Eternal Echoes

Being myself with integrity ....(thoughts on worship and practice, esp. concerning the Lords Supper/ Eucharist)

A caveat for this post is that the opinions and preferences expressed are my opinions , and do not  represent the opinions and views of the whole of the Methodist Church in Great Britain, some may in fact be quite unique to me!

I have been mulling over this post for the last day or so, and think that perhaps the only way to collect my thoughts together is to go ahead and write it. Last weekend I was privileged to be present as some of my friends were ordained either as Deacons or Priests in the Anglican Church. The first group of ordinations I attended were set in Ely Cathedral and carried out with much pomp and ceremony as fitted the occasion and the place. The robes were splendid, the liturgy was solemn and yet celebratory and the music from the organist and the choir was wonderful. I enjoyed being there, but to borrow a phrase from Dave Perry, who is currently District Chair for Lincoln and Grimsby ( who was speaking on a not entirely disconnected matter) ".....As a Methodist (almost) presbyter, .... I found myself in a foreign land....."

On Sunday I set of early in the morning in order to be able to attend my good friend Mike Bursell's ordination, the bonus was that Iain Bendry another friend from ERMCwas also being ordained. Not quite the grandeur of Ely Cathedral this time, but the more intimate setting of St Andrew's Church Halstead. The ceremony was still very much in evidence however with all of the clergy robing for the occasion, processions in order of precedence and much more besides. Whilst I appreciate the solemnity of such occasionss and even believe that it is right and proper there were some elements again through which  "....As a Methodist (almost) presbyter....I found myself in a foreign land...."

Practices such as reverencing the altar are foreign to me, I smile because Mike refered to it as a table several times in conversation so there is hope for him yet. I do believe that the table is no ordinary table, but becomes for us a sacred table and reminds us of the sacramental nature of our worship even when the service being conducted is a service of the word. To reverence the table for me would be to reverence a symbol, and therefore unnecessary, and potentially unhelpful.

On Sunday afternoon I felt honoured and privileged to assist Mike in his first Mass, and have to admit that there is very little difference in the Eucharistic liturgies that we use at first glance. Rather than going into what could be a very long explanation and exploration now I will wait to see how this conversation develops. What I will do is say what is important to me about the Eucharistic Service.

1. We receive the sacrament in response to the word of God and at his invitation. Although we bring to the table the elements of bread and wine the invitation is given by God and we respond to God. The word read ( and preferably preached upon ) is an important part of the whole liturgy for me. Interesting because as Methodists we do not usually stand to hear the gospel read, and if I were to adopt any of the practices from Sunday that are not currently my own then this would probably be one. This is because I do acknowledge the uniqueness, importance and relevance of the gospels in relation to the incarnation ( God as Christ).
2. The invitation to receive the elements needs to be heard as if it were given by Christ himself. For me this is an intimate meal, a thin place ( yes I am getting all celtic) where heaven and earth meet.
3. We meet to participate in an active remembrance, understanding and embodying through our intention and actions what we have inherited from those who went before us. To quote the Methodist publication Share this Feast:            " (we) re-enact the story and allow its meaning and power to shape our actions in the present world."
4. The meal to which we are invited is a communal meal, this is highlighted in the Methodist liturgy where possible by the act of waiting together "table by table" for each group to be served, and then receiving together a blessing through the presbyter who has officiated.
5. I believe in the transformative power of the reception of the elements, into which the Holy Spirit has poured life and power.
6. The Eucharistic prayer should be a drama, let me explain, we act out and respond to the invitation of God in Christ to actively remember and receive from him. Therefore gestures and elevations etc are important, however I do not see them as a prescribed and set in stone group of enactions, my practicce may differ from one service to another and from one liturgy to another.
7. I like to use creative liturgies ( Iona, Northumbria, and variations on both which I have constructed), but maintain that they must contain elements of confession, and thanksgiving, and that the Eucharistic prayer itself must maintain its integrity ( words of institution and the epiclesis).
8. For mysefl I would prefer the elements to consist of real bread which can be torn and broken, and for all to share from the same loaf, and for real wine served from a chalice.... which just goes to show that I am a mixture, and will remain constrained by tradition, but willing to take it to its limits!

