Eternal Echoes

life...

here is life,

here are light

and loved released

where once

destructive darkness

 ruled

and reigned…

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life,

overcomer,

empower,

  truth-teller,

speaking against the lies...

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life 

planting new truths

in our souls...

you are worthy,

you are precious,

you are honoured

you are held beyond all holding

by the arms

of everlasting love...

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life stands

vulnerable

yet strong,

a shelter in the blackness

of the storm,

open arms,

 an ever present welcome,

a table set,

a seat prepared,

and succour

for the soul…

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here is life,

here are light

and loved released

where once

destructive darkness

 ruled

and reigned…

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here is the invitation,

how will you respond…

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Celtic Advent- 40 days of preparation

It is that time of year our T.V. screens fill with Christmas adverts, as carols and tinsel and stacks of goodies fill shopping centres spilling out into the aisles trying to cajole us into an empty fullness, a surface celebration numbed by an apparent plenty. Bah humbug? Well yes probably, I am not in the mood for Christmas celebrations this year, I can't summon up the desire to even think about beginning to prepare when it comes to food and decorations and all that apparent necessary stuff that the season demands. 

I am tired of empty fullness, tired of the way that life seems to be overwhelmed with the trivial, tired of a life of reacting rather than responding because the treadmill we are all on to some extent just keeps turning beneath us. So I am going to stop, to step aside from the craziness for a while, take time to pause and observe a Celtic Advent. I am going to use the 40 days leading up to Christmas to have a spiritual clear out, to ask God to come into the dusty and dank recesses of my soul, the bits I hide even from myself, and clean me up.

I need to be refocused and recharged, I find myself at an unexpected crossroads and need to be reoriented, and I cannot do this for myself, I can only purposely give myself to the one who can, and that means letting go. Letting go of all that holds me back, of my own self protecting tendencies and the negative voices of my own making that surround me all too often. Of course this means repentance, turning again towards God and away from the things that are dragging me down.

Yes I am writing this while suffering from a bad bout of depression, but this time I want to find treasures in the darkness, I want to roll away the stone that is preventing the living waters from flowing freely within me. I want to kindle the flame, and fan it into life. I want to know love and joy and peace of Christ in a new deeper and fuller way...

So this weekend I will begin celebrating Advent, I could say observing but choose rather to celebrate, to look for those treasures that almost certainly lie within and will probably surprise me, I want to rediscover the gift of life that Jesus brings to us in all its fullness...

I will begin with a simple prayer:

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
    and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

Psalm 139 vs. 23-24 NLT

They are worthy!

They are worthy, these words echo in my mind, words spoken over me when I was received into Full Connexion as a Methodist Minister, like many other I can report that the effect that they have is overwhelming and humbling! They are powerful life giving words, and they echo with a deep truth from the heart of God, but I am actually not writing about me or about my ordination, I am writing about some of my friends of whom I am often asked the dehumanising question; "Are they worthy?"

Are they worthy? Just let that question settle in your heart and mind for a moment, how might you feel if someone were to ask that question about you? Let's make it a little more unpallatable, because really underneath that somewhat self righteous sounding question lies the question "are they worth it?" Are they worth my time, my effort, my compassion, my giving?

Surely to ask such a question of another human being is to dehumanise not only them but also ourselves. We so easily create barriers, the tabloid press delight in this, demonising the poor and the vulnerable, as sanctions and benefit cuts create an underclass who we are encouraged to ignore. So I want to ivnite you to meet some of my friends, friends who knowing that I have been signed off have sent me messages of support, texts sending love and encouragement, asking how they might be of help to me. A card saying get well soon, I miss you, and two angels who came to help yesterday by tidying up my garden and putting in some new fence pannels that have been waiting to be put in for months.

Who are my friends? Well we met at the Comfort Zone at North Shore Methodist Church, our drop in for vulnerable and homeless people in the Blackpool area, each of them has a story to tell, and many of them are overcoming issues like alcoholism and gambling addictions. They are overcomers not only of their own social problems which have back stories of their own, just as my brokenness has its own backstory. They are also overcomers of a system that dares to ask if they are worthy, of judgemental attitudes from society and sadly sometimes from within the church. A small group of my friends took a step into Church membership a couple of weeks ago, of course that has not fixed them in the same way that it has not fixed me, but it offers to all of us the chance to walk together on a path of healing, wholeness, love and holiness!

