Eternal Echoes

hope and love

It is a bright December morning, the sun is streaming in through my windows and I am trying to prepare myself for Messy Church this afternoon. The trouble is that I don't feel upbeat or capable of  being bright and cheery and Christmassy. I want to turn down the sun, crawl back under my duvet and hide. I am not going to do that, but I am also not going to try to be something I am not, I cannot force myself into a state of celebration so instead I am choosing to cling to hope, a hope that new life truly does begin in the dark. I am going to cling to the hope that even now deep within my soul seeds of life and light are slowly but surely putting down roots and waiting there in the rich darkness for the call of spring.

As I read the Gospel narritives over and over I am struck that even in the blaze of angel song the unfolding revelation of God with us in Christ Jesus was an almost unnoticed affair, words of hope passed down through the ages born were born not in a blaze of light but in vulnerability and poverty. This miracle of God taking on flesh calls to us to allow him to be born and reborn over and over within our flesh, our hearts our souls, and even our minds, that we might know in our vulnerability and pocerty "Christ in us the hope of glory"!

So today I choose hope, hope gentle and strong, a hope that never gives up and always wins through because my hope is not in myself but in the one who loved me first. In this divine revelation I might find the strength to allow that love to flow through me to others, and maybe even to myself...

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compelled by love ( all this for you)

Before I start I will state that while I am a Methodist Minister ( Presbyter) the views in this blog post are my own views and while I hope that they will in some way reflect the views and mission of the Methodist Church, they remain simply my views.

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I am responding to Quentin Lett's Radio 4's Programme "What's the point of...?" broadcast this morning at 9am, and to be broadcast again this evening at 9:30pm. Today he was asking "What's the point of Methodism?"

I am not going to  enter into a long critique of the programme which raised some interesting points about our history and origins, and spoke of both scriptural holiness and social justice in a positive way. I am not even going to touch the possible ensuing conversation about whether we should of shouldn't join with the Church of England, but rather I want to speak of what I felt was missing because it is because of what I felt was missing that I find myself in the Methodist Church today often slipping on my "dog-collar" and wondering " how did that happen...!"

I know the answer to my own often voiced rhetorical question, it happened because of the love and grace of God, it happened because I found in Methodism a way to Christ that I had not found elsewhere, and it is the love and grace that I find rooted in the Arminian theology of Prevenient Grace that has set me free to stand in a place where I can begin to say that I am here because Christs love compells me.

Let me say now that I am a "convert," I do not have a history of Sunday School or a good solid Methodist upbringing or a good solid anything upbringing for that matter, I came to faith by discovering the power of prayer at a difficult time in the life of my then young family. Through prayer I discovered a God who was very real and very present, but my journey into faith was not so easy; I struggled with the sense that I was not acceptable and tried to obey all sorts of rules to make myself acceptable. For some reason I could not accept that God loved me for me.  The more I tried to make myself acceptable the more I invented God as a monster in my own eyes failing to see the true revelation of his love in the person of Jesus. It was only when I began working for the Methodist Church as an outreach worker and was fortunate enough to begin studying at the same time that another theological window, another way of thinking about God, and thinking about how God might think about me opened up.

What if the God that Jesus revealed really identified with the poor, reached out to the oucast, healed the untouchable, and included the unclean, the foreigner and the sinner; anyone who could that could be labled "other" by those trying to create an exclusive community? What if God loved us first and calls forth love from us? What if God is bigger and more inclusive than I could possibly imagine?

As I began to follow and worship this God, not the angry monster God I found that I could begin to love and accept myself, it was the revelation and the still unfolding revelation of this love that drew me into ministry, that drew me beyond my own small confines and boundaries to love " the other", discovering that they are not other at all but that we share a common humanity.

Some of the most powerful words in the Methodist Worship book ( for me) are written in the Baptism Liturgy, those words; "All this for you" are preceded by the declaration of God's revelation in the person of Jesus, including "for you he lived and showed Gods love".  

