Eternal Echoes

On living water

I have been pondering the power of shame and the fear of exposure, powers and fears that often cause us to hide from ourselves and push us either inward to a place of  self-loathing or an outward place of masquerade, and I suspect that the two are often held in tension while we hide from the truth.  But we fail to acknowledge our fears and our shame to our own peril, for I have come to believe that they are a strange gift, and can introduce us to ourselves in a powerful way. Struggling with my current depression and the reasons for that depression have caused me to dare to encouter my shames and my fears, yesterday I was helped in this trough an encounter with the Woman at the well that turned my thoughts upside down!

It began with the text, the woman leaves the village with her water jar, though empty it is heavy with shame, a shame that she wants nobody to witness, hence she leaves the village at mid-day, when others are sheltering from the heat she makes her way to the well.  As my Spiritual Director and i pondered the text she pointed out that as it was mid-day the woman would cast no shadow, and pondered the psychological danger of that, Jung is keen that we engage with shadow work, but acknowledges the difficulties of it;

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"The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge." 

Aion (1951). CW 9, Part II: P.14

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I recognise this struggle within myself, despite the discomfort of the heat of mid-day, like the woman I find that it is easier to avoid my shadow than to deal with it, what she didn't know was that she was about to deal with it, for Christ whose light reveals our shadows was already waiting for her at the well. The story unfolded, he asked her much to her surprise for a drink, and then offered her living water in exchange. Curiosite piqued she acknowledged her desire for this living life giving water and he drew the truth from her. The stagnant shame that she carried within was drawn out by his gentle questioning and his affirming acceptance of who she was. In a sense she had bared her soul before him and he (unlike others) did not condemn her. In a  sense he restored her to herself, allowing her to be herself an accepting her for who she was. I wondered then what it felt like to have such a burden lifted from you soul.

We hear so little about Samaritan theology, but like the Jews they too were longing for the coming of the one who would put things right, they called hi the Taheb or Ta'eb, the restorer, or the star. In the last days the Samaritans believed that he would come and usher in a new day of justice, rebuliding the temple on Mount Gerizim. Her question to Jesus regarding the correct place to worship, this mountain or Jerusalem is a classic who is right and who is wrong question; but he reveals another way, the way of Spirit and of truth where living water is available for all.

As I pondered all of this I was able to begin to tell the truth about myself, in meditation I used Sieger Koder's image of the Woman looking into the well and seeing herself reflected in its depths, with Jesus reflected alongside her looking at her with infinite compassion. How must she have felt to be viewed in such a way, how do I feel, can I recieve such a gaze?

I began this post by talking about fear and shame, and have to report tat once again in the face of love they are washed away. As much as I might like to cling to them for the distorted safety net that they provide they have no place where love is concerned. Exposure is no longer terrifying because it simply reveals our true self, our image of God deeply loved and cherished self, in the face of that the stone of deciet is rolled away and new life can begin.

We enter life through life giving water, to be born and re-born of the Spirit; and I agree with Richard Rhor in his meditation yesterday that Salvation, or being bron anew is an ongoing process, he stated that;

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"Salvation is not a divine transaction that takes place because you are morally perfect, but much more: it is an organic unfolding, a becoming who you already are, an inborn sympathy with and capacity for the very One who created you and everything else too."

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Or to quote Jung again;

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To confront a person with his shadow is to show him his own light. Once one has experienced a few times what it is like to stand judgingly between the opposites, one begins to understand what is meant by the self. Anyone who perceives his shadow and his light simultaneously sees himself from two sides and thus gets in the middle. 

Good and Evil in Analytical Psychology" (1959). In CW 10. Civilization in Transition. P.872

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So what happens when your world is turned upside down by love and you are issued an invitation to enter into life afresh? I want to share with you how Koders image spoke to me when I turned it upside down. I find myself with Christ looking through the waters of rebirth at what it might be to take a childlike leap of faith into newness.

Surely that is what propelled the woman back to her village, the blank disapproval of the disciples had not touched her, it was joy and living water within her that propelled her to run in amongst those who had condemned her to share her news.

Living water sets us free, the Spirit does not accuse or condemn, but gently waits while we reveal our truths, our hurts, our pains, and our percieved failings. The miracle of living water is that cleansed and healed all of these can become catalysts for real and sustained growth.