I am very aware that this list could go on and on, and so I leave it now in the hope that it will open a conversation, and will finish with a poem/ prayer that I have posted before.

 

 

Eucharistic thoughts

.

I want to meet you

in chewable chunks of grace,

to savour the flavour

of your gift…

.

I want to spend time

contemplating the wonder

of your givenness,

I want to be

nourished, challenged

and transformed!

.

I want to gulp down

deep draughts

of your love,

to feel it’s fire

filling my heart and soul

warming my bones!

.

I want to be cleansed

and restored

as I meet you

in the brokenness of bread,

and in the cup freely offered.

.

I want to go different,

to be different!

Will you meet me here?

.

Is it right that

I should leave your table

still hungry?

 

 

Love, repentance, and God

A comment left by Pam on my last post got me thinking more deeply about the need to communicate the love of God. Pam said;

 

"I wish that everyone could read this story who says things like 'People need to know they are sinners; everyone thinks God loves them, no one thinks they are a sinner'. I've occasionally met someone who thought they weren't a sinner, but usually people need to hear that God loves them."

 

Like Pam I meet very few people who need to be told that they are sinners, they may not use that exact word, but they carry within them a deep sense of brokenness and unworthiness. Some cover it up with bravado shouting defiantly to the world "I'm alright really, I dare you to tell me I'm not!", while others wear their brokenness openly. Some may mask it with addictions, whilst others plunge into depression.

A conversation only this week highlighted for me the way that we too often get it wrong, we assume that people are rebelling against God. In a culture where it hasn't occurred to a huge percentage of the population that God is either relevant or interested in them that is a ludicrous assumption to make, even Christians need to know that God loves them. Again in response to May's storyI received this;

 

"I wanted to write to you tonight and thank you for your blog... I only read today's entry about May and then another about the Prodigal Son and they both deeply resonated with me.

Although I have spent most of my life in the church, I have recently over the last year been discovering how little I understand about how much God loves me..."

 

That message resonated as deeply with me as May's story had touched its author; I too understand too little about the God who loves me. Too often I have been slow in approaching him and putting voice to much needed prayers because the thought of approaching a God who I know to be, and preach as a God of love has filled me with dread!

Why this dread? First because I do and always will carry within myself a sense of my own brokenness, and second because to often I see a caricature built through my imagination by remembrances of unhelpful conversations. People who have declared that women have no place in ministry and therefore I am a sinner, people who have declared to me that Christopher's heart condition is the result of my own sin. I am very glad that these grace killers do not know the extent of my brokeness and sinfulness, it would keep them busy for a long time with accussations!!! But I can say this, these grace killers have more often whilst  trying to be helpful by turning me towards repentance achieved the opposite and pushed me away.

This morning as I read from the first two chapters of Marks gospel I saw again the God whose love drew me to faith, a God who revealed in Jesus accepted sinners and touched the unclean. Jesus drew grumbling criticism from the Pharisees because he chose to eat with the tax collectors, his response;

 

"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."(Mark 2:17)

 

I am a sinner, I accept that, but it is the sinners that Jesus chose to be amongst, it was the sinners who were open enough and broken enough to receive his message and his touch of love and healing. Yes repentance needs to be very much a part of my ongoing life, BUT, before I can be released to repentance I need to know a place of safety and acceptance in the arms of a God who loves me more than my wildest imaginings. A God who accepts me as I am and who draws the best from me is a God I want to follow. This God calls me beyond myself into a new way of living and being, s/he does call me to leave my ways behind and to walk in Her/His ways....

S/he calls me to unforced rhythms of grace, and I make no apologies for quoting my favourite verse of scripture again;

 

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." (Matthew 11: 28-30)

 

God wants us to live freely and lightly, Jesus promises not to lay anything heavy or ill fitting upon us... May had been burdened all of her life by a sense of unworthiness and guilt, an encounter with the God of love set her free from that. May was 82; people should not have to wait that long.....

 

May the message of the Church always be seasoned with grace and love....

 

 

Taking stock....