We should never ask whether another human being is worthy, if we do we need to ask the same question of ourselves. Instead we need to place ourselves in a position to hear their stories and to empathise with them no matter what their condition, and maybe have a bot of a better perspective of our own. Maybe our deepest challenge is to receive within our hearts and souls God's proclomation over us that we are good, made in his image and good, not a flase outward goodness but a deep reality that reflects our createdness and calls us to humility.

Are they worthy, are we worthy? The creator of our beings says yes, so much so that he was willing to give his life for us, so much so that he overcame death for us, so much so that he does not leave us alone, but sends the Spirit to whisper into our spirits, " you are worthy, and you are loved." Let those who have ears hear!

The window in the lounge at North Shore, where The Comfort Zone meets.

treasures of the darkness...

Following my own experiences in dealing with depression today, and in conversation with others I am left wondering why we do not speak more of the God we encounter in the darkness, and in our struggles with life. There seems to be an continued insistence on presenting faith as a kind of miracle balm that produces happiness, an insistence on telling a sugar coated good news story that proclaims that all is joy and peace, that all is victory and positive.

The thing is that that is simply not true. People of faith grapple with doubts and with confidence and with questions and even with despair, and sometimes we are made to feel guilty because of it, we are told that proclaiming the good news means telling stories of light, not of and not of darkness.

I wonder what it is that we are afraid of, are we afraid of the God who promises that even when we plunge to the depths that he is there? (Psalm 103) Are we afraid to ask questions, to demand answers to reach the edge of madness yet not let go? (Job) Are we afraid that we will loose everything, forgetting that in completely letting go we somehow (cliched as it might be) let God...? 

We loose so much when we fail to listen to the experience of Jesus in Gethsemane, when we fail to hear St Paul's voice from the prison cell, the voices of the Desert Fathers and the Mystics. There is much treasure to be found in the darkness, much comfort to be found from the God who meets you in the depths, and the Spirit who broods as a mother  over the waters of chaos, waiting for (re)birth.

I may be suffering from depression but it has not weakened my faith, it has caused me to cling to it even more.

All shall be well and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well ...( Mother Julian of Norwich)

(Image: Treasures of darkness; mine)

There was a time..

This is an old post re-blogged, it has been searched several times today, and it certainly struck a chord with me;

Dear God,

I'm finding it hard to talk to you at the moment, I guess I am worried that you will answer me, and then I'd have to acknowledge your voice! But I am lost without your guidance, and wandering this wilderness I keep finding myself in the same places, facing the same questions...

Sometimes I think that what I'd really like is a map, or a set of definite directions, leaving me with no doubts showing me which way to turn and how fast to go...but you answer my questions with questions, and challenge me to think. You leave lots of grey areas, some folk declare them black and white, and draw definite lines and claim to speak for you; but they are often brittle and hard and somehow I don't recognise you in them at all!

There was a time when I found prayer and worship easy, when I thought I knew your ways, and life seemed simple, if not easy it was at least straightforward. But now I don't even know what to call you half the time, and songs once sung so easily stick in my throat....

And yet, under all the confusion that is me I know you are there, and you have not changed, but you have changed me, and the changes have caused me to question, not you so much as my own assumptions, my narrow views could no longer hold your vastness, and the banks of the narrow channel have burst, and you it seems appear in the most unlikely places!

So I need a new song, and a new way of praying, and I guess the enormity of that is what is keeping me silent...but I need to sing, to speak, to worship... I need your Spirit to fill and mould me, and I can no longer hold back, for being empty is more painful than being overwhelmed, and so I am asking for your help again, your strength not mine, your still small voice to speak through the mess and muddle of my thoughts... your peace, your love and your joy...

I lift up my eyes to the hills—

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD,

the Maker of heaven and earth..

Image; Break through (mine)

On living water

I have been pondering the power of shame and the fear of exposure, powers and fears that often cause us to hide from ourselves and push us either inward to a place of  self-loathing or an outward place of masquerade, and I suspect that the two are often held in tension while we hide from the truth.  But we fail to acknowledge our fears and our shame to our own peril, for I have come to believe that they are a strange gift, and can introduce us to ourselves in a powerful way. Struggling with my current depression and the reasons for that depression have caused me to dare to encouter my shames and my fears, yesterday I was helped in this trough an encounter with the Woman at the well that turned my thoughts upside down!