I am grateful to the woman at the well for shining her light upon me so that I could see my shadow in a new way.I could encounter, accept and even love the parts of myself that I usually hide. There was no shame, only compassion, but compassion was born of truth not a mask, nor a percieved need to conform to or please those around me. I have allowed that to die away and fall like an autumn leaf, and while I recognise that this is and will continue to be an ongoing process I am grateful for the streams of living water that have begun to flow afresh in my soul, and all will be well ( no pun intended).

Image; Deep flow (mine)

 

 

 

 

our chains are gone. our hearts set free....

Amazing grace,

the sweet sound 

of voices raised 

lifted this broken

vulnerable crowd,

and crept into the injured 

corners of our hearts

and soothed our souls

as a cleansing flood,

this group of truly wretched

wretches knew how to

sing the real raw words

with wonder and awe,

and God was with us,

 

a mystery beyond our comprehension

yet closer than our

breathing,

and God IS with us

for we left the table

filled with heavenly

joy

we had remembered,

and we were re-membered,

amazing love,

amazing grace...

Broken: Image mine

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How do you describe the indescribable, that is what I was trying to do with the poem above, trying to capture of something of the amazing experience of standing in a circle of those who know something of the heights and deths of what grace is.

We gathered together this evening as one, the folk who come to the Comfort Zone for food and friendship, and those of us who cherish the honour of being called friends. The Comfort Zone met as usual to provide food and clothes to those in need,  and as usual we who give receive more than we give, but when we gather at the table all differentiations are gone, we are one in Christ and the singing and prayers revealed that powerfully.

As we shared the bread and wine the desire to serve one another broke through any so called order and with the wine and bread blessed and the appropriate prayers said the sharing began. Once again we sand Amazing grace, our chains were gone, our hearts set free as heaven touched earth afresh, we left one another with hugs and prayer and and assurance that God truly is with us.

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All this...

God comes calling (Sermon blogging Genesis 3: 8-15 & Mark 3: 20-35)

transformed ( on loving ourselves)

...here it is

this bitter gall

that cries out for revenge,

and demands justice on

its own terms,

destructive and demanding

it turns me on myself

and has the power to consume

all of the good in me,

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...it screams with hurt,

howls with pain,

but I will NOT be destroyed

by it,

I will call it what it is,

a small quaking thing,

needing my compassion

not my denial or

my fear, so

I will hold it

'til it knows only love,

and we are both transformed.

Image; Waves of Grace ( mine)

This poem is deeply personal, some will know my story and others will not, I am not going to tell it here, but I am going to talk about one of the things I find hardest of all, that thing is accepting and loving myself. Over recent months it has become clear to me that the reason for this is that I do not deal well with negative emotions, I want to smooth things over and put things right, even hide from them rather than seeing them for what they are and allowing God into that space where a work of transformation can begin. 

I am beginning to learn something new, that negative emotions are OK and can be expressed and given over to good, that God works in the dark as well as the light and perhaps often at deeper levels in the dark. I am learning to have patience and compassion with myself and discovering that that compassion sets me free because I am telling the truth about myself.

This may of course seem plainly obvious to many, but I don't think we talk about anger very much in Christian circles, I think we tend to brush things under the carpet and try to ignore them, very often there is an eventual explosion, but again we hide from it because it is unacceptable, and surely we should "just be loving". Some of this discovery has come about from reading two books by Richard Rhor; Dancing Standing Still, and The Enneagram; A Christian Perspective. I hope to write more about both of these soon.

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Castles in the air....

Trying to keep something alive... (Peter, Peaches Geldof and Rev)...

Gentleness

At the beginning of Lent I hoped to blog a poem a day, and started well, responding to Stephen Cherry's Lent Book, "Barefoot Prayers", but over the last week and a half have hardly read or written anything at all. It would be easy to feel down and defeated but thankfully I don't, I have been suffering from a horrible cold and chest infection and have needed to take care of myself, and if that means that I don't have the energy to do the writing I was hoping to do that is OK.  I haven't failed, instead I have allowed myself to rest when I needed to, the same issue arose today when I wanted to help someone in need but knew that if I did that would be a step too far. 

Saying no can be so hard, no to my goals, and no to folk wanting help or time or anything really, but I have had to do so, and in doing so I have found a gentle grace with myself that I often don't allow. It may simply be my personality type but I am often driven and don't like to show vulnerability even when I am aware of it, and it might just be that I am human, I suspect it is a mixture of both.  

