It is a bright December morning, the sun is streaming in through my windows and I am trying to prepare myself for Messy Church this afternoon. The trouble is that I don't feel upbeat or capable of being bright and cheery and Christmassy. I want to turn down the sun, crawl back under my duvet and hide. I am not going to do that, but I am also not going to try to be something I am not, I cannot force myself into a state of celebration so instead I am choosing to cling to hope, a hope that new life truly does begin in the dark. I am going to cling to the hope that even now deep within my soul seeds of life and light are slowly but surely putting down roots and waiting there in the rich darkness for the call of spring.
As I read the Gospel narritives over and over I am struck that even in the blaze of angel song the unfolding revelation of God with us in Christ Jesus was an almost unnoticed affair, words of hope passed down through the ages born were born not in a blaze of light but in vulnerability and poverty. This miracle of God taking on flesh calls to us to allow him to be born and reborn over and over within our flesh, our hearts our souls, and even our minds, that we might know in our vulnerability and pocerty "Christ in us the hope of glory"!
So today I choose hope, hope gentle and strong, a hope that never gives up and always wins through because my hope is not in myself but in the one who loved me first. In this divine revelation I might find the strength to allow that love to flow through me to others, and maybe even to myself...
This morning I led and preached at an Advent Communion Service at North Shore, it felt right to be doing it. Unsusally for me I used the Worship Book and leant on the Liturgy to carry me through and found it both helpful and powerful. but I am having to take note that it left me exhausted. I was planning on going for a walk this afternoon but must admit that I fell asleep and didn't have the enegry for the walking so when I woke up and after a cup of tea did some Qi-gong style stretches instead.
So why am I writing about this? Well partly for myself I must admit, and maybe for those who have spoken to me following my blogs on depression because they have struck a chord with them. Yesterday was a very hard day, I have identified why and am not about to beat myself up about not doing all of the things that I ( and yes finally I see that it is probably more me than others) feel that I should be doing. It would be very easy for me to be angry with myself for not going out walking this afternnon but I am not going to be, I can walk tomorrow, and I don't have to be completely better, I don't have to be on top form, and I can accept the care, love and gifts of others.
Yesterday Iwas tempted to beat myself up for not being at Church to help with the decorating, but I truly didn't have the energy for it and that is OK at the moment. I know that in order to care for others that right now I have to learn to care for myself gently, so I am trying to do things like eating properly, getting exercise and sleep and not pushing myself too much. The Church looked lovely this morning and I am grateful for all of those who gave their time and gifts in the decorating, I am grateful for a community that works together, yes we have our differences and quirks, disagreements and irritations but on the whole we are working together, and need to work together.
So I continue to take things day by day and step by step, knowing that God is with me, and not allowing one day to inform how I might be the next day, if I had done that this morning I would not have got out of bed. Walking through Advent with depresion as my guide is giving me a fresh perspective on the depths of love revealed in the one who would leave the glories of heaven to be born into his creation. I am finding a quieter less glitter paved way towards the Christmas Celebrations, taking a fresh joy in the Scriptures and symbols such as a single candle while not forcing a daily observance I am finding the God who has found me, and trusting in the Spirit to be the strength in my weaknesses.
Today has been a good day in many ways, tomorrow may not be, for now I am content to take things one step at a time.
I am not the Grinch, I don't wander around muttering Christmas Bah Humbug under my breath, but neither is my house festooned with Christmas decorations, in fact to be perfectly honest I am considering not setting up the Christmas tree this year. Don't get me wrong, I am going to celebrate but the usual Christmas trappings of tinsel and trees and fuss and bother are frankly leaving me cold. I feel the pressure, but the more pressure but the more pressure I feel the more likely I am just to resist it. I want to celebrate this season as a season of highlighted Holy-days, rather than a season of parties and rushing.
I am tired of loosing the wonder of the incarnation underneath the pressure to perform, the pressure to produce something perfect and honestly unachievable for one day, or more likely now for a series of days. One Christmas advert that has been annoying me intensley declares that "this is the season of binge". I want to sceram at it, no it isn't, this is the season when we should be pausing to remember the one who came revealing the depths of the love of God, the season for peace and wonder, not for gluttony and over-spending. I want to celebrate this season as a season of highlighted Holy-days, rather than a season of stress and overindulgence.
Again, don't get me wrong, I enjoy giving gifts but the whole thing has grown out of proportion, when a DVD becomes a stocking filler, and the main present is considered mean unless it comes in at the £100+ mark we live in a world gone mad. Why are we so content to stuff ourselves with things that do not and cannot ultimately satisfy?
