the incarnation a reality. That same Spirit is the one who brought life to the lifeless body of Jesus and raised the babe of Bethlehem restoring him to heavens glory. It is that Spirit, the Holy Spirit whose fire I want to fill my life in and through the coming celebrations, and because of that I need the season of Advent, not so that I can prepare through purchases filling my life with clutter. Rather I need to be emptied, I need time out from tinsel, for although it is particularly noticeable at Christmas time, glitter and tinsel beckon to us through out the year in one way or another.

So I am taking time out, to seek the one who calls to us; he sees that we are weary and burdened, and he invites us aside. He offers us rest, and if we chose the road to radical recovery, and long, no yearn to live a life free from consumerism's grip and look instead for contentment, he promises to walk with us and work with us.

We can choose to take permanent time out from tinsel, and in doing do we might just find that we really have something to celebrate!

The Risen Christ, by John Young

Twelve days....

I am sitting at my desk and trying to take a step back to think about the last twelve days;I feel as if I have been caught up in a fast moving soap opera script, and the writers have just taken a break to focus their attention elsewhere!

Twelve days ago my home started filling up with family members, they were coming to celebrate my eldest sons' wedding, by the day of the wedding there were 14 0f us at lunch time. Paul and Louise's wedding was a joyful family occasion.... and we moved on

... to a yard sale, because we are moving house, and raising funds to send my youngest daughter Jo on a mission trip to Zambia....

Preaching is normal for a Sunday, but with the busyness of the week it proved a challenge, our minds were preoccupied any way as n Tuesday we dropped Chris and his girlfriend Ness at Downham station...

Chris was to be admitted to the Royal Brompton Hospital for surgery, which was thankfully a great success... it has been a long time coming!

While Chris was in hospital with Ness wonderfully supporting him we prepared for another wedding, this time for a young friend. We helped to set up the reception venue and sorted out various instruments for the band at the ceremony, I was privileged to be invited to preach ...

....Tim and I stayed for the wedding speeches and headed off to London to collect Chris and Ness....

Time for a rest???

No, time to travel down to Essex for a family get together to celebrate my mother-in-laws 70th....

Followed the next day by 2 services, first my final service and sermonin Downham Market, and then a Circuit farewell service where God was praised and we were thanked for our ministry...

... a rest?

Well not quite because to add to the excitement Emma my eldest daughter was left stranded by an ineffective train service. Tim and I are grateful to Ann and Mike her boyfriends' parents for rescuing her!...

And now, I am sitting at my desk trying to take stock, next to me is a pile of prayers and blessings written during yesterdays service by the folk who were there. The prayers are for our whole family, and we are grateful, and not a little overwhelmed...

No wonder I can't think.....

Right, back to the packing in 20 days we will be living in Yorkshire!!!

Through all the changing scenes of life,
In trouble and in joy,
The praises of my God shall still
My heart and tongue employ.