I found myself in a thin place on Friday evening, and that sense of being in a thin place has not left me all weekend... I was walking along the edge of the shore, watching the sunset, talking to God about my sense of failure and inadequacy for the job I am doing, for life in general..Revealing my thoughts on how I felt so much like Paul (Romans 7) doing the things I don't want to do and unable to do the things I should, how that struggle was always just beneath the surface and how much I wanted to simply live right....
As I walked I watched waders feeding and the waves going back and forth... I sensed the prescence of God all around... I went and sat by the boat trailer, leaning on the back of it, watching the sky.... and a window to heaven opened, the sun streamed through in almost tangible rays of light touching the surface of the water... and I knew at that moment that God loves unconditionaly
Some of the Iona Liturgies speak of God mothering us. that is the best way I can describe the experience.... I remember the sense of overwhelming love and protectiveness I felt towards my children when they were tiny... I was being loved in that way..... and to put it crudely it blew me away....
I am still taking it in, it is as if something inside has been released again...
I was challenged today by my own words as I was preaching, that I neeed to learn what it is to remain in Christ again.... there was a time when I sought God day by day.... too often now I neglect the relationship on the altar of being busy.... so too often I miss Gods way or plan for the day, I miss where I should be, what I should hear... I am not being hard on myself here simply stating what I know to be true.... to often I struggle because I do not pray, I am not connected
I have had many frustrations with the church over recent months, and have sought comfort in the wrong places, insted of turning to prayer it is easy to turn to other things... TV, books, food etc; I read through journals and remember times I would turn to prayer first...
But the amazing thing is God understands our struggles, and our weaknesses, understands our frustrations and difficulties, he understands...
One of my greatest difficulties is accepting myself, accepting my struggles and flaws and not covering them up... Too often I see God as a task master demanding perfection, though I would never preach that for I know it is not true, but I behave as if it is, and so I hide...
But there was no hiding to be done on Friday evening for there was no place to hide, I had revealed myself and God revealed love, I want to return to my first love, to know again what it is that set my heart ablaze.... and I wonder how and where I lost it...
So I am challenged by love, love that echoes in the words of this Iona hymn we sang today;
Will you love the ‘you’ you hide
If I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside
And never be the same?
Will you use the faith you’ve found
To reshape the world around,
Through My sight and touch and sound
In you and you in Me?
Lord, Your summons echoes true
When You but call my name.
Let me turn and follow You
And never be the same.
Where Your love and footsteps show;
Thus I’ll move and live and grow
In You and You in me.
