Eternal Echoes

I am no longer my own ( praying through depression)

Today I have been battling a migraine, and while it has mostly passed and my head feels more manageable I have also been batting a major depressive episode that has been creeping up on me over the last week. I began to notice that I was sleeping a lot and struggling with social things, work is mostly OK but I am having to take my time and do things one step at a time. Interestingly when folk have asked how I am and when I have spoken to people today I have been more likely to mention the migraine than the depression; the reason is simple, as much as I talk about what it is like to live with depression it is really not very well understood. Twice last week I was asked whether or not I had managed to pull myself together as if that were a real and physical/mental possibility.

I am much better than I was in November but am very aware that I am not operating at full capacity, I am able to work but sometimes the demands of work mean that I need to take time out to breathe, that breathing may mean walking or drawing and I see both as a form of prayer because they give me space to root myself in God.

So should I berate myself for suffering from depression? Would I berate myself for having a complex break to my leg or heart disease? No I would consider them painful and difficult and would probably receive more understanding and support than I get when I say apologetically , "actually today has been a tough day", but the truth is today has been a tough day and I barely got through yesterday, yes I stood and led a Covenant Service, and I am thankful for those who thanked me for it, and I knew that I was doing the right thing because the prayer we prayed speaks for itself;

'I am no longer my own but yours.
Put me to what you will,
rank me with whom you will;
put me to doing,
put me to suffering;
let me be employed for you,
or laid aside for you,
exalted for you,
or brought low for you;
let me be full,
let me be empty,
let me have all things,
let me have nothing:
I freely and wholeheartedly yield all things
to your pleasure and disposal.
And now, glorious and blessed God,
Father, Son and Holy Spirit,
you are mine and I am yours. So be it.
And the covenant now made on earth, let it be ratified in heaven.'

Download a study guide on the Methodist Covenant Prayer From  www.rootsontheweb.com

The Methodist Covenant Prayer

 

 

 

You see being depressed is not a sign of lack of faith, nor is it a sign of weakness, in fact I would dare to say that to stand firmly in the deep love of God in Christ is more of a strength than a weakness. I can truly say that I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me, but not that Christ strengthens me to do all things. Depression is teaching me to rest in Christ, teaching me to accept my limitations and to say no, teaching me that if I push myself beyond the boundaries of self care and self love, both of which Jesus taught, that I have no strength. Depression is teaching me to draw deep from the ancient wells of contemplation and meditation and to realise that the power of the Gospel is not the power of the world and the triumph of God has more to do with the cross and the slowly, gently, quietly revealed ressurection. The ressurection that loosed the deep spiritual power of regeneration, of rediscovering, or returning to who we truly are in those who dared to see it as it is.

I am no longer my own, and in that truth I rest, as for God I trust that because he loved me first all will be well. So I accept that if I am to love God and to love others then I need to learn to love and care for myself, and through that I am finding a well of wisdom, not in my self love, but because at the end of all love there is God's creative, re-creative, healing presence...

I am no longer my own...

photo mine

hope and love

It is a bright December morning, the sun is streaming in through my windows and I am trying to prepare myself for Messy Church this afternoon. The trouble is that I don't feel upbeat or capable of  being bright and cheery and Christmassy. I want to turn down the sun, crawl back under my duvet and hide. I am not going to do that, but I am also not going to try to be something I am not, I cannot force myself into a state of celebration so instead I am choosing to cling to hope, a hope that new life truly does begin in the dark. I am going to cling to the hope that even now deep within my soul seeds of life and light are slowly but surely putting down roots and waiting there in the rich darkness for the call of spring.

As I read the Gospel narritives over and over I am struck that even in the blaze of angel song the unfolding revelation of God with us in Christ Jesus was an almost unnoticed affair, words of hope passed down through the ages born were born not in a blaze of light but in vulnerability and poverty. This miracle of God taking on flesh calls to us to allow him to be born and reborn over and over within our flesh, our hearts our souls, and even our minds, that we might know in our vulnerability and pocerty "Christ in us the hope of glory"!

So today I choose hope, hope gentle and strong, a hope that never gives up and always wins through because my hope is not in myself but in the one who loved me first. In this divine revelation I might find the strength to allow that love to flow through me to others, and maybe even to myself...

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Being gentle with myself...

