A kind comment on a facebook scrabble game almost reduced me to tears just now, it wasn't a remark about my playing , but a voiced concern from a cyber-space friend. Yes this has been a tough week, but to be honest this has been a tough six years. Chris's heart condition has been a constant presence, but the last six years have involved numerous hospitalisations and eight different operations. He copes really well most of the time and I guess we do too on the whole...
...but at the moment I feel that my nerves are stretched paper thin, I just lost my temper in a small way, but lost it nonetheless with a church member calling up on my day off, she wanted Tim, but it is his day off too!
I also wonder at times if I am cut out for ordained ministry at all, my prayer life is almost non existent at the moment, and the concentration needed for any form of serious Bible reading is sadly lacking, and I am short tempered and perhaps a little self absorbed. Making time for the demands of others, and seeking any kind of vision or inspiration all seem a million miles away to impossible.
I need to break free of this treadmill, but it seems that life's circumstances demand that I go round it again. Chris's heart rate was irregular again today, it settled down after a while, but it does mean that he is not able to do much beyond getting himself downstairs, and reading, even then he finds concentration difficult.
I wonder if I am being selfish or simply human, I need to write an assignment, and to prepare next weeks services ( thankfully I am only leading two), but I have no energy for the task (s)....
God being my helper..... I know this, but wonder if God's absence mocks me as I try to hold on to faiths promises. Easter Saturdays are real in the lives of many people though, as they struggle to find a voice between the now and the not quite yet, they do not highlight lack of faith, and do not come about as some folk have helpfully suggested because of some heinous sin, they are simply there because we live in a fallen world.
And as I write these words I know that calling has nothing to do with strength and ability, God often chose the weak and foolish ones by human standards, and so I will keep on keeping on, pushing through the problems, clinging to the hem of his garment, I will seek healing and release for myself, for Chris and for so many others whose suffering and trial has been long and difficult. Lord I believe, help thou mine unbelief...
Perhaps I need to remember what a comfortable life I lead..........
