Eternal Echoes

Redeemed (psalm 103)

I am not a failure,

but I do fail…

I try to fix things

that should be left,

and forget things

that need attention,

sometimes this is

wilful neglect,

but mostly

it is inattentiveness.

 

I don't want you to know

that I am weak,

that I stumble through life

at times.

I don't want you to know

that coping is

not always easy,

and that at times

my decisions are flawed.

 

I want you to see

the perfect me,

the strong,

capable,

articulate me,

full of confidence,

walking through

life's troubles with ease

and assurance.

 

How odd it is

that confidence comes

when I own my weaknesses,

and know that I am

loved any way!

For He has redeemed

my life from the pit,

and crowned me with love

and compassion.

On insecurity

I struggle with insecurity; from a young age I entered into the bad habit of comparing myself to other people, and surprise, surprise there have always been cleverer, prettier and more successful people for me to compare myself to.

As a woman I am susceptible to pressures from the media who demand that I look a certain way and behave a certain way. As a mother I am prone  self criticism when other mothers seem to do so much for their children and still remain calm and in control. As a professional person I feel that I am always playing catch up, and as a student I am very aware that although my grades are good they could be better.

Insecurity is a disabling thing! It causes us to compare ourselves to others and find ourselves wanting!

In her book Looking for God Nancy Ortberg says:

Comparison is so destructive. It erodes our love for other people, and causes us to shun the gifts that God has given us.

I believe that not only does comparison erode our love for others, it can make them our (percieved) enemies Comparrison also erodes our relationship with God; self loathing and comparison distorts our view of him and he changes in our minds from being the one who loves us completely and perfectly to being a harsh judge who finds fault with us at every turn.

When I feel judged at every turn I want to hide, and retreat within myself, in doing so I cut myself off from the relationships with people and with God. I need to stop looking through the lens of comparison, and instead choose to switch to looking through God's lens, where I will find reflected the wonderful mystery that he calls me fearfully and wonderfully made, where he declares that I am precious and honoured, and asks me to consider the plans he has for me. If I catch even a glimpse of the height and depth of his love my insecurities begin to diminish, and so I need to shift my focus away from the lens of comparison, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made!!!

 

Known ( musing on Hebrews 10)

How can I

step into your presence?

Surely you know me,

surely you are aware

of my sinfulness.

And still you beckon

me on;

you invite me to enter

the holy of holies,

the place where loves'

power is fully revealed,

and I am fully known.

Awe filled, I cross

the threshold

and you fill me

with an indescribable joy.

At last all is well

with my soul.

 

Friday 5 HGTV edition

Over at RevgalsWill Smama says: Greetings all!

As some of you may know I am in the midst of my first home purchase. It is a new-build and so some of the fun was picking out upgrades and major decor items to my taste rather than walking into a previously owned home that needed to be upgraded room by room (pink and teal tiles in the bathroom, anyone?). As much as decorating is not my thing, I did try to embrace the moment because just how many times do you get to have a do-over on kitchen cabinets/floors/counter-tops?

And so, my questions to you this fine Friday involve your home past, present or future...

 

I have had fun with this, but would pint out that I live in a Methodist Manse, I have some say in the decoration/ improvements, but not that much. I will be moving to another Methodist Manse in August, when I am stationed in the Snaith and Selby Circuit, I get to take a look next Thursday...It is both daunting and a bit of an adventure! I am VERY grateful for the fact that we are supplied with a home though!

1) If you could, what room in the place you are currently living would you redo first?

 

 

 

 

My bedroom, it is a long thin room last decorated when Laura Ashely papers and prints were popular- so at least 15 years ago! It needs re-decorating, I'd choose peach and greens mixed somehow... not too sure... but the really big thing that would make me very happy would be to have a decent fitted wardrobe with proper hanging space and shelves... We don't really do walk-in closets in the UK, and although that would be great it would mean building an extension!

 

 

 

 

2) What is the most hideous feature/color/decor item you have ever seen in a home?

 

Ah now that is easy, the fire place in the house I currently live in is hideous, apparently someone paid a lot for it to be designed, and it was considered a feature! Mind you I don't really make the most of it as it currently houses our adopted gerbil's cage... and the gerbil is a whole other story...

 

Oh OK I'll tell it then:

 

Once upon a time my eldest daughter having graduated from University lived with a friend for a few months, they rented a cute little house, and Sarah, Emma's friend brought two cute little gerbils along with her. Two girls, and two little furry pet all sharing a house. Time went on and Emma decided to move up to Newcastle ( 450 miles) to be near her boyfriend and to find work...Sarah moved back to live with her parents who had cats. And so Nibbles and Tibbles came with Emma to stay at our place for a while.... they didn't leave with Emma, they stayed here. Nibbles died last year ( old age) but Tibbles is still going strong....