It is this revelation that set a flame burning within my heart, it is this revelation that stirs my soul, it is here that "God’s Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who  we really are. ( Romans 8:16). Precious, beloved children of God, made in Gods own image. Surely if I am a precious, beloved child of God then so is my neighbour, and more challengingly the one I call "other" for any reason, in fact the other is who I am particularly called to love, for it was to the other that Jesus came! The truth then is that not only can I be drawn beyond my own boundaries, but to declare that there are none, there can be none! As a friend of mine says " there is nothing secular except for sin", and all sin is is that thing that seperates us from God. So with boundaries and barriers gone we can live out our theology, and all are ( now) welcome at the table!

All of this is hugely challenging for the Methodist Church, because as the Radio show revealed Methodism appears to be built on certain standards and values, traditionally calling people to sobriety and a morally upright way of life, to social action and to have a passion for justice, but what it missed is that the source of these lies in the move of God.  John Wesley's own journal contains the telling declaration ;

"I felt my heart strangely warmed. I felt I did trust in Christ, Christ alone, for salvation; and an assurance was given me that He had taken away my sins, even mine, and saved me from the law of sin and death.."

It was this assurance, this experience that compelled him, this experience, this assurance that compelled many of those who were touched by his preaching and the movement that followed Methodism is primarily born of the Spirit, an experienced encounter with God, and while this is not unique perhaps its expression in concern for the poor and a desire for social justice is a mark of that move and a particular gift. Yes we sing our theology, but there is a reason that the Methodist Hymnody is important, music made the message acessible and memorable and is well known to touch the heart and the spirit in ways that words alone cannot. Yes many Methodists are passionate about Social Justice and politics but these all have their roots in the move of the Spirit that Welsey experienced as his heart was strangley warmed.

Our problem? I want to suggest that it is the phenomena known as " convert and lift"- that is to say that as people took on the moral values and aspirations and possibilities of living differently that we lost our roots, Methodism became middle class and lost the Spirit. Oddly I came from a middle class background and the Spirit found me! That said I know many passionate and committed people called Methodist, people who serve, people who love, people who light up a room with the love of God that flows from them, people who are passionate not only for God but through God for their neighbours both local and global.

Will we die out? Not if we dare to follow the way of Christ and dare to give ourselves away, not if we allow the Spirit to inspire and equip and guide us, not if we fan into flame the gift within us and recognise afresh that we are a movement and not an institution. More than anything  we need a fresh fire to fill our hearts and that fire must be of God not of our own striving, and it must be a fire of grace, a desire to include rather than exclude, to accept the other, to include the other, to identify with the outcast, to become as Christ...

I leave you with a story from last night at our Drop in here in Blackpool " The Comfort Zone", one of our community members bounced in full of energy and love carrying a bunch of flowers, her gift to us for no particular reason, and expression of love and joy, she blessed us all. It was another members birthday, touched by his story we bought him a card and a cake, he was really pleased, but when it came to cutting and sharing his cake he refused, he wanted to take it home and to keep it for himself. At the end of the evening we gathered around the table to share in prayer and communion, and neither were excluded, such is the love and grace of God with us, and that should bring us all to our knees! Love is stronger than death....

All this for you!

Maybe what we need is a rebranding exercise, as the programme mentioned we were also once called Enthusiasts! A discipleship movement shaped for mission! Called to life in Christ, living out a calling to love, to justice, to holiness and compassion. Maybe what we need to rediscover is that flame that so set Wesleys' heart ablaze, the Spirit of God calling us to live out our inner experience in Spirit and in truth.

Let us take up the cross 
till we the crown obtain, 
and gladly reckon all things loss 
so we may Jesus gain.

Image: Canvas 1 of Waves of Grace - mine ( a comission for a church in Blackburn)

 

 

our chains are gone. our hearts set free....

Amazing grace,

the sweet sound 

of voices raised 

lifted this broken

vulnerable crowd,

and crept into the injured 

corners of our hearts

and soothed our souls

as a cleansing flood,

this group of truly wretched

wretches knew how to

sing the real raw words

with wonder and awe,

and God was with us,

 

a mystery beyond our comprehension

yet closer than our

breathing,

and God IS with us

for we left the table

filled with heavenly

joy

we had remembered,

and we were re-membered,

amazing love,

amazing grace...

Broken: Image mine

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How do you describe the indescribable, that is what I was trying to do with the poem above, trying to capture of something of the amazing experience of standing in a circle of those who know something of the heights and deths of what grace is.

