Eternal Echoes

To Gloucester, through the rain

I have tried posting this 4 times now with spaces... please read them in...the prayer is a personalised adaption (with additions and ommissions) of an Iona liturgy. Apologies for the spelling too!!!

It is a long way to Gloucester across country- 31/2 hours of driving in and out of storms.... and I wonder why do I do this? The pay is terrible, I am away from home too often.... but I cannot escape it, for this call burns within me.... I must go.... I must keep going for so many are seeking true spirituality and long to drink from healing streams... and the muddy puddles are plentiful, offering temporary respite for some...and so I go

Lord I am tired...I offer you this prayer...

I come in worship to God

In my need and bringing with me the needs of the world

I come to you who comes to me in Jesus

Knowing by experience what human life is like

I come with my doubts, and mustard seed faith

I come with my hopes and my fears

Icome as I am because it is You who invites me to come

And you have promised never to turn me away

...

I am here God

I have felt your touch in the sunlight

Seen your power in the salt waves

I have wondered at your mystery in the stars

And I marvel that the maker of the universe knows me by name!

I am here God

I am here

...

I am here Jesus

I know that you came to find me

I have listened to your words

And smiled at your stories

I have felt the warmth of your love. And I thank you that

You have called me friends, and lover

I am here Jesus

I am here

...

I am here Holy Spirit

I am grateful for your presence

Grateful for the way you bring me close

Through intimate indwelling

For the way you comfort me and challenge me and keep me right

I am here Holy Spirit

I am here

...

I am here God

In this moment in this place

And I thank you that you are here with me

You know me God

I do not have to pretend with you.

In the silence of your love

I bring you the things that trouble me

That harm me

Thoughts and desires that make me feel ashamed or afraid

And you receive me in a warm embrace, as a child, as a lover,in mystery and union that transcends my experience and leaves me aching to know you more...

Help me not to draw back again

I am here God...I am here

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Hat tip to reverendmommy

Space Invaders...

I arrived home from Ditchingham on Saturday to a teen free zone, a miracle in our house, I had hoped that for a few hours (Em and Tim sailing) it would be a person free zone, so I could put some music on and go to sleep ( too many late nights!)....but no!

Sunday; Tim and Em went sailing; 6:30 am, no I didn't want to go... 2pm roast dinner for 3, I am not good at roast dinner for 3, for 10 or 12 no problem but 3???

Monday- madness set in and I went to the beach- crazy weather made it very stressful , Em went to work- lunch for 2- Em came home, Ralph appeared with his dad and they went off for supper at his place- supper for 2 ( this is really challenging my culinary skills)

And then just as we were starting to relax, Em and Ralph are back- we sit and chat with them for a bit.... Tim retreats to the office just in time.... I heard Chris before I saw him.... surely they weren't due back until tomorrow.... then Jon appeared, then Jo and Dave, and suddenly our "quiet space " has been invaded.

Talk of Greenbelt, bands and beer tents (we've brought them up with good priorities), talk of London, Sci-fi shops and exhibitions, talk of music, scores orchestrations and arrangements (Em and Ralph)...

Talk everywhere.... Em and Ralph withdrew- thought they'd got space for the evening- probably wish they'd stayed at his place...

And me- there are times when I hear God in the chatter and the noise more easily than I hear through silence. There are times when I gain glimpses of divine life in the crush of day to day activities...

Jesus withdrew at times and not at others- he achieved balance - sometimes entering the throng and sometimes withdrawing from it... why am I awake at 5:30 am? I need time and space to be and to think, to pray and to question...the birds outside are welcoming the dawn- and the days rush will soon begin

I have a bust week to prepare for;

Weds- Friday (travel Tuesday afternoon) Gloucester and the SCE Summer School teaching and facilitating an Alt Worship Service,

Saturday teaching again- in Royston- a Journey Into Wholeness Seminar

Sunday leading and preaching in Feltwell

... somehow I have to get my head around all of the stuff I brought home from ERMC, Summer School- I need to focus- but being me my brain has already gone off at a tangent!

... and being a mum I am concerned with washing and cooking and housework, with the new school term and the fact that this is the last year I will ever be concerned about that...the space invaders will soon be gone.

Lord will I find you in the stillness and quiet if I don't need to fight for it???

That is a future concern...

Right now I need you to renew my strength, for I am weary...

Right now I need to rise on eagles wings above this stuff and mess, this clamour and noise, to see from your vantage point the path ahead

Right now I come to you seeking answers and peace; but if  there are no answers then peace will suffice...

For with peace comes strength- the Holy Spirits power realised in me as I lean on and trust in you, Lord help me to trust, help me to seek you through the noise and clamour, help me to stay on the right path... I need you more than air.... more than food... more than water;

Come Holy Spirit come...

Breathe life into my spirit

Nourish me with better food than I can conceive of,

...come, pour life giving waters over my soul

Guide me and strengthen me- for without you I stumble, without your life in mine I fall...

BREATHE ON ME, BREATH OF GOD,

Fill me with life anew;

That I may love what Thou dost love

And do what Thou wouldst do.

Breathe on me, Breath of God,

Until my heart is pure;

Until my will is one with Thine

To do and to endure.

Breathe on me, Breath of God,

Till I am wholly Thine;

Until this earthly part of me

Glows with Thy fire divine.