 

And so we have a hideous fire place as a frame for a gerbil cage...I only hope that neither of these will be the feature in my next living room!

 

In my madder moments I dream of something contemporary like this, but there is no clutter... and I am a hoarder with minimalist dreams!!!

 

3) What feature do you most covet? Do you have it? If not, is it within reach?

 

A hot tub.... oh yes a luxury hot tub! Way out of reach! If it could come with a view like this, all the better!!!

4) Your kitchen - love it or hate it? Why?

 

Neither, it is functional, there is reasonable storage space, a oven and hob, dishwasher etc.... but it is dull... dreaming again.... this would be fun!!!

 

5) Here is $10,000 and you HAVE to spend it on the place you are living now. What do you do?

 

Well now I have redecorated my bedroom, dreamed up a new living room, installed a hot tub and a luxury kitchen I think I'd take the money and install an amazing bathroom.... with a bath like this...again it wouldn't fit in my current house, but hey we are dreaming right :-)

 

 

 

Bonus... as for those tiles, there was a surplus of hideous tile pigment available from the 50's through to the 80's and a competition amongst tile manufacturers to use it up as quickly as possible, they did this by convincing the public that these colours were in fact attractive and desirable. Best of all it worked and there is evidence of this cunning plan in bathrooms all over the world... including mine :-)!!!

 

Thanks Will Smama, I enjoyed a bit of virtual decorating, but as I said at the beginning I am very grateful that I have a warm and comfortable place to live, VERY grateful, and mindful that others are not so fortunate.

Liminality

I have been pondering liminality, walking on the beach at extreme low tide this evening I walked along the edge of the sand and gravel where the mud of The Wash touches the shore, as I walked I pondered how often in life we walk along a threshold... change is always a possibility... dare we walk in lifes real liminal spaces where creativity burgeons and nothing is certain?

 

 

Winter longings…

Dark

winter

has seeped beneath

my skin,

and wrapped its icy fingers

around my heart…

 

I need a sign of spring,

a sign of hope,

of light,

of warm days to come…

 

I need to feel

a hint of warmth

on the breeze,

to catch

a glimpse

sun kissed clouds

pink in the evening sky.

 

 

A hint of

change catches

the gentleness of an unseen promise,

my heartbeat quickens,

and winter

loosens its grip.

 

 

 

Peace in the storm....

I should be pleased, I received my latest MA module results today; I had passed with a good grade. I have also begun a new class, Biblical Hermeneutics with an emphasis on using the Bible in Pastoral Practice. I know that I am privileged to be able to study at this level, to have my tuition payed for by the church, and to have access to the Cambridge Theological Federation Libraries....

...but I am exhausted, I feel hemmed in by deadlines and expectations, in the next six months I have three deadlines looming, an essay on Presbyteral ministry today, due on 10th February, a major Hermeneutical assignment due on 12th May, and my Dissertation proposal due by the middle of June...

I feel a need to get my head out of books, and to reach out to real people. I love words but they seem to be swimming around my head in small circles at the moment, and they are refusing to connect or make any sense...

.. the highlight of my week so far has been a school assembly, I told the story of Jesus calming the storm the children became the the waves and the wind. Although they enjoyed the chaos of being a raging storm, there was an audible sigh of relief when on hearing the words, peace, be still they calmed and became a shimmering lake with a soft breeze blowing over it.

I was struck by the power of the word of peace spoken over these children, and how they responded to it. When Jesus spoke peace over the waters he brought order back to a sea in turmoil, echoing the word first spoken over the chaos that was to become God's gloriously created universe.

We need words of peace, I am aware that for me the words running around my head are driven by stress and pressure. I need God's word of peace in my life, only s/he can bring order to the chaos of pressure and disconnection, I find myself in the midst of a storm, in a sea of words.... Jesus is here with me, the question is do "wake him" demanding that he calm the wind and waves, or do I dare to ride through the storm believing that he will bring me safely through?

Suddenly the waves do not seem so overwhelming, and the wind has become a means of propulsion and not destruction!

Purpose and repentance….

I am half way through the reading for a Hermeneutics Class tomorrow, and should be concentrating on the set texts, but a thought has grabbed me and it is a thought that I do not want to let go just in case it escapes. Either that or my true tendencies towards procrastination are surfacing again!)