We gathered together this evening as one, the folk who come to the Comfort Zone for food and friendship, and those of us who cherish the honour of being called friends. The Comfort Zone met as usual to provide food and clothes to those in need,  and as usual we who give receive more than we give, but when we gather at the table all differentiations are gone, we are one in Christ and the singing and prayers revealed that powerfully.

As we shared the bread and wine the desire to serve one another broke through any so called order and with the wine and bread blessed and the appropriate prayers said the sharing began. Once again we sand Amazing grace, our chains were gone, our hearts set free as heaven touched earth afresh, we left one another with hugs and prayer and and assurance that God truly is with us.

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All this...

God comes calling (Sermon blogging Genesis 3: 8-15 & Mark 3: 20-35)

All this...

I have just posted some photos to Facebook, they are photos of our preparations for this evening when we meet together at North Shore Methodist Church in Blackpool. We will be celebrating Pentecost. We will meet to eat, share stories, talk, pray and worship together. Here are those pictures:

We love symbols, candles, water and oil will all be present this evening. The Icon and the rosaries are also important to us, to add to these we have prayer blankets and paper and pens will also be available for those wishing to write prayers or blessings and leave them in the basket. Interestingly we write more prayers for others and blessings are often prayed for friends and family. I say interestingly because when we meet as a community tonight I will be reminded once again how amazingly priviledged I am, many who I will meet with are struggling to make ends meet, many have been victims of government sanctions, some are desperate, and some are homeless. I will hear stories of the 20p Hilton ( read public toilets) and from a couple who are living in a tent, packing it up every morning and walking the streets of Blackpool with it until the pitch it again in the evening. Everything they own is contained in a suitcase.

This evening we will celebrate with cake, we will share bread and wine and prayers will be said, we know God's presence with us, last week we were overwhelmed by the love and power of God at work among us. We were made aware of a love that knows no barriers of gender, race or status, we are all loved, all valued, all important.

How can it be then that these are a good idea?

How can it be possible that a community might value others so little that they treat the other as vermin, a mere nuiscance to be disuaded from shelter?

How can it be possible in the 21st Century in a so called civilised country for us to have a definite "under-class", a forgotten, hidden ( we wish), marginalised group of people? How can this be? It makes me angry, and week by week as I meet with my friends I am driven to my knees in weeping for the plight of so many, and there are many, and for many it is a small thing that has pushed them over the edge into spiralling poverty. 

You can find the story behind the studs here, please read it and let it challenge you, the question it brings to us, "who is my neighbour?" is one that we sorely need to hear, and not I suspect only in this context. Yesterday at Church we welcomed a lovely family and their friends, a father and son were baptised, after the baptism and during a hymn I offered a blessing for any that might choose to receive on, we ran out of hymn as the queue of people coming forward grew, not just the baptism family but the regular congregation too, some of whom will gather with us this evening, all of whom were responding to the love of God.

There are times when I wonder how on earth I became caught up in the wonder of all that God is doing among us at North Shore, people are hungry for God, there are some who have church backgrounds and those who don't, people who have been hurt, confused and even ignored by church and some for whom it is all a new adventure. It is not helpful to categorise folk because " it risks turning people into ecclesiastical 'widgets' or commodities. Categorising or defining people in a way that allows them to be quantified is helpful for particular pieces of analysis but risks depersonalising human beings made in the image of God. It also feels very institutional"1 , and this move of God is not about the institution, not about the survival or otherwise of a particular church in a particular setting but about how people are being wooed by a God who loves them, in this we are simply his co-workers or channels, and I often find that my task is to stand around looking amazed and wonder what on earth will hapen next.

God is with us, this I do know, and as we gather to tell his story, the wonder of creation, incarnation , and spirit power become real in us, as we take and break bread we are nourished by him, as we pour and drink wine we are cleansed, as we bless one another with symbol of water and oil we are healed, and as we light candles our prayers ascend to heaven. We find ourselves enveloped by grace, none is excluded, no humanbeing made in the image of God should be marginalised, there is Good News for the poor, sight for the blind, healing and hope for the outcast, and freedom for the prisoners.

As I baptised baby Oscar and his Dad yesterday I used the wonderful words "All this for you", Jesus shows us clearly with outstretched bleeding hands "all this for all"

1. http://www.freshexpressions.org.uk/views/unchurched : Andrew Roberts 

trust and frailty ( a prayer at the beginning of a new venture)

our frailty lies before our eyes

our vulnerability

internal and external,

we are at the end of ourselves, and

even at the beginning of the road

 we have no strength,

no hope but you...