This morning I led and preached at an Advent Communion Service at North Shore, it felt right to be doing it. Unsusally for me I used the Worship Book and leant on the Liturgy to carry me through and found it both helpful and powerful. but I am having to take note that it left me exhausted. I was planning on going for a walk this afternoon but must admit that I fell asleep and didn't have the enegry for the walking so when I woke up and after a cup of tea did some Qi-gong style stretches instead. 

So why am I writing about this? Well partly for myself I must admit, and maybe for those who have spoken to me following my blogs on depression because they have struck a chord with them. Yesterday was a very hard day, I have identified why and am not about to beat myself up about not doing all of the things that I ( and yes finally I see that it is probably more me than others) feel that I should be doing. It would be very easy for me to be angry with myself for not going out walking this afternnon but I am not going to be, I can walk tomorrow, and I don't have to be completely better, I don't have to be on top form, and I can accept the care, love and gifts of others.

Yesterday Iwas tempted to beat myself up for not being at  Church to help with the decorating, but I truly didn't have the energy for it and that is OK at the moment. I know that in order to care for others that right now I have to learn to care for myself gently, so I am trying to do things like eating properly, getting exercise and sleep and not pushing myself too much. The Church looked lovely this morning and I am grateful for all of those who gave their time and gifts in the decorating, I am grateful for a community that works together, yes we have our differences and quirks, disagreements and irritations but on the whole we are working together, and need to work together. 

So I continue to take things day by day and step by step, knowing that God is with me, and not allowing one day to inform how I might be the next day, if I had done that this morning I would not have got out of bed. Walking through Advent with depresion as my guide is giving me a fresh perspective on the depths of love revealed in the one who would leave the glories of heaven to be born into his creation. I am finding a quieter less glitter paved way towards the Christmas Celebrations, taking a fresh joy in the Scriptures and symbols such as a single candle while not forcing a daily observance I am finding the God who has found me, and trusting in the Spirit to be the strength in my weaknesses.

Today has been a good day in many ways, tomorrow may not be, for now I am content to take things one step at a time.

Photo taken on retreat in Durham last month

Bad days, and finding light in the darkness...

I have had a bad afternoon, nothing is particularly to blame, that is simply how it is, I wish I could say that I came home had lunch and began preparing for Sundays service as I had planned but I didn't  in fact apart from completing 3 mini mandala's to add to my mandala collage I haven't really done anything ( unless you count vacuuming upstairs). I feel like I am in an emotional desert, and yet I know God is close. I am trying to practice not beating myself up, trying to live with the theme of Advent waiting and not pushing for a premature healing or premature moving forward. It is so easy to push yourself, to answer the question "are you better?" with an affirmative and apparently definite yes when knowing deep within that the answer is still no.

But as I ponder my answer, which is a definite no, I wonder if it is ever really yes, for in truth none of us have everything totally together, we are all vulnerable in some way or another and until we learn to accept and hold that then we are not on the road through the desert but either sitting at the side of it and refusing to move, or forgetting that discipleship is a journey at all. The tensions in my journey are highlighted by depression at the moment and I am having to acknowledge my weaknesses, and having to learn how to live with the vulnerabilities that they reveal in me.

I know that I am not supposed to speak of vulnerability, I have been told that, and I know that some folk would rather I hid myself away until I am able to say that I am fine or at least OK, but although I can't say that right now I know that I am on a journey, I know that I am making a way through the desert, and I know that God is at work in me. The Lectionary readings this Sunday are desert scriptures, they speak of hope, hope that is both now and not quite yet, hope that breaks into our lives when we lease expect it.

As Barbara Brown Taylor says;

"New life begins in the dark. Whether it is a seed in the ground, a baby in the womb of Jesus in the tomb it begins in the dark."

and

"I have learned things in the dark that I could never have learned in the light, things that have saved my life over and over again, so that there is really only one logical conclusion. I need darkness as much as I need light.”

I need darkness, that is a strong statement, one that we probably too often shy away from, right now I am learning to walk in the dark, it can be exhausting and disorientating but there is a light that shines in the darkness, one that guides me through as I place one step in front of the other. This light is gentle and patient and kind and invites me into gentleness, patience and kindness with myself and others. When I am feeling unkind with myself I am likely to be unkind to others, so the darkness shows me another way, a way where the only choice is to stop from time to time, to regroup and to place my hand itno the hand of the one who leads me forward. My self criticism, my frustrations, my anger and confusion are boulders in the desert, and the ony way to clear the way is to follow the one who knows the path.