It began with the text, the woman leaves the village with her water jar, though empty it is heavy with shame, a shame that she wants nobody to witness, hence she leaves the village at mid-day, when others are sheltering from the heat she makes her way to the well.  As my Spiritual Director and i pondered the text she pointed out that as it was mid-day the woman would cast no shadow, and pondered the psychological danger of that, Jung is keen that we engage with shadow work, but acknowledges the difficulties of it;

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"The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge." 

Aion (1951). CW 9, Part II: P.14

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I recognise this struggle within myself, despite the discomfort of the heat of mid-day, like the woman I find that it is easier to avoid my shadow than to deal with it, what she didn't know was that she was about to deal with it, for Christ whose light reveals our shadows was already waiting for her at the well. The story unfolded, he asked her much to her surprise for a drink, and then offered her living water in exchange. Curiosite piqued she acknowledged her desire for this living life giving water and he drew the truth from her. The stagnant shame that she carried within was drawn out by his gentle questioning and his affirming acceptance of who she was. In a sense she had bared her soul before him and he (unlike others) did not condemn her. In a  sense he restored her to herself, allowing her to be herself an accepting her for who she was. I wondered then what it felt like to have such a burden lifted from you soul.

We hear so little about Samaritan theology, but like the Jews they too were longing for the coming of the one who would put things right, they called hi the Taheb or Ta'eb, the restorer, or the star. In the last days the Samaritans believed that he would come and usher in a new day of justice, rebuliding the temple on Mount Gerizim. Her question to Jesus regarding the correct place to worship, this mountain or Jerusalem is a classic who is right and who is wrong question; but he reveals another way, the way of Spirit and of truth where living water is available for all.

As I pondered all of this I was able to begin to tell the truth about myself, in meditation I used Sieger Koder's image of the Woman looking into the well and seeing herself reflected in its depths, with Jesus reflected alongside her looking at her with infinite compassion. How must she have felt to be viewed in such a way, how do I feel, can I recieve such a gaze?

I began this post by talking about fear and shame, and have to report tat once again in the face of love they are washed away. As much as I might like to cling to them for the distorted safety net that they provide they have no place where love is concerned. Exposure is no longer terrifying because it simply reveals our true self, our image of God deeply loved and cherished self, in the face of that the stone of deciet is rolled away and new life can begin.

We enter life through life giving water, to be born and re-born of the Spirit; and I agree with Richard Rhor in his meditation yesterday that Salvation, or being bron anew is an ongoing process, he stated that;

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"Salvation is not a divine transaction that takes place because you are morally perfect, but much more: it is an organic unfolding, a becoming who you already are, an inborn sympathy with and capacity for the very One who created you and everything else too."

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Or to quote Jung again;

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To confront a person with his shadow is to show him his own light. Once one has experienced a few times what it is like to stand judgingly between the opposites, one begins to understand what is meant by the self. Anyone who perceives his shadow and his light simultaneously sees himself from two sides and thus gets in the middle. 

Good and Evil in Analytical Psychology" (1959). In CW 10. Civilization in Transition. P.872

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So what happens when your world is turned upside down by love and you are issued an invitation to enter into life afresh? I want to share with you how Koders image spoke to me when I turned it upside down. I find myself with Christ looking through the waters of rebirth at what it might be to take a childlike leap of faith into newness.

Surely that is what propelled the woman back to her village, the blank disapproval of the disciples had not touched her, it was joy and living water within her that propelled her to run in amongst those who had condemned her to share her news.

Living water sets us free, the Spirit does not accuse or condemn, but gently waits while we reveal our truths, our hurts, our pains, and our percieved failings. The miracle of living water is that cleansed and healed all of these can become catalysts for real and sustained growth.

I am grateful to the woman at the well for shining her light upon me so that I could see my shadow in a new way.I could encounter, accept and even love the parts of myself that I usually hide. There was no shame, only compassion, but compassion was born of truth not a mask, nor a percieved need to conform to or please those around me. I have allowed that to die away and fall like an autumn leaf, and while I recognise that this is and will continue to be an ongoing process I am grateful for the streams of living water that have begun to flow afresh in my soul, and all will be well ( no pun intended).