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our frailty lies before our eyes

and you say "feed my sheep,

come follow me",

but our hands are almost empty...

and you say "only offer

what you have..."

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still our frailty lies before our eyes,

our doubts rise as surely as the tides,

and you say

"leave your boat, come walk

across the water,

release your fears,

 follow me..."

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still our frailty lies before our eyes... but

to whom else could we go?

and so we come,

only help us

with strength to follow ...

 

Grace...

Today I came face to face with grace, it came as a surprise and with the powerful sense of the presence of God. God making space for grace, God opening hearts to grace, and God working to heal and to restore. It was so powerful that I had to go for a walk this evening to begin to make sense of it, to pray and to reflect and to ponder anew the depths of the love God offers.

Today I was challenged to offer forgiveness, and reminded that it is something I too need to receive, I was reminded that it is easy for me to hide from myself, and to hide myself from others. I am rarely confronted with the full truth about myself, and that even a partial revelation would bring me to my knees in proper fear and awe of the love I am offered by the one who knows me inside out and loves me more than I can begin to understand. 

Today I was reminded that forgiveness is costly, costly not only for the one who offers it but also for the one who receives. The one who offers lets go of any desire for recompense or revenge, the one who receives must be open hearted and willing to own their dark-side and allow it to be seen.

This is grace, grace offered to me by the God whose ultimate letting go was letting go of life upon the cross, today I was asked to let go, and found that by the grace of God I could. In the letting go there was a blessing, in the fact that grace was received the love of God was revealed.

I could go on, but don't have the words for the cartwheels my heart is performing right now, enough to say that God is at work in us his purpose to perform...

God makes everything come out right;
    he puts victims back on their feet.
He showed Moses how he went about his work,
    opened up his plans to all Israel.
God is sheer mercy and grace;
    not easily angered, he’s rich in love.
He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold,
    nor hold grudges forever.
He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve,
    nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.
As high as heaven is over the earth,
    so strong is his love to those who fear him.
And as far as sunrise is from sunset,
    he has separated us from our sins.

(From Psalm 103 The Message)

Holy Saturday- Hope ; resurrection and Rev.

I had no idea what to expect from the final episode of Rev in series 3, it could have been nothing, it could have been a cliched triumphal nothing, instead, like resurrection it left us with questions, wonderful profound questions and images of the new beginning of hope. 

I found it to be real, raw and gritty, and full of hope. It is rare that Holy Saturday is dealt with in telling the story of the Passion and Easter, but in confusion and in depression this episode did that brilliantly in my eyes. We witnessed the growth of hope as each of the characters turned to prayer and Adam wrestled with God from under his duvet, his slow reciting of the beatitudes was powerful.

The episode ended with the long awaited baptism of Katie, a sense of a new beginning and a knowledge that this is not the end, Adam 's simple acknowledgemet is not a triumphal shout but a gentle acknowledgement; " I seem to be in a cassock again Lord, it seems that you won't let me go..."

For me perhaps the most powerful image was the image of breaking into the church, turning on its head the notion that the sealed church offered us the image of the sealed tomb, and showing that somehow with the closing of the doors and the sealing off of the building in the centre of the community the source of life has been removed from all, and all had entered the tomb even without knowing it. 

This was not a happy-ending story, it was a this has not ended story, what we thought was the tomb became the womb of re-birth, there are new possibilities here, nothing has changed, yet everything has changed... 

We are left with the sense that there is more to come, we have no idea what that more is, and for me that speaks so well into a life of faith, for so often it is a step by step day by day process, and sometimes like Adam we need a friend to come along and haul us out of bed!  The precious thing has been kept alive, it now needs nurture and care...

Perhaps the most poignant words were spoken by Adam to Katie after her baptism, " that was horrible wasn't it..." 

Yes it was, it was horrible, painful, testing and exhasuting, but life has triumphed, the candle is lit, the waters of baptism have been entered, and life goes on.  If we wanted a simple, happy, triumphant ending to the series we will have been dissapointed. I was not dissapointed, for as I have been reflecting resurrection dawns slowly, and new life begins in the dark...