New life begins in the dark, this afternoon was a bad afternoon, and the best way for me to deal with that is to acknowledge it, to deny it is taking a step backwards, to accept it means walking on despite the luminous darkness that is around me...

Even the darkness is not dark to you...  (Psalm 139:12)

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Advent musings

Celtic Advent- 40 days of preparation

The Dark Night of the Soul

On living water

On being laid aside....

One day at a time...

I want to say a little more about my current experience of living with depression, a few days ago I blogged on the subject and it seemed to strike a chord with people, so I wonder if this will also. I know that depression can make me selfish, this is something I hate about it, my thinking can become so negative that I can burrow my way down a hole almost without realising it, I can also become obsessive about things. I wish this didn't happen because I know it not only affects me but also those around me, if this is you then I am sorry.

I also know that there are things I can do to help myself, things like exercising, eating well and trying to get enough sleep. I have to keep recommitting myself to these simple things, and that can take up a fair amount of energy. Other things that help are prayer and meditation, but perhaps most of all being gentle with myself and strangely or maybe not strangely that can be the hardest thing of all.

Here's the thing, it is no good me deciding on going to bed at night that tomorrow will be a good day and putting pressure on myself and the day for it to be so, it is much easier and more realistic to take one day and one step at a time. This means not over committing myself, and yet I need some commitments, so as I feel my way back into work my major commitments are preaching and leading worship, other things and meetings are taking a back seat, if I find I have the energy to do them then that is a bonus. If this makes me seem selfish again, I apologise, but the truth is it is where I am right now, so if you ask me to something and I say no please don't be offended, and believe me I probably want to say yes and there will be a struggle going on inside me. One of my biggest struggles is with the "ought too's", I ought to be able to do this that or the other, what kind of person/ minister am I if I don't? The simple answer is that I am a person/ minister who is suffering from depression.

That brings me to my next thought, I have encountered folk over the last few days who say things such as " well if you are ill you shouldn't be back at work", but the thing is sitting at home on my own does me no good, I need to be doing something, need to be joining in with the world, I may not be firing on all cylinders but I am firing and bit by bit through prayer, through meditation, through medication, therapy and time that fire will grow stronger within me. People recovering from physical illnesses and traumas are encouraged to return to work and while they may not be fully fit grow stronger day by day, that is how it is with me, I may look fine on the surface, but I am still recovering so please be gentle with me, but please also accept what I can and will offer too!

Is depression a weakness? Well yes it is, it is a disease, and a down right pain, and in my better moments it drives me deeper into God to find a holy strength from the one who will not let me go, in my worse moments I cling on by my finger tips until finally letting go I realise that he is holding me and has been all along. In this I view the condition as a gift, to be sure it is a strange gift but it is a gift nonetheless, it means that I cannot trust in my abilities gifts and strengths, I cannot claim the credit for achievements or good days. This is gift because it lifts the pressure from me to perform, I get up, I show up and I throw myself into the arms of mercy.

When I do show up please show me you care, please show me you are pleased to see me, but don't smother me I probably can't handle that. Finally, if you have taken the time to read this thank you, more than anything just knowing that someone is willing to walk a part of the road with you is hugely encouraging, and while I may not find the words to say so at the time please believe that I appreciate it, and one day, if you need someone I hope I am strong enough to accompany you. In all things one day at a time, trusting that all will be well.

Walk on the beach; image mine

Are you better?

I have just returned to work after being signed off with stress related depression, I am taking things slowly and am asking not to be overwhelmed with needs and issues as I take one step at a time. One thing though, please stop asking me if I am better, I am not better, I am taking medication to help to sort out the mixed up chemicals in my brain, the broken pathways and muddled responses that were and are the result of stress. This will be an ongoing issue for me, and no I am not better, and I am not functioning at my best but I am getting out of bed in the morning.

I am getting out of bed and praying, I am holding onto the God who walks with me through this shadowed valley, who waits patiently for me and reminds me again and again that I am loved. I am reminded that I do not have to be on top form, firing on all cylinders, bright and shiny and full of energy to be loved. I don't have to pretend to be strong to be accepted and welcomed, in fact I am learning in a new way that in my weakness s/he is my strength. 

