Warning I thought hard before posting this- and decided to do so because I cannot be the only one who has dealt with this stuff...
I am preaching on a passage in Ephesians this week and through it God is challenging me again and again- it is 5:30 in the morning and I have been awake for an hour- I simply cannot get away from this passage, through it God is speaking to me loudly, and I have to listen...
I woke with this verse going through my head
Ephes. 4:26 (MsgB)
Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry.
Now I was not consciously angry- but realise that I have been angry, and over the years I have bottled all that anger up... and it has slowly but surely formed a deep wedge between God and myself...
It all started when my neighbours beautiful little son died about 9 years ago- I just could not understand why that had been allowed- much of my testimony had been about healing and life- and this precious little boy died, and there was nothing I could do or say to make it better. We had experienced loss with Sarah but this seemed somehow so much more unfair ( or was I simply projecting anger and frustration even then???).
Life from that point took a roller coaster ride of moves and financial problems, that ended with loss - loss of work for Tim and loss of home for both of us. Again the big question WHY loomed large.There was a lot of teaching about regarding Gods blessing for the righteous, people liked to helpfully point out that we might be dealing with unconfessed sin and that God was punishing us in some way...NEVER DO THIS TO SOMEONE GOING THROUGH TOUGH TIMES.... pray for them yes, help them if you can, but do not judge, that is not for you to do!
The move to Norfolk provided us with a fresh start, but very soon after that Chris became ill and we started the whole round of operations etc. One year ago full of hope for a good outcome we drove Chris up to the Royal Brompton Hospital in London- the surgery did not go well or as planned (read more here). Today I have to take Chris to hospital in Kings Lynn for an assessment on his leg, he needs surgery and it looks now as if he will never regain the full use of it... he is constantly in pain, especially when he walks. Yesterday evening we had to make a phone call to London to check out his heart rate- his pacemaker had been working overtime as his heart had settled into an unusual rhythm... he looked terrible. And I can do nothing but watch and pray and make the endless round of Drs/ hospital visits with him... and it is hard and I am angry about all this...
And God says OK, be angry- but watch what you do with that anger, if you channel it in the wrong direction and use it for revenge you are doing badly, rather let me have it, I can take it, and once you have let it go I can and will bring both comfort and healing into your life...
I realise now that I have indeed misdirected anger because I had not recognised it for what it was... I had found fault with people who did not deserve it... I have sought comfort in the wrong things and all the time that anger at circumstances has been there silent and deadly preventing me from moving on...
So Lord- here it is my ball of rage at life and what we have been through...here is my anger and frustration at the pain of daily seeing my son in pain and unable to do the things his friends do... here are the tears I should have shed along the way flowing all at once...forgive me for grieving you by not turning to you sooner. Comfort me Lord- bring your healing presence right into the depths of my soul, restore me again...
HERE I AM ONCE AGAIN,
I pour out my heart for I know that You hear
Every cry; You are listening,
No matter what state my heart is in.
You are faithful to answer
With words that are true
And a hope that is real.
As I feel Your touch,
You bring a freedom to all that’s within.
In the safety of this place
I’m longing to…
Pour out my heart, to say that I love You,
Pour out my heart, to say that I need You.
Pour out my heart, to say that I’m thankful,
Pour out my heart, to say that You’re wonderful.
Craig Musseau.
Copyright © 1994 Mercy/Vineyard Publishing/
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