I find I cannot agree with some of the criticism brought against the series, this from Alison Graham of the Radio Times insists that Adam remains comfortable and nice;

The Rev-lovers of my acquaintance and I feel it lost its way when Adam kissed Ellie in episode three, an episode that was written by Tom Hollander. Oh dear, I wish actors wouldn’t do this; I wish they would act and leave the writing to others. Remember when actor Alan Alda became far too involved behind the cameras in the mighty M*A*S*H and it became a drearily humourless anti-war polemic, stripped of its delicate subversion?

Actors are of course close to the parts they play, but they might want different things from a character – maybe the chance to show off their acting abilities. (Hollander doesn’t need to do this, he’s great, his hapless, tender Adam is the reason why I watch.) But this is an irrelevance to anyone watching. We know Adam and he would never have kissed Ellie. He might have been temp- ted, as he once was at a vicars and tarts party, but he would never have given in. He just wouldn’t.

Still, it happened and the train of events gathered momentum to the point where Adam is ruined, degraded and humiliated, rejected by nearly everyone who once professed to love him. NO! Rev devotees don’t want this; we watch Rev because of its kindness and its imperfect view of an imperfect world. We don’t watch to feel despair and helplessness. It might be trying to be grittily realistic but real life is too realistic for most of us and we welcomed our half-hour escape into a different, gentler world. But that’s all gone now.

I applaud Tom Hollander for not being comfortable and nice, and instead entering into a deeper and darker place, but kindness has not gone, and hope has been restored....

Roll on series 4!

 

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Living the resurrection...

in the shadow of resurrection...

I am still mulling over my response to Easter this year, as I made my way through the gospel accounts of Holy Week, and as I encountered the Easter Story itself I was struck afresh by the power, the gentleness and the subversiveness of it. I got myself into trouble with one or two Church members by not beginning any of my Easter Sunday Services with the traditional shouts of "Alleluia Christ is risen", but rather with the quiet fear-filled story of the women at the tomb. We did come to the shouts of Alleluia, but they were framed by questions, and primarily the questions; "what has happened here?" an "what does this mean for me?"

If I am honest I am becoming more and more convinced that our propensity to demand certainties does not serve us well, and I fear that we sometimes treat Easter Day like a birthday party, lots of preparations, one big blow out and then back "to reality". My problem is that I do not believe that the true message of Easter allows us to go back to reality, for through it reality itself is changed. Nor do I believe that the resurrection message can be encountered through a once a year party, celebrating a one time event. Resurrection is ongoing, it should be unfolding and taking place in our lives day by day, it is surprising, confusing, demanding and at times down right scary.

There are times when we will resist resurrection, times when we will deny it or doubt that we can ever be a part of it, times when the story will leave us confused and disoriented. Perhaps at those times the we need to find our way back to the real power and simplicity of the story. C.S Lewis brings a fresh set of eyes to it through the Narnia stories;

"Susan and Lucy had just witnessed the horrific death of Aslan, and were now said to be “walking aimlessly,” unsure of how to proceed.

At that moment they heard from behind them a loud noise — a great cracking, deafening noise as if a giant had broken a giant’s plate…. The Stone Table was broken into two pieces by a great crack that ran down it from end to end; and there was no Aslan.

“Who’s done it?” cried Susan. “What does it mean? Is it more magic?”

“Yes!” said a great voice from behind their backs. “It is more magic.” They looked round. There, shining in the sunrise, larger than they had seen him before, shaking his mane (for it had apparently grown again) stood Aslan himself.

“Oh, Aslan!” cried both the children, staring up at him, almost as much frightened as they were glad….

“But what does it all mean?” asked Susan when they were somewhat calmer.

“It means,” said Aslan, “that though the Witch knew the Deep Magic, there is a magic deeper still which she did not know. Her knowledge goes back only to the dawn of time. But if she could have looked a little further back, into the stillness and the darkness before Time dawned, she would have read there a different incantation. She would have known that when a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor’s stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backward.”

I wonder how often we try to cover our aimless wandering with a paper thin veneer of proclaimed certainties, how often we long to rush past the "deeper magic" , power and wonder of the resurrection accounts and get back to our daily lives lest they call us into the dramatic changes of our world-view and therefore our lifestyle, and even perhaps more challengingly the way we see ourselves and relate to others.