Am I ranting? Well yes probably, but you see I hear stories of folk who are going hungry so they can buy this seasons must have toy for their children, of children who even in this day and age in this so called civilised country who aren't eating properly because there is not enough money to go around. I know people who live in cold damp conditions for whom Christmas lights are an impossible luxury, and I want to be able to say that the Christmas story IS GOOD NEWS for them, and I wonder how I can say that if I am preoccupied with tinsel and glitter, and worried about whether or not I can afford all of the required trimmings. I want to celebrate this season as a season of highlighted Holy-days, to be prepared to share and to give.
So I am opting out of the pressure, but not the celebration, I want Christ to be the centre of Christmas, and I want to call out with the voice of the prophet for us to clear the way of the boulders and barriers that hide him from us, and through which we hide ourselves from him. I want to approach the story afresh, to capture the wonder and terror experienced by the Shepherds who saw and yet could not fathom the depth of what they were seeing. I want to be caught up in silent contemplation that takes me to a place beyond words and songs to the very heartbeat of God who came to give all to the world.
The miracle is that I can tune into that heartbeat, be connected to God anywhere and everywhere, and that, that heartbeat will if I allow it slow me and steady me to another pace of life. It will temper my shopping habits, flow into my celebrations and help me find the true meaning of the wonder and joy of the season. This is a season of highlighted Holy-days and I want to savour them to the full.
I have had a bad afternoon, nothing is particularly to blame, that is simply how it is, I wish I could say that I came home had lunch and began preparing for Sundays service as I had planned but I didn't in fact apart from completing 3 mini mandala's to add to my mandala collage I haven't really done anything ( unless you count vacuuming upstairs). I feel like I am in an emotional desert, and yet I know God is close. I am trying to practice not beating myself up, trying to live with the theme of Advent waiting and not pushing for a premature healing or premature moving forward. It is so easy to push yourself, to answer the question "are you better?" with an affirmative and apparently definite yes when knowing deep within that the answer is still no.
But as I ponder my answer, which is a definite no, I wonder if it is ever really yes, for in truth none of us have everything totally together, we are all vulnerable in some way or another and until we learn to accept and hold that then we are not on the road through the desert but either sitting at the side of it and refusing to move, or forgetting that discipleship is a journey at all. The tensions in my journey are highlighted by depression at the moment and I am having to acknowledge my weaknesses, and having to learn how to live with the vulnerabilities that they reveal in me.
I know that I am not supposed to speak of vulnerability, I have been told that, and I know that some folk would rather I hid myself away until I am able to say that I am fine or at least OK, but although I can't say that right now I know that I am on a journey, I know that I am making a way through the desert, and I know that God is at work in me. The Lectionary readings this Sunday are desert scriptures, they speak of hope, hope that is both now and not quite yet, hope that breaks into our lives when we lease expect it.
"New life begins in the dark. Whether it is a seed in the ground, a baby in the womb of Jesus in the tomb it begins in the dark."
and
"I have learned things in the dark that I could never have learned in the light, things that have saved my life over and over again, so that there is really only one logical conclusion. I need darkness as much as I need light.”
I need darkness, that is a strong statement, one that we probably too often shy away from, right now I am learning to walk in the dark, it can be exhausting and disorientating but there is a light that shines in the darkness, one that guides me through as I place one step in front of the other. This light is gentle and patient and kind and invites me into gentleness, patience and kindness with myself and others. When I am feeling unkind with myself I am likely to be unkind to others, so the darkness shows me another way, a way where the only choice is to stop from time to time, to regroup and to place my hand itno the hand of the one who leads me forward. My self criticism, my frustrations, my anger and confusion are boulders in the desert, and the ony way to clear the way is to follow the one who knows the path.
New life begins in the dark, this afternoon was a bad afternoon, and the best way for me to deal with that is to acknowledge it, to deny it is taking a step backwards, to accept it means walking on despite the luminous darkness that is around me...
Even the darkness is not dark to you... (Psalm 139:12)
There is a frost here this morning, when I woke the tempreature outside was around -3 degrees C, with the top expected tempreature of 5 degrees. Now I know that this is nothing record breaking or startling but it reminds me that while I am celebrating the fact that my car is frost free in the garage many of my friends, the people I will meet at the Comfort Zone this morning will have been sleeping rough or in damp flats with no heating. Once again I find myself struggling with the little that we can do, we provide warmth,companionship and love, sleeping bags, thermal blankets , hot tea, coffee and a place to thaw out only to send folk back out again.
