Eternal Echoes

I am no longer my own ( praying through depression)

Today I have been battling a migraine, and while it has mostly passed and my head feels more manageable I have also been batting a major depressive episode that has been creeping up on me over the last week. I began to notice that I was sleeping a lot and struggling with social things, work is mostly OK but I am having to take my time and do things one step at a time. Interestingly when folk have asked how I am and when I have spoken to people today I have been more likely to mention the migraine than the depression; the reason is simple, as much as I talk about what it is like to live with depression it is really not very well understood. Twice last week I was asked whether or not I had managed to pull myself together as if that were a real and physical/mental possibility.

I am much better than I was in November but am very aware that I am not operating at full capacity, I am able to work but sometimes the demands of work mean that I need to take time out to breathe, that breathing may mean walking or drawing and I see both as a form of prayer because they give me space to root myself in God.

So should I berate myself for suffering from depression? Would I berate myself for having a complex break to my leg or heart disease? No I would consider them painful and difficult and would probably receive more understanding and support than I get when I say apologetically , "actually today has been a tough day", but the truth is today has been a tough day and I barely got through yesterday, yes I stood and led a Covenant Service, and I am thankful for those who thanked me for it, and I knew that I was doing the right thing because the prayer we prayed speaks for itself;

'I am no longer my own but yours.
Put me to what you will,
rank me with whom you will;
put me to doing,
put me to suffering;
let me be employed for you,
or laid aside for you,
exalted for you,
or brought low for you;
let me be full,
let me be empty,
let me have all things,
let me have nothing:
I freely and wholeheartedly yield all things
to your pleasure and disposal.
And now, glorious and blessed God,
Father, Son and Holy Spirit,
you are mine and I am yours. So be it.
And the covenant now made on earth, let it be ratified in heaven.'

Download a study guide on the Methodist Covenant Prayer From  www.rootsontheweb.com

The Methodist Covenant Prayer

 

 

 

You see being depressed is not a sign of lack of faith, nor is it a sign of weakness, in fact I would dare to say that to stand firmly in the deep love of God in Christ is more of a strength than a weakness. I can truly say that I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me, but not that Christ strengthens me to do all things. Depression is teaching me to rest in Christ, teaching me to accept my limitations and to say no, teaching me that if I push myself beyond the boundaries of self care and self love, both of which Jesus taught, that I have no strength. Depression is teaching me to draw deep from the ancient wells of contemplation and meditation and to realise that the power of the Gospel is not the power of the world and the triumph of God has more to do with the cross and the slowly, gently, quietly revealed ressurection. The ressurection that loosed the deep spiritual power of regeneration, of rediscovering, or returning to who we truly are in those who dared to see it as it is.

I am no longer my own, and in that truth I rest, as for God I trust that because he loved me first all will be well. So I accept that if I am to love God and to love others then I need to learn to love and care for myself, and through that I am finding a well of wisdom, not in my self love, but because at the end of all love there is God's creative, re-creative, healing presence...

I am no longer my own...

photo mine

Bad days, and finding light in the darkness...

I have had a bad afternoon, nothing is particularly to blame, that is simply how it is, I wish I could say that I came home had lunch and began preparing for Sundays service as I had planned but I didn't  in fact apart from completing 3 mini mandala's to add to my mandala collage I haven't really done anything ( unless you count vacuuming upstairs). I feel like I am in an emotional desert, and yet I know God is close. I am trying to practice not beating myself up, trying to live with the theme of Advent waiting and not pushing for a premature healing or premature moving forward. It is so easy to push yourself, to answer the question "are you better?" with an affirmative and apparently definite yes when knowing deep within that the answer is still no.

But as I ponder my answer, which is a definite no, I wonder if it is ever really yes, for in truth none of us have everything totally together, we are all vulnerable in some way or another and until we learn to accept and hold that then we are not on the road through the desert but either sitting at the side of it and refusing to move, or forgetting that discipleship is a journey at all. The tensions in my journey are highlighted by depression at the moment and I am having to acknowledge my weaknesses, and having to learn how to live with the vulnerabilities that they reveal in me.

I know that I am not supposed to speak of vulnerability, I have been told that, and I know that some folk would rather I hid myself away until I am able to say that I am fine or at least OK, but although I can't say that right now I know that I am on a journey, I know that I am making a way through the desert, and I know that God is at work in me. The Lectionary readings this Sunday are desert scriptures, they speak of hope, hope that is both now and not quite yet, hope that breaks into our lives when we lease expect it.

As Barbara Brown Taylor says;

"New life begins in the dark. Whether it is a seed in the ground, a baby in the womb of Jesus in the tomb it begins in the dark."

and

"I have learned things in the dark that I could never have learned in the light, things that have saved my life over and over again, so that there is really only one logical conclusion. I need darkness as much as I need light.”

I need darkness, that is a strong statement, one that we probably too often shy away from, right now I am learning to walk in the dark, it can be exhausting and disorientating but there is a light that shines in the darkness, one that guides me through as I place one step in front of the other. This light is gentle and patient and kind and invites me into gentleness, patience and kindness with myself and others. When I am feeling unkind with myself I am likely to be unkind to others, so the darkness shows me another way, a way where the only choice is to stop from time to time, to regroup and to place my hand itno the hand of the one who leads me forward. My self criticism, my frustrations, my anger and confusion are boulders in the desert, and the ony way to clear the way is to follow the one who knows the path.

New life begins in the dark, this afternoon was a bad afternoon, and the best way for me to deal with that is to acknowledge it, to deny it is taking a step backwards, to accept it means walking on despite the luminous darkness that is around me...

Even the darkness is not dark to you...  (Psalm 139:12)

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