Resurrection is gentle but insistent if we dare to receive it as a work of the Spirit within us, through it God begins to reveal our true selves to us, peeling away our masks and falsehoods, and showing us that by some miracle we are at once unworthy, yet worthy of his love. Showing us that somehow even our past mistakes, sins and injuries can be transformed. The first disciples did not understand the fullness of what had happened among them. They were not able to produce a wonderfully inspiring three point sermon explaining it, not even Peter at Pentecost had everything buttoned down and sewn up.

What they did know however is that somehow all of this was centered on God's revelation of himself in Christ, and that somehow that revelation itself had been enlarged and changed as life overcame death and evil, pain and that somehow all of this had both personal and at the same time cosmic consequences. Even St Paul's conversion on the Damascus was not a neat, tidy sudden event, just read the account and meditate upon it. Not only was he blinded, but he spent 3 days in prayer and fasting before he was ready for Ananias prayer. Even then he spent time learning and praying, and his letters show his own grappling with the question "what has happened?"  Scripture does not perhaps offer us as many certaities as we assume, and I think that deep within we know this, maybe that is why we don't like to linger too long with it. 

So this year I have been challenged to linger a little longer in the shadow of the resurrection, for I long for the power of it to work a deeper magic within my soul, I need that deeper magic. A "magic" I cannot contain or fully explain, a work of God that asks me to dare to give myself to it, and that I need not fear it.

I will end with two quotes that offer no answers, but rather form an invitation to us all in different ways, an invitation to linger at the tomb of our own being, and to allow that tomb to become a womb of possibility where life itself might enter in;

“That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering, ‘No future bliss can make up for it’ not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory.” C.S.Lewis; The Great Divorce

"New life starts in the dark. Whether it is a seed in the ground, a baby in the womb, or Jesus in the tomb, it starts in the dark.”  Barbara Brown Taylor

 The question is, are we ready for life?

Hosanna...

Hosanna,

Lord have mercy on us,

we cry out in

our need,

Lord turn towards us,

and in your

gentleness receive us,

we cry to you

Hosanna.

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Hosanna,

Lord be gracious to us,

we cry out in

our pain,

Lord reach out to touch us,

and in your

kindness heal us,

we cry to you

Hosanna

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Hosanna,

Lord set light within us,

where all is dark,

and hope is gone

Lord let your life begin,

and in your power renew us,

we cry to you

Hosanna

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Hosanna, Lord,

Hosanna

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I am preparing for Palm Sunday and pondering the events leading up to what we so often wrongly ( in my view) call the triumphal entry. The raising of Lazarus, and the annointing of Jesus both speak of life and death, Jesus is heading towards death through which new life would come, but we cannot underestimate the pain or darkness of it. The cry Hosanna reflects this, often misinterpreted as a cry of praise it is actually a cry for release, relief and healing. If Jesus followers kept quiet as the religious leaders demanded he says the very stones of the city would cry out, all of creation is goraning for release. Perhaps Hosanna properly understood should be our deepest prayer as we head into Holy Week.

Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, this was not a random act and from the scriptures it seems to have been thought out and prepared, he was making a point, the donkey is a beast of burden, and Jesus and his followers would have stood in stark contrast toe the other procession likely to have been entering Jeruaslem that day. Rome was "changing the guard", Pilate would have ridden in on a white charger displaying the might and power of Rome. Jesus power is not of this world, and it is to Jesus that the crowds cried out to for release and healing.

It is sobering to remember that later in the week those same crowds would be crying out "Crucify him".  It is sobering to ponder my own fickleness in the light of this.

 

loneliness

I will never leave you

or forsake you, you say,

so why does my heart bleed and weep,

why do I fee alone,

why does this loneliness seep

into my bones

turning my soul

towards despair,

why do I struggle to

feel you?

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You cannot flee from

my presence, you say,

so where are you,

where are the signs

of your blessing and grace,

where is your healing touch,

why can't I hear your voice,

why don't I know you near?

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Come to me, you say,

where shall I come to?

Be still, you say,

be still and know,

be willing to let go, 

I will meet you,

I am with you, in the silence,

and the pain, 

even in the loneliness,

I AM

here...

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Lord let me know you here