So no I am not better, thank you for asking, and while I know that you want me to say yes I would be lying if I did say that. Just one thing, don't ask me again tomorrow hoping for a different answer! You see for me and thousands of people like me who live with depression the answer will be no I am not better, but I do have the strength today to get up and show up. Being asked over and over if you are better adds a pressure to recovery, I know it is well meaning but when you are battling guilt, doubt and despair on a daily basis it sort of makes it worse. I am not better, I am me and while today might be a good day tomorrow might not be.

I am not looking for overbaked sympathy, simply the understanding that I am taking one step at a time...

All will be well

 

Photo mine

flow...

to be at one,

to find myself

held within

the flow

of love,

where sorrow is held,

hope reborn,

and none are excluded,

to know

I am known,

valued,

but not above another,

cherished

as part of the

eternal whole,

to dance the dance

of life,

responding to

the heart

that pulses

to a timeless 

beat...

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All will be well,

all will be well,

all will be well...

Celtic Advent- 40 days of preparation

It is that time of year our T.V. screens fill with Christmas adverts, as carols and tinsel and stacks of goodies fill shopping centres spilling out into the aisles trying to cajole us into an empty fullness, a surface celebration numbed by an apparent plenty. Bah humbug? Well yes probably, I am not in the mood for Christmas celebrations this year, I can't summon up the desire to even think about beginning to prepare when it comes to food and decorations and all that apparent necessary stuff that the season demands. 

I am tired of empty fullness, tired of the way that life seems to be overwhelmed with the trivial, tired of a life of reacting rather than responding because the treadmill we are all on to some extent just keeps turning beneath us. So I am going to stop, to step aside from the craziness for a while, take time to pause and observe a Celtic Advent. I am going to use the 40 days leading up to Christmas to have a spiritual clear out, to ask God to come into the dusty and dank recesses of my soul, the bits I hide even from myself, and clean me up.

I need to be refocused and recharged, I find myself at an unexpected crossroads and need to be reoriented, and I cannot do this for myself, I can only purposely give myself to the one who can, and that means letting go. Letting go of all that holds me back, of my own self protecting tendencies and the negative voices of my own making that surround me all too often. Of course this means repentance, turning again towards God and away from the things that are dragging me down.

Yes I am writing this while suffering from a bad bout of depression, but this time I want to find treasures in the darkness, I want to roll away the stone that is preventing the living waters from flowing freely within me. I want to kindle the flame, and fan it into life. I want to know love and joy and peace of Christ in a new deeper and fuller way...

So this weekend I will begin celebrating Advent, I could say observing but choose rather to celebrate, to look for those treasures that almost certainly lie within and will probably surprise me, I want to rediscover the gift of life that Jesus brings to us in all its fullness...

I will begin with a simple prayer:

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
    and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Psalm 139 vs. 23-24 NLT

treasures of the darkness...

Following my own experiences in dealing with depression today, and in conversation with others I am left wondering why we do not speak more of the God we encounter in the darkness, and in our struggles with life. There seems to be an continued insistence on presenting faith as a kind of miracle balm that produces happiness, an insistence on telling a sugar coated good news story that proclaims that all is joy and peace, that all is victory and positive.

The thing is that that is simply not true. People of faith grapple with doubts and with confidence and with questions and even with despair, and sometimes we are made to feel guilty because of it, we are told that proclaiming the good news means telling stories of light, not of and not of darkness.

I wonder what it is that we are afraid of, are we afraid of the God who promises that even when we plunge to the depths that he is there? (Psalm 103) Are we afraid to ask questions, to demand answers to reach the edge of madness yet not let go? (Job) Are we afraid that we will loose everything, forgetting that in completely letting go we somehow (cliched as it might be) let God...? 

We loose so much when we fail to listen to the experience of Jesus in Gethsemane, when we fail to hear St Paul's voice from the prison cell, the voices of the Desert Fathers and the Mystics. There is much treasure to be found in the darkness, much comfort to be found from the God who meets you in the depths, and the Spirit who broods as a mother  over the waters of chaos, waiting for (re)birth.

I may be suffering from depression but it has not weakened my faith, it has caused me to cling to it even more.

All shall be well and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well ...( Mother Julian of Norwich)

(Image: Treasures of darkness; mine)

On living water

I have been pondering the power of shame and the fear of exposure, powers and fears that often cause us to hide from ourselves and push us either inward to a place of  self-loathing or an outward place of masquerade, and I suspect that the two are often held in tension while we hide from the truth.  But we fail to acknowledge our fears and our shame to our own peril, for I have come to believe that they are a strange gift, and can introduce us to ourselves in a powerful way. Struggling with my current depression and the reasons for that depression have caused me to dare to encouter my shames and my fears, yesterday I was helped in this trough an encounter with the Woman at the well that turned my thoughts upside down!

