God is with us and all will be well...
Of course nothing stopped or blocked the wonder of the resurrection of Christ, but as I continue to ponder my reaction to it, and my reception of the gift of life this powerful truth releases I wonder why I so often fail to live and walk in the fullness of it. I think I am beginning to understand what I have probably known all along.
To begin I think I need to take you on a journey through my life, I have always been one of those people who have never fitted in, I have longed to fit in, and tried to fit in, but somehow never really managed it. What I saw as a problem or an issue I now see as a grace, but that longing caused problems of its own. I am not going to spell out every detail, but enough to say that I wanted to be part of the crowd and the group, I longed to be acceptable, and to do so I lost myself in becoming what I thought others wanted of me. This was true for my family as well as my peers, and eventually became true of the church.
I turned to the church when I was in myearly to mid-teens, my longing to fit in had led me to a longing to be acceptable to God so I guess that it is not surprising that my search took me to church. I joined a group of Pathfinders, and managed to earn the badge ( 10 weeks in a row) but never did manage to earn the most wonderful prize of the Bible, family life made regular attendance difficult. I longed for one of those special Bibles and could not escape the feeling I had failed.
My family moved, my parents divorced and I felt even more disorientated, I found another church and began to attend, the longing to fit in continued. I always felt on the edge, not quite a part of something I wanted so badly to be a part of. My personal life was crazy, and pretty soon I was two if not three different people, my home self, my church self, and my hidden self, the one I was deeply ashamed of.
Life went on as life does, and I had children and married, but I wa still left with an uneasy feeling of not fitting in, of not being good enough, my lack of self esteem caused me huge problems as I tried to be what I thought others wanted me to be. When my middle son was born with a heart condition I learned to pray, and found God in a powerful way, but while I knew he loved me, I could not receive that love because I did not feel worthy of it. My struggle to be good enough continued, and if I am honest was not helped at all by church.
Church demanded that I was good and middle class, that I live up to certain values, and those middle class values included providing a certain standard of living and taking part in certain activities, all of which stretched a meagre family budget to breaking point, at which point the judgement fell from those I wanted so badly to fit in with, only stupid careless, ungodly people end up in a mess like this. Somewhere deep inside God held onto me, and I knew this wasn't true, but as for fitting in, I felt worse than ever and a deep depression began ( one I learned to cover with a mask lest it also be deemed unacceptable).
By some miracle I grew in faith, and as I did so I began to discover gifts and talents that surprised me, a call to preach and to lead, these eventually led to a call to Ordained Ministry but at first they were small seeds. Small seeds are vulnerable and need nurturing, but like many women who felt called in this way all those years ago I was told in no uncertain terms by some that I must have got it wrong, and I should not be pursuing these gifts at all. God would not be pleased, I heard some terrible things about myself from people who called themselves Christian. Thankfully not all were of the same mindset.
A short time of living in Texas only added to my depression and feelings of confusion and disconnection, I was truly lost, or at least the true me was firmly burried.
What followed was a real struggle, the struggle of following a call, of trying to live up to what I thought others wanted, of a life and as it turns out a marriage that was falling apart and has ended in divorce. Somewhere in the middle of this I was ordained and God continued to hold me, the real me, the me that I am only just beginning to know.
Deep inside my soul the Holy Spirit has been at work, the seed of desire to belong that was planted before I was born began to reveal itself for what it really was, the desire to be at one with my Creator, the desire to live and move and have my being in him the risen Christ.
From where I stand now I know that I have made some huge mistakes in my life, I have let people down, most of all I have let down many who I love dearly. I have struggled with depression and at times this has led me into all manner of messy things, from self medicating with alcohol to overspending as a way to fill the void. None of them worked, they never will. But my joy is that those things are not me, the masks are not me, the twisted controted figure that I tried to make myself is not and never will be me.
The real me has showed through on occasions, the real me is actually beginning to shine, for the real me is being set free from what others think and demand of me, statements like " if you really knew God you would..." are in my past. I wish I had discovered sooner that I am loved and cherished by the lover and author of my soul, I wish I had known my true value long ago. I hope that if you are reading this and if you feel oppressed or depressed by not being enough and not fitting in that you will take a little time to read these words;
See, you have nothing to fear. I, who made you, will take you back.
I have chosen you, named you as My own.
2 When you face stormy seas I will be there with you with endurance and calm;
you will not be engulfed in raging rivers.
If it seems like you’re walking through fire with flames licking at your limbs,
keep going; you won’t be burned.
3 Because I, the Eternal One, am your God.
I am the Holy One of Israel, and I will save you. Isaiah 43: 2-3
Take time to let them sink in, hear Jesus words to you " I will never leave you nor forsake you", and know deep in your heart that nothing can seperate you from the love of God. I know that it is easy for me to say all of that, and also that it can be very difficult to hear and receive, I still struggle, but I am grateful beyond words that the bonds that hold me back fro grasping that truth are being broken, that a quiet confidence in who I am and what I am is slowly emerging. Slowly I am leaving the masks and the contorted images of myself behind and steppng into the light. this journey has been a journey of discovery and letting go letting go of the notion that I can fix myself, and allowing God to work in me more than I can possibly ask or imagine.
Grace continues to surprise me, I still battle with depression, but given space, given time, given a loving embracing community to share and grow with, and much to my surprise to lead I know that God is with me, and all will be well...
God is with us and all will be well... even if it is horrible a times...