Breathe on me, Breath of God,

So shall I never die,

But live with Thee the perfect life

Of Thine eternity.

Doing theology...

I do my theology from a position of weakness-

As a woman who chose the path of motherhood over career I find myself on the margins, an unheard voice among the heard voices... and yet I recognise the nurturing and self sacrificing God. I recognise strength and determination in the vulnerability of being called to give. I am strong in giving, not strong in dominating...

I do my theology from the point of one who has given up a child to death, and sat for long long hours by the intensive care bed of another child... and I know what it is to loose a life so entwined with my own that a part of me goes with it... a broken heart cam be strong, but is always vulnerable...

I do my theology as a wife, who chooses not to put herself first, but lives with the tension of giving self whilst maintaining boundaries which say this far no further...

And I recognise that this is not simply a woman's position, for many live on the margins, including increasingly middle class white males....

For in many ways I live in a position of strength, my family are well fed and well educated, I am not concerned abotu tomorrows needs...I am warm and well clothed. My day to day choices affect others...in these things I acknowledge my strength...

God is present in all places, in all people, through time and into eternity

God can be experienced in and through literature, music film, poetry...

God is present in creation, in all its fullness and brokenness

God is,

God is...

We do theology to relate, to understand, to know God...we do theology rather than study theology to make it relevant to life in a dynamic way...

I  am challenged by my own reflections....

For all are marginalised... rich and poor, vulnerable and strong, and there is hope for all

I do my theology in the gaps and the tensions of having ,and not having,

of being and not being

Oh Lamb of God I come... I come...

August storms

Woke up at 6am to go sailing- the wind was moderate when we left home at 6:45... by 8:00am  with boats on the water it was getting up a bit, 20 minutes later we were rescuing one another from the sea...

We call this mad behaviour fun, a hobby....yes we need help!

United in brokenness...

A lasting memory from Summer School, one that I hope I will hold onto was the Communion Service on the last Saturday ( yesterday).

It was conducted according to the URC Tradition, where the bread is offered to each participant who breaks a piece off and then holds the bread and waits until the entire congregation is served before we eat together.

There was a Holy moment where looking around the room I suddenly realised that here we sit, ministers in training,;

each one holding our own brokenness,

each one remembering Christs brokenness,

each one seeking wholeness and transformation,

each one promised that wholeness and transformation in Christ...

and them we ate together, receiving nourishment for the pilgrimage ahead ...

We could not be separate from one another, nor could we hide, it saddens me that a few did not receive, either because of the tradition or because they felt unable to receive from a woman's hands, but we are still united in brokenness, and we will be made whole, one day!

On a lighter note....

"Vicar School"- throws up a whole range of emotions- Holger( lecturer)  suggested it was like the Bishops answer to Big Brother- I suspect he is right there....

Madness set in more than once...

Name that tune for example- 6"grown people" straining to hear tunes through an I-pod earphone...

And then hear no see no and speak no....what?????

There are more photos here.... in our defence we really did work very very hard!!!

Truth?

The words of truth cut

Like a scalpel through soft flesh,

And released a flow of blood like tears

Bringing shock and relief.

Truth hurts,

I am learning to live with it

Slowly…

Is this a self inflicted wound?

Do we carry those?

Healing can take many forms ...I am told…

I turn to God in prayer,

He comes to me

With wounded hands and wounded side,

Asking

“What do you want me to do for you?”

I do not know

I do not know….

Home

8 days of Summer School- ... I am home and I am exhausted. My head is full of stuff that needs time to settle out... Lots to mull over, and some hard decisions to make about the future.But this I know God is with me, and I have no cause for fear...

Next week....

I am heading off to Summer School  with ERMC this afternoon so I am packing my lap-top and heading out for 9 days....

although I am taking my computer I will not be blogging through the week, I guess I could if I really wanted to but feel that it would be good to take a real break and try to hear more of what God is saying than I can hear the clacking of computer keys.

Everyday starts and ends with prayer, and although the lecture/ workshop schedule is pretty intense there is a break every afternoon for a couple of hours- I'm taking my swimming gear and praying for better weather.

I will not have to cook or clean or drive anywhere all week and I am really looking forward to that...and I have to say I will also enjoy a break from a house full of teens and early twenties- but feel a bit guilty about leaving Tim to deal with them all...

There are a number of things I want to get sorted out in my head, life seems to rush along sometimes at an alarming rate and I am unable to keep up with it, so things get out of control... the more I get no space to think the more problems arise... so I am praying for that space and time even in the busyness of lectures and meetings...

I recognise myself as a work in progress as we all are ... but there are some areas of life that I really need and want to concentrate on not just for myself but for everyone around me, I know one week will not be the answer- but it can be a beginning, and a beginning is what I need right now...

God of all time

I believe that my pasts present and future are in your hands

God of all places

I believe that there is nowhere I may go

Where you are not there before me

God of all life

I believe the vasted movements of the cosmos

And the most intimate thoughts of the human heart

Are both of concern to you

God of all experience

I believe that the heights and depths of human aspiration and

   Anguish

Are known alike to you

Help me to find my voice and sing my song

In the time that you have given me

in the places that I find myself

in the life that is mine to live…

Nicola Slee- Praying like a woman