This is my first Saturday at home for a long time, over the last month there has been a rush of courses and meetings, but at last I can stop, take stock and draw a breath. Last weekend saw my final study weekend with ERMC, and I was delighted this week to hear that I have passed my final MA taught module. This is genuine relief and not false humility as I had really struggled to write the assignment and felt as if I was squeezing a reluctant and emptybrain to painfully produce each word. Sue Woan one of the course tutors suggested that it was academic fatigue, after 4 years of study I think she was probably right!

This week has been busy too, with the End of Term Dinner at Wesley House, a friends birthday celebrations and a last meal and meeting with our Society of Contemporary Evangelists Group ( Yorkshire is too far away from Essex for an evening meeting).

Also Chris and Ness ( son and girlfriend) have been here too, not simply visiting but on placement from Cliff College,it has been good to hear how they have interacted with the various groups and events that they have taken part in. They led an "alt-worship" service last Sunday evening which was appreciated by all who were present. For me the most enlightening part of having them here came as we went on a tour of the Circuit, as I described the various Chapels to them it suddenly struck me that two Chapels close together are in villages served by exactly the same teams of clergy, both Methodist and Anglican, but they couldn't be more different in spirituality and outlook. One is very closed in on itself and focused on buildings and survival, whilst the other is very community and mission focused, also as a Chapel they sponsor two children in India. They both receive the same teaching and encouragement, and both congregations are prayed for and with, it is a fascinating insight , and in some ways it is very liberating.

So now I begin to look forward, two groups of packing firms have been to look at the jumble of possessions that currently fill our house. With children home from university we are performing the annual trick of squeezing 3 households into one; thankfully they weren't even slightly put off by this, and I will send three quotes to the Circuit Treasurer next week. As I showed the packers around I began to calculate just how many trips to the tip we are going to have to make. One of the other major tasks facing me is the need to make sense of our library, Tim and I intend to start on this task next week!

Today though I am taking time out to look back over the last five years, beginning with the decision to offer for Methodist Ordained Ministry, and the pathway of twists and turns that have led from there. Woven through all of this has been a lot of family stuff, Chris has undergone at least one operation every year since his major surgery in 2005, and alongside this we have made numerous trips in and out of London to visit consultants and specialists. This has placed a strain on both our emotional resources and our finances as a family and I must withstand the temptation to minimise in my thinking the impact all of this has had upon me. I know that the bout of depression I suffered in 2007/8 was directly connected with the stresses of all of this, but also with various other stresses that life so often brings.

I began training with ERMC part way through an academic year, and am really grateful for the way that I was accepted and integrated into the group. I value this training not only for itsecumenical nature, but also for its broadness, if I had gone to one of Cambridge's Residential Theological Colleges, I could to a large extent have kept close company with folk who agreed with my theological position ( yes I am aware that classes are taught across the Federation) but training with ERMC meant that I had to interact with people I disagreed with. This required a living out the grace and love of God, and although this could be difficult at times, it was also a recipe for growth!

During the course of the time I have been studying and preparing for Ordained Ministry my children have left home, Jo has gone to University in Sheffield and her twin Jon to Lancaster, Emma is living and working in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, having graduated with BMus Hons from Canterbury Christchurch. Paul is well on his way to being an English Teacher and Chris as I have mentioned is at Cliff College studying Theology. So all has been change. Perhaps one of the most difficult things for Tim and I to come to terms with has been that whilst my Candidating process for Methodist Ministry was successful Tim's was not, and although we can see that it was right the way that it was handled by the colleges and by a bungled paperwork problem centrally has left behind a bitter taste. Having said that Tim is grateful to Wesley House for supporting him through further training.

And so it is time to move on, I have no doubt that there will be future ups and downs, before we move on from Norfolk Paul and his fiancee Louise will be married in Kings Lynn, and we will have attended Tim's mum's 70th birthday. We will leave shortly after a sailing and camping holiday on the North Norfolk Coast, where Tim and Joanne hope to retain their title as North West Norfolk Week Champions!