It would be so easy to become overwhelmed and give up, until I realise that the little that we do is part of a larger network of provision in the town, other churches and organisations are also providing places of warmth and shelter and together we manage to lay on a hot meal every day of the week, places of warmth and places of shelter a life line for many.
We need to work together more, we all know this, and we need to support one another even though there are differences between us. We al have slightly different rules and slightly different expectations, but the overall desire is to help the many vulnerable folk who come to us. I am sometimes asked by people in our community how I feel about what X or Y are doing, and whether what we do is threatened by a new place opening up. I have to step back a bit from myself sometimes, do we want to run the best drop in in Blackpool or are we content to be part of a network of provision offering our own unique flavour and service into the mix of services available?
We all wish we could do more, we all do what we can, I am thankful for the support we have from people all over the country who provide us with gifts of food and clothing, of things like can openers and blankets, sleeping bags and survival bags.
When we are tempted to either critisise of go into competition with others I am reminded that Jesus calls us each to follow him on our own unique journey, and so as I prepare to go to meet with my friends this morning I will not give up, I will do what I can, and as I go I pray for the folk who come to us, and for our partners in provision who will welcome people later on and throughout the week. We won't give up, and I pray that as we begin to drop barriers and seek to work and talk together that something more beautiful will grow.
Last week MP's voted on a change in the law to ban revenge evictions by private landlords, the proposed change was overturned because it was deemed unnecessary. I wonder how it is then that I have spoken to a terrified woman this evening who is living in appalling conditions, her back yard piled with rubbish, her house damp, her gas cooker leaking so that she now has no gas in her home. Add to this a Landlord who despite collecting £90.00 per week from the council for her has made not only no repairs and refused to clear the rubbish that he had promised to move before she moved in, but has also threatened her with eviction if she reports the gas problem to the gas board.
She has been to the Council, who told her that they thought those properties were empty while at the same time paying her rent allowance directly to the Landlord! She is desperate for help and had no idea where to turn and came to us cold, hungry and very scared. Hopefully we can help her, but hers is not the first story we have heard of people living in terrible conditions and afraid of being made homeless. Last week MP's voted to turn a blind eye to the behaviour of unscrupulous Landlords who prey on the vulnerable. People should not be made to live in terrible conditions because they fear eviction and homelessness, nor should they be condemned to living in these conditions because the fact that they are apparently "housed" pushes them to the bottom of the list for Social Housing. There should be proper recourse for them, but sadly many slip through the net afraid to speak out for fear of reprisals.
Another issue was raised this evening as we were confronted with 14 people reporting as homeless, which is interesting because the Council on their annual count up of people sleeping rough in the area are reporting that there are only 3. How strange, maybe we are being told lies, or could it be that when the Council employees go out to count up homeless people that they don't go into derelict buildings, and don't count the numerous sofa-surfers who might have a bed tonight and not tomorrow? We know of people sleeping in the Public Toilets, of folk sleeping in derelict buildings, of people who hope that their friends will put them up for another night but whose friends fear eviction for sub-letting as they are not allowed to have folk to stay on a long term basis.
How is it that the Government and local Councils can be so blind to what is going on in this country, for I know that the problems and issues we are speaking of are not peculiar to Blackpool? How is it that it is so easy to disregard and de-humanise people? And why is it that the popular press and programmes like Channel 4's Benefits Britain propogate myths and lies by highlighting the few who abuse the system and calling them the majority.
This evening 25 of us gathered around the communion table, prayers were prayed and we shared the bread and wine with one another, there was a deep reverence in those who gathered and received, the moment was holy and it is what the Comfort Zone Community is centered upon, the love of God for all. The love of God for all; tonight I recieved hugs and prayers from several folk who were gald to see me back after I had been of sick, one of the guys said, "welcome back Sally, we missed you here in because we are family." These folk are not scroungers, they are folk who have fallen on hard times and need to get on their feet again, and many do, at the beginning of this year we had 2 client volunteers, people who came to us as clients and now help out, we now have 8, add to that the fact that 3 more have become full volunteers, no longer needing the service but wnating to give where they have received.
We could all fall on hard times, we could all need a hand now and then, an nobody should be simply written off, as we break bread we remember the God who loved us so much that he gave of himself in an extraordinary way, how can we not do the same. We see lives changed, ur lives are being changed, as I received the warm embrace of the community this evening I too received a level of healing, these folk who are so often discounted and forgotten are my friends and they deserve better.
Recent Comments