 

Excuses aside here is the thought; "Can I live a repentance driven life?" I have spoken to many people who have read and been inspired by Rick Warren's Books, The Purpose Driven Life, and The Purpose Driven Church. … Yes I know this is old stuff, but bear with me… for just the word purpose leaves me shivering in a corner under a pile of guilt and failure, I cannot be Purpose Driven, even though I readily accept that God has a purpose for me.

 

Here is my problem, I am flawed and I fail, I struggle with myself on a daily basis, and on a daily basis I recognise the need within me for ongoing repentance. Repentance is a tricky word, I have just Googled for images of repentance, and have been faced with pages of pictures showing people on their knees, head in hands! I recognise this posture, and I struggle with it, I struggle with the image of God that it portrays.

 

God is our judge, but s/he is also our comforter, guide equipper and empowerer, God wants the best for us, and when I struggle with a decision and choose his/her way I need a God who takes me by the hand and helps me particularly on those first difficult steps along the path. S/he does not require me to fall to my knees in deep sorrow and remorse every time I find myself going the wrong way, and am pulled up short by a stone in the path and realise my mistake. The story of the Prodigal Son gives us a beautiful picture of the God who restores, the son is stopped from launching into his litany of remorse, for the true state of his heart is seen by the father. Instead of servitude he receives a cloak and a party. I must believe that God knows and sees my heart and treats me accordingly, and there are times when s/he throws a party for me, and I have to accept the gift.

 

Don't get me wrong, I believe that there are times when I need to fall to my knees, times when I have gone so far that I am up to my neck in muck and there is no way out, there are times when I need the Holy Spirit to cut into my life in a radical way freeing me from myself. Thankfully this does not occur on a daily basis, and at times my conscience is soft enough to hear the word of conviction and to respond in repentance, for if I choose to live a repentance driven life my heart remains soft, and I am able to receive the prompting of the Holy Spirit as she challenges me regarding my actions. If I try to seize God's purpose for me and attempt to plough through life with that in sight I am likely to end up in a blind alley. I see my life as a walk of ongoing restoration, and redirection.

 

I wonder if God's purpose for me then is a repentance driven life…. come Holy Spirit come…. flow upon my life like streams in the wilderness, and make this desert bloom…

 

The case for euthanasia ?

I have just watched a heart rending and heart breaking film starring Julie Walters which depicted Dr Anne Turner's struggle with a debilitating condition and her subsequent decision to fly to Switzerland to seek support for assisted suicide.

This true story challenged the viewers to engage with the struggle of both the person struggling with illness and with the heartache of family members faced with someone in such anguish and suffering that they wish to end their life.

This programme raised many questions about life and the value of life, and through it I found myself able to empathise with the suffering of Dr Turner and with the heartbreak of her three children.

I do however have many questions about sanctity of life, questions about the value we place upon those who through illness or disability are not "perfect" as viewed through the lens of our often distorted judgment.

Grey areas abound, and perhaps we have to live with them, but we must be brave enough to face questions....

• Is assisted suicide placing ourselves in the place of God, or could it be simply having the courage to look death in the face and know that it is not the end?
• What makes life worth living, and how can we live a full life a full life in an imperfect body?
• Can we truly understand the depth of suffering another person endures enough to judge their decisions?

There are of course many more questions to be asked, and we live in a strange world where medical science has advanced to the place where people who would have formerly died are saved. Tiny premature babies are given life where it would have been impossible, and yet others suffer prolonged deaths because in part they are victims of medical advances which while being unable to offer a cure can do just enough to keep someone alive.

I have no answers, but I am willing to struggle with the questions....

Seeking a question ( framing a thesis)

I have spent the whole day in Cambridge taking part in the first of two workshops aimed at helping us to frame the question and proposal for an MA thesis, and helping us to look at the skills we will need to write. I had feared that the whole experience would be rather dull, and although it had its moments of nit-picky detail it was a really good day.

Since I began the taught modules of this degree I have been muttering about wanting to do some research into how the formal liturgy of a Sunday morning enables and equips us to live a life of faith in the coming week. I believe that we live in an age of uncertainty, and many congregations, especially small rural congregations lack confidence in themselves and in God.

As a Methodist I am challenged to go back to Methodisms roots amongst the working classes and to  the social concerns and needs of the communities that I live and work amongst. In framing the question that will inform my I want to bring together elements of social concern and a search to provide a living liturgical framework that will encourage and inform the faith of the participants and effectively propel us into our communities. In this I believe that I will pick up echoes of Jesus calling the disciples first to be with him and then to be sent out.

I need to work on the question to make it workable, but am excited by the possibilities it offers.