One thing I can say through all of these ups and downs is that I have know God's hand upon me, and that s/he has walked with me even as I have questioned his nature, and hurled impassioned and anguished prayers towards heaven. S/he has grown and changed for me as I have stepped away from a narrowness of thinking and the comfortable theological box that I had so carefully constructed has been blown apart. Through all of this though the uniqueness of Christ has remained central to my understanding, and through him I have found a deeper grace and wider understanding of his love, for this I will always be grateful, for that understanding has enabled me to dare to begin to love myself.

I am aware that this post could go on and on, for it is not and probably cannot be finished, and so I will end here....

God the gardener and God the baker woman.... seeking the Spirit in the text...

 Then Jesus said, "What is God's kingdom like? What can I compare it with?  It is like a mustard seed that a man plants in his garden. The seed grows and becomes a tree, and the wild birds build nests in its branches."

Jesus said again, "What can I compare God's kingdom with?  It is like yeast that a woman took and mixed into a large tub of flour until it made all the dough rise."

(Luke 13: 18-21)

 I am interested in seeking the presence of the Holy Spirit in the text in these two parables. In a recent discussion in a hermeneutics class it was decided by the group that the point of these two parables was to show how the kingdom of God grows and spreads, the kingdom  potential is locked up in a tiny seed and within a small piece of yeast, yet when it comes into contact with the earth and the flour a transformation process begins...

The seed is planted carefully and if the gardener/ farmer is worth his salt, he will water and tend and care for that seed as it grows and bears fruit and eventually offers shade. Like wise the yeast, dormant on its own is brought to life when it makes contact with the flour, and mixed carefully with the right amount of liquid and sugars.

The seed and the yeast are important ingredients, but who are the gardener and the baker?  God as John 15 reminds us is the gardener, the one who cares for and tends the seed, but what is he pouring onto it, and how is he tending this seed of such promise? The Holy Spirit is often given the form of light, water or warmth, and in order to grow the seed needs all of these, so are we seeing God the gardener pouring the gift of the Holy Spirit upon this seed so full of potential, and yet unable to grow without her (the Spirit's) aid?

How about the baker, who is she this woman who carefully mixes the flour and kneads the dough? I like the image of kneading and working that is introduced here, the yeast being pounded into life beneath the bakers hands as air is introduced to the mix by the constant folding and re-folding of the dough...

Who is this that works the mix in such an expert way? Does the baker woman offer us another picture of God as she works the yeast into the dough? I believe that she does, and that her direct actions offer us a picture of the Spirit in action. Bread making is not a gentle art, but it does require care and patience. This picture resonates with me, reminding me how through the sometimes uncomfortable phases of  life the Holy Spirit has been shaping and forming me, it reminds me of how during the most uncomfortable of church meetings that real transformation can take place. I gives me hope to receive the pounding and forming with grace... for soon there will be the sweet smell of freshly baked bread....

The Samaritan woman’s tale revisited (John 4)

Folk who are familiar with my blog will know that the Samaritan woman from John 4 is one of my favourite characters, and so I make no apologies for re-visiting her story today. She holds interest for me as a woman because although I have not experienced the overt ostracisms' that I believe she would have faced I am aware that like me many women struggle with self esteem, and that even small things can render us outsiders.

The Church has been responsible for some of this shunning, and even today many churches have set ideas on how women should behave and what they can/ cannot do. Like many other women who are in or training for ordained ministry I have been told that I should not be putting myself forward in this way, that it is presumptuous of me to do so, and like many women I have found that many of my fiercest critics are other women. I don't truly understand this attitude, and although my story is a very different story to the story of the Samaritan woman, hers is a tale that I draw encouragement and strength from. And so I offer this narrative retelling today:

My heart was heavy as I dragged myself out into the mid-day heat, I needed water and so I had to go to the well. The heat of the sun scorching though it was was kinder to my body than the tongue lashing I would receive in the cooler part of the day was to my soul.

But I was weary, weary and souls sick. I needed companionship, but I was shunned by my sisters, what made it harder to bear was that this was through no fault of my own. They knew my first two husbands, those two cruel men who divorced me without reason. They had cited burning the dinner and loosing a sandal, but neither of those accusations was true; their real problem had been my failure to conceive, and they being impatient men had divorced me before a year of married life was up!