It began with the text, the woman leaves the village with her water jar, though empty it is heavy with shame, a shame that she wants nobody to witness, hence she leaves the village at mid-day, when others are sheltering from the heat she makes her way to the well.  As my Spiritual Director and i pondered the text she pointed out that as it was mid-day the woman would cast no shadow, and pondered the psychological danger of that, Jung is keen that we engage with shadow work, but acknowledges the difficulties of it;

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"The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge." 

Aion (1951). CW 9, Part II: P.14

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I recognise this struggle within myself, despite the discomfort of the heat of mid-day, like the woman I find that it is easier to avoid my shadow than to deal with it, what she didn't know was that she was about to deal with it, for Christ whose light reveals our shadows was already waiting for her at the well. The story unfolded, he asked her much to her surprise for a drink, and then offered her living water in exchange. Curiosite piqued she acknowledged her desire for this living life giving water and he drew the truth from her. The stagnant shame that she carried within was drawn out by his gentle questioning and his affirming acceptance of who she was. In a sense she had bared her soul before him and he (unlike others) did not condemn her. In a  sense he restored her to herself, allowing her to be herself an accepting her for who she was. I wondered then what it felt like to have such a burden lifted from you soul.

We hear so little about Samaritan theology, but like the Jews they too were longing for the coming of the one who would put things right, they called hi the Taheb or Ta'eb, the restorer, or the star. In the last days the Samaritans believed that he would come and usher in a new day of justice, rebuliding the temple on Mount Gerizim. Her question to Jesus regarding the correct place to worship, this mountain or Jerusalem is a classic who is right and who is wrong question; but he reveals another way, the way of Spirit and of truth where living water is available for all.

As I pondered all of this I was able to begin to tell the truth about myself, in meditation I used Sieger Koder's image of the Woman looking into the well and seeing herself reflected in its depths, with Jesus reflected alongside her looking at her with infinite compassion. How must she have felt to be viewed in such a way, how do I feel, can I recieve such a gaze?

I began this post by talking about fear and shame, and have to report tat once again in the face of love they are washed away. As much as I might like to cling to them for the distorted safety net that they provide they have no place where love is concerned. Exposure is no longer terrifying because it simply reveals our true self, our image of God deeply loved and cherished self, in the face of that the stone of deciet is rolled away and new life can begin.

We enter life through life giving water, to be born and re-born of the Spirit; and I agree with Richard Rhor in his meditation yesterday that Salvation, or being bron anew is an ongoing process, he stated that;

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"Salvation is not a divine transaction that takes place because you are morally perfect, but much more: it is an organic unfolding, a becoming who you already are, an inborn sympathy with and capacity for the very One who created you and everything else too."

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Or to quote Jung again;

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To confront a person with his shadow is to show him his own light. Once one has experienced a few times what it is like to stand judgingly between the opposites, one begins to understand what is meant by the self. Anyone who perceives his shadow and his light simultaneously sees himself from two sides and thus gets in the middle. 

Good and Evil in Analytical Psychology" (1959). In CW 10. Civilization in Transition. P.872

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So what happens when your world is turned upside down by love and you are issued an invitation to enter into life afresh? I want to share with you how Koders image spoke to me when I turned it upside down. I find myself with Christ looking through the waters of rebirth at what it might be to take a childlike leap of faith into newness.

Surely that is what propelled the woman back to her village, the blank disapproval of the disciples had not touched her, it was joy and living water within her that propelled her to run in amongst those who had condemned her to share her news.

Living water sets us free, the Spirit does not accuse or condemn, but gently waits while we reveal our truths, our hurts, our pains, and our percieved failings. The miracle of living water is that cleansed and healed all of these can become catalysts for real and sustained growth.

I am grateful to the woman at the well for shining her light upon me so that I could see my shadow in a new way.I could encounter, accept and even love the parts of myself that I usually hide. There was no shame, only compassion, but compassion was born of truth not a mask, nor a percieved need to conform to or please those around me. I have allowed that to die away and fall like an autumn leaf, and while I recognise that this is and will continue to be an ongoing process I am grateful for the streams of living water that have begun to flow afresh in my soul, and all will be well ( no pun intended).

Image; Deep flow (mine)