So today I not only said no, but I have also accepted and asked for help, I need to come aside this afternoon, to spend some time in quiet and in prayer, to ponder the coming roller coaster ride of Holy Week. As I did so I began to ponder that exhaustion was a part of Jesus experience, he knew the need to withdraw, to come aside and called the disciples to do the same. He knew what it was to feel overwhelmed and even to want to walk away from it all, just meditating on his experience of Gethsemane helps me to know that even when I come to the end of myself that I cannot come to the end of God, and I remember that his strength holds me in my weakness.

So I have resolved not to beat myself up but rather to be gentle with myself, and today I join Stephen Cherry in yesterdays prayer;

God of the Golden Rule,

let us be to others as we need them to be to us.

And let others be to us as we

seek to be to them.

When we fail forgive us,

when they fail

heal us.

When we hurt each other reconcile us.

And all by your most gentle grace.

I am thirsty... ( a reflection on John 4)

I am not sure why they made it a competition, but the meddling of the Scribes and Pharisees were too much for him, he was not in the mood to be pitted against John, as if he didn't want to overshadow him, as if that weren't the point at all. We headed back to Galilee, which of course meant travelling through Samaria.

We moved quickly but even he could not bear the fierceness of the mid-day heat so when we came to Jacobs well we stopped, he looked so weary, and we were all hungry, so we set off into the town leaving him to rest, it seemed his heart was as weary as his feet.

We weren't gone for long, maybe an hour maybe just a little more, but when we returned he had completely changed, his face was shining and alive, all weariness seemed to have left him, he didn't even notice us at first he was so deep in conversation with the woman. We were shocked of course, we knew he often challenged conventions but to be alone with a woman, a Samaritan woman... I guess the shock must have shown on our faces, because she soon turned and ran leaving her water pot behind.

He looked at us calmly, but his face was still alight, and he smiled, I "am still thirsty" he said, and he picked up her abandoned water jar, filled it and after taking a long drink passed it to us. We unpacked the food then and sat on the ground together to eat. He took the bread and broke it, blessed it and shared it with us, and as we ate he told us of his encounter with the woman who we had so easily dismissed. Every meal with him was a holy moment.

He told us of her questions, and of his, how he'd challenged her to bring her husband, and how she had bravely told the truth. He told us of how her questions had drawn from him the image of living water, the Spirit given as a life giving spring to flow through any who asked for it. True worshippers he said were not confined to time or place, true worshippers entered into an intimate and organic relationship with the one who was the source of this life giving stream. 

As he spoke it was as if living water began to flow within each one of us, we were connected to the source, deep flowed to deep, and no barriers of race, gender or creed mattered in that moment. Soon though the intimacy we were sharing was broken open, the woman returned running, and with her came people from the town, now eager to follow one they had previously shunned. He shared with them all then, taking time to teach and bless and heal. Living waters flowed, and as well tell this story they continue to all who might drink from them.

(Picture mine)

at the well ( pondering John 4: 5-42)

at the well

he was thirsty, vulnerable,

alone, he had a need,

and asked for help

at the well...

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at the well she met him,

he was tired,

he longed for a drink,

cool water drawn

from her container

at the well...

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at the well

in need he revealed

her need,

and conversation flowed

deeper and deeper,

at the well

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his thirst was not quenched,

but his spirit was revived

as he offered

living water, and there

she drew it from him

at the well...

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The Well; S Coleman

God is with us (pondering the vulnerability of incarnation)

It has been one of those weeks, incredibly busy and very challenging, a week where I have felt overwhelmed and inadequate, and yet a week where I have been given fresh glimpses of God that have surprised and challenged me. Last night after a long day on a course I returned home to find phone calls regarding a member who needed immediate attention for a very real issue. When I got home again I decided that putting together a powerpoint was the last thing I needed to be doing so I went to bed early and we ran without video projection in the service this morning! It struck me as I thought of how to explain the problem that it is easy to put emphasis on the wrong things, to get our priorities in a muddle and to miss God in doing so because we are so busy trying to prove something.

I was pondering the churches collective desire to appear to be strong and capable as I
prepared to preach this week, I was pondering the text of Luke 21, Jesus speaking about the destruction of the temple and pointing towards the signs to come, of wars, disasters and persecution, it is a fearful picture and it is easy to miss the underlying invitation to trust in God that is woven through the text. His encouragement to us is not to focus the problems but to trust in him, to let go of the whys and wherefores and to listen for the voice of the Spirit. I am learning more and more that God comes to us and speaks to us in surprising ways when we are open to the possibility of his presence.