Image; Deep flow (mine)

 

 

 

 

On being laid aside....

I have blogged about depression before, and I am somewhat frustrated but not entirely surprised to find the Black Dog nipping at my heels again! In fact he isn't nipping at my heels, he has decided to come and sit firmly on my lap, shove his nose into my face and settle down for a nap... Last Thursday when I found myself unable to answer the phone, I knew that the depression which I had been battling against for probably just over a year had decided that enough was enough and I had to stop. So I stopped. I stopped, went to my GP and agreed with his assessment that I needed to be signed off.

Over the last few months I have struggled with feelings of despair, over the last few days with feelings of guilt, surely I should be working, surely people need me.... I have had to pull myself up short and ask myself when I developed a Messiah complex. With that came another realisation, the realisation of the truth that I need to drop my defences and allow God and others to offer me love and care. It is so easy to make yourself into an impenetrable fortress, especially when you have been hurt, it is also easy to lob verbal missiles from within that fortress, and to some extent I have had to admit that I had sectioned a part of myself off and was operating on two levels, by the grace of God I was able to minister, but on a personal level life was taking a toll because instead of allowing the hurt to take its course I had tried to pull myself together, prove I was OK and carry on. In short instead of living fully from my true self, I had been living from my ego, and the ego is very defensive. Christ comes calling us beyond ourselves, calling us to allow the Holy Spirit to pray in and through us, calling us to be open to holy, divine love, to allow the God of Love to re-create us.

As I was pondering that I began to reflect upon the Parble of the Lost Son, as the story unfolds and he has lost all that he tried to build in the "foreign land", when his resources were depleted and his friends were gone, when he found himself hungry and alone we are told that "he came to himself", and it was at that point that he set his sights on home.

I am grateful that I know the end of that parable, that I know that the son was received with joy and celebration, restored to his father and his home, but my he had to grapple with his ego to get there, he had to see himself as he was and to return in humility, Pride would have kept him with the pigs, so he laid pride aside and headed for home. In some senses I feel that, that is what I am doing, I am putting down my pride, laying aside my mask of coping, and turning in humility to the God who loves me with a deeper, wider and higher love than I can possibly ask for or imagine.

I need this time off, I need to rest and reflect, I need to stop trying to fix things and allow myself to feel the hurst and to grieve the losses of the last few years. I am brought back then to the Methodist Covenant prayer, a part of my tradition that is both powerful and challenging, but in it I find a comfort, that wherever I am God IS with me.

I am no longer my own, but yours                                                                                                                                   Put me to what you will,
rank me with whom you will;
put me to doing,
put me to suffering;
let me be employed for you,
or laid aside for you,
exalted for you,
or brought low for you;
let me be full,
let me be empty,
let me have all things,
let me have nothing:
I freely and wholeheartedly yield all things
to your pleasure and disposal.
And now, glorious and blessed God,
Father, Son and Holy Spirit,
you are mine and I am yours. So be it.
And the covenant now made on earth, let it be ratified in heaven.'

 

I am laid aside for now, but I am God's beloved, and as a friend reminded me recently, he delights in me, and all will be well.

 

The effect of sanctions...

Many members of the Comfort Zone Community are affected by Sanctions, week after week we help folk with food, clothing emergency fuel payments and more, what we do is a drop in the ocean. We seek to respond as often as we can, and what we do is appreciated, but sometimes we are reminded of the utter desperation that being sanctioned, being hungry and being cold brings on...

How many of us honestly go to bed hungry, cold and desperate?

How many of us know that the next meal, the next place of warmth, the next welcome will be days away?

I suspect that the answer is not many who are reading this, because you have the luxury of access to the internet! But if you didn't, or if you are reading this from a library or on a friends phone you might, and if you are you will recognise what it feels like to have your hand tied by a system that seems to be out to get you!

Today one of our community is in prison, another is awaiting sentencing; why because one stole £12.00 of food to eat, and the other stole a jacket...

Now I don't know whether the jacket was to be worn or sold on the street, but either way it was about survival; this is the effect of sanctions, people are hungry, people don't know where the money to pay their next energy bill will come from...

This is life in 21st Century Britain...

...and frankly I think it is unjust and inhumane....

...stealing is not right, but perhaps what is being stolen is more than food or clothes, but human dignity!

Image: Journey (mine)