I can't sleep, this is the third day when I haven't needed to be up that I am awake before 6:AM, and unable to get back to sleep. I have tried listening to music and tried warm milk, but neither of these things are helping; and yet I am tired...
So what is going on? I think the answer is simple, I am living on the edge of a bout of depression and I need to do something about it, so I will make an appointment to see my GP as soon as I can.
Why am I writing about this? To be honest I am writing in order to let myself know that I have spotted what is going on, and also because people tell me that I shouldn't do so. It is not a comfortable subject, and should be kept under control and out of sight, especially by someone who is just starting out as a minister, "people will think that you can't cope!"
I'll let you in on a little secret; I can't cope on my own, but through the grace of God and with the help of others I can. This is not about me being strong, it is about me accepting and owning my weaknesses and trusting God to help me, if I need a bit of rest and some medication for a while then so be it. Funny, if I'd broken a leg or suffered an appendicitis no-one would blink at my need for time to recover...
If I stop to think about it then I am hardly surprised that I need some time out;
- we moved house in August to take up the post here in Yorkshire- moving is always stressful.
- we have taken a drop in income as Tim had been unable to find a job immediately ( an often hidden factor in Ministers moving, thankfully he begins a new post in January).
- my mum died unexpectedly at the end of September, and I think the shock is still surfacing.
- add to that some of life's annoyances such as a car finally wearing out on us, and other mad things like exploding washing machines...
- and then the sheer busyness of the Christmas period ( which I thoroughly enjoyed)
It really isn't surprising....
It is tempting to listen to the guilt driven places in my soul, the voices that tell me to pull myself together even when I know that I can't, the voices that tell me that if I can't do that then I should at least keep this under wraps...
For many people hiding depression is a way of life, they feel embarrassed, some say they have nothing to be depressed about; but that isn't how it works. For some of us our minds can only take so much pressure before a chemical imbalance is triggered, and just like a broken leg that imbalance needs care and treatment to bring it under control. It has nothing to do with personal weakness any more than a snapped bone does, in fact I would dare to say that it is a part of who I am. So later this morning I will make that appointment with my GP, and I will start to do some of the other things that help me, such as getting out for a good long walk everyday and listening to music; but perhaps the best thing that I can do is to be honest with myself and with God. I may be facing a tunnel, but there is always light at the end of it, I may be looking into a pit, but every pit has a bottom and there is a way up, and simply knowing that helps. My favourite Taize chat repeats the line:
"Within our darkest night you kindle a fire that never dies away, never dies away..."
Download 05 Within our darkest night
For me it is both a song of hope and a prayer, a sign that I can do all things through God who strengthens me especially as I am honest about my weaknesses and my need of his grace....