I have found that to be true this week for God has spoken to me through surprising encounters and in surprising places. My heart was touched as I watched a teacher from the Philippines speaking about the devastation that had hit his country, as he spoke he pleaded for help, and although he was trying to hold himself together his voice broke, in that break I heard the heart of God, the God who was calling me to respond, speaking to my heart "these are my people and I love them." It was as if Jesus stood in front of me and showed me the wounds in his hands, and asked me to take hold of them, to be one with him.

The second awakening was to a deeper appreciation of the depth of vulnerability of what incarnation means, it came through Artrue a lovely Polish man who comes to our Comfort Zone drop in. He comes almost every week and is friendly and often chatty, this week he came in and fell asleep, at the end of the session the volunteers were unable to wake him, and when I arrived at church after another meeting he had been carried into the church where cushions and blankets had been found. The Paramedic who had been called out told us he was simply exhausted and that the hospital would be unlikely to help. My wonderful volunteers looked after him and finally after a bit of a fight and an initial refusal (echoes of Bethlehem) we got him into a shelter for the night.

Artrue came among us in total vulnerability, and as he slept on the floor he opened our eyes to the depth of the plight he and others like him are in, the local council has tightened up the criteria that provides funding for an overnight stay in a shelter. As a church we have prayed for people, and God has brought them among us, and again he comes to us in them and reveals himself and asks us to open our hearts to receive him. God came among us and slept on our floor, and we feel completely inadequate to respond, and yet in the wonderful mystery that is God he calls us to let go of our excuses and questions and to trust him. 

Finally I came across a picture posted onto facebook and it stirred my heart, the picture was of Jesus embracing a prostitute, a young girl caught in a vicious sextrade, as he held her they wept together. I asked God for a word about that picture, and the word that was given was "wanted", God wants and cherishes all of the broken and hurting ones, and his call to us is to not only do the same but to recognise that he receives us in our weaknessess and vulnerabilities, in the bits of ourselves that we would rather hide, and the tears he sheds are for us too, and somehow they become a healing stream if we dare to enter into it and listen to what is on his heart.

The truth is that we are not strong or capable, the truth is that we don't have all of the answers, but when we let the walls down and let God in almost anything is possible!

28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (Matthew 11)

 

 

creativity....

I haven't blogged for ages, well over two weeks and that's a long time for me, this has partly been due to moving house and the chaos and exhaustion it brings, and if I'm honest partly because I've been spiritually drained for a number of reasons. Today though has been a reminder that creativity brings me life, today we got around to beginning to bring order to what will be a creative/prayer space and a spare bedroom when needed. In that room were a collection of boxes containing fabrics, candles, paints, pens, pastels, music books, icons, pictures of various types, art books, paper of all kinds, prayer books, incence burners, and general creative stuff. 

Some of that stuff has been packed away in files and folders and I've haven't looked at it for months, some for even longer. Some of the boxes contained prayer journals reminders of the ebb and flow of my spiritual life...

And while the room currently looks like something has exploded in it, it gives me hope, this evening we have moved shelves around, some are filled and some are not, we want to put a table in there for painting/drawing and a sofa bed and chair. I've found my music stands and guitar stand so they will have a place too. We'll put pictures on the walls find room for a music system too...

And it will probably not be the neatest room in the house, but that's OK...

 

with Jesus in the liminal spaces…..

…through this time

of change

some questions still

remain unanswered,

things lie

unresolved

when I had

planned their

resolution…

 

there are surprises

some good

some hard to swallow….

 

..and yet when I

pause to consider

your call afresh

I note that

you do not point to

the easy path…

 

…nor do you promise

the worldly ease

that I so often seek…

 

..what you give is

deeper, and

more enduring….

 

love that casts out fear,

peace that passes

MY understanding,

and living water

to refresh the dryness

of this soul.

 

I need you

every day,

every hour,

every moment…

 

in you,

and only you,

I place my trust….

 

Picture: Hands Of Creation by Evelyn Patrick

for meditation

"Shepherdess and Flock at Sunset," Jean Francois Millet

Thanks to Lutheranchick for the picture