I was only eighteen twice divorced when I met Josiah, the love of my life; he ignored the rumours and the gossip and married me anyway. We were happy, for four blissful years we were happy. I remember singing as I prepared his meals, smiling as I baked the bread and swept the floors. In those days I walked with my sisters to the well, I was one of them, and when my belly began to grow round and full with our first child they clucked over me like a group of mother hens.

Those days are long gone and so is Josiah; he was a builder by trade, and I will never forget the terrible day when the news came, Josiah had fallen from a roof, struck his head on a rock, and he was dead. The grief overwhelmed me so much that I hardly noticed the labour pains to begin with. Shock had caused a premature labour, and my beautiful daughter lived only a few hours. The women called her Miryam, which means sea of bitterness; I did not have the heart or the strength to insist upon another name.

It was then that the rumours began in earnest, I must be cursed they said. Two more failed marriages followed in quick succession, Jeremiah beat me before he threw me out and Philip soon decided that the rumours were not worth the trouble, and divorced me for forgetting to salt the soup. It should not have been so easy for them to abandon me, but by now even the authorities did not question the web of lies that surrounded me.

So here I am, a concubine, not married, living in the home of Alexis, a wealthy Greek trader, he passes this way twice each year, and when he does I am here. His name means protector and helper. He has provided me with shelter, but he cannot protect me from the dagger like glances or the lashing tongues, and so I keep to myself to myself as much as I can.

That is why I was out in the mid-day heat, making my solitary journey to the well, and that is why I was shocked and surprised to find someone there. I was more shocked when he spoke to me! He asked me for a cup of water, a simple request, and yet in making it he threw aside conventions and boundaries that would have kept us apart.

My conversation with Jesus was like no other conversation, he spoke in riddles, and yet he was direct and clear, he spoke of living water, of spirit and of life. He knew me inside and out, and he made no comment, treating me as if I was normal, and although I knew that he was a holy man for there was an air of godliness about him, it didn't seem to bother him that I was a woman alone.

His words were like a refreshing stream in the mid-day heat, and we both forgot about the well and the need to drink physical water, there was something much more important in the air;

"The time is coming—it has, in fact, come," he said "when what you're called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter.

"It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."

Worship from within, now that was new, and it was real! He'd asked me about my husband, and then set me free by commending me for my truthfulness! I no longer needed to be bound by how others thought of me, this man who claimed to be the Messiah had accepted me! When his followers returned and cast their disapproving gazes over me I was not concerned, instead I was filled with a desire to tell my neighbours, to spread the amazing news, to invite them to come and see, to decide for themselves whether this man could be who he said he was.

To my amazement they came, there must have been something different about me or they would have simply dismissed me. Jesus and his disciples stayed with us for two more days, the whole village turned out to hear him, this man, this Jew, who did not shun us and whose words were words of life.

 

I am very pleased to have discovered that the Samaritan Woman has her own feast day; she is celebrated as ST Photini, and tradition has given her a name and redeemed her reputation, although the Orthodox Tradition sticks with the traditional story of the woman as a sinner and adulterer I am really glad that she is remembered as one who was transformed by the love of God. At the end of the day we are all sinners, and transformation is what we all need isn't it?

 

Back-ache and worship...

It has been a long day, I have been suffering from terrible back ache, I printed out my order of service this morning and somehow put my back out lifting the service sheet from the printer....now had it been a heavy book it would all make sense, but a piece of paper! I am not happy....

Having said that the service at Feltwell was really good, a couple of new faces have changed the dynamic of the interactive sermon,  we really got our teeth into the Luke passage, discussing how Jesus calls us out of our comfort zones at times. It was one of those occassions when the worship took us to amazing depths- dare I say our worship led us to a thin place, where we were aware of the Spirit moving amongst us and helping us to be real....

We sang just as I am, and it became a holy encounter, voices barely audiable, yet a real and deep engagement being entered into.....

I believe these experiences are significant and transformative,not that we should place all of our emphasis on seeking the next experience, but that they highlight the deeply relational nature of God, and remind us that salvation is an ongoing process.

A part of this mornings' liturgy:

Come God

Come walk with you people

For you alone are our strength and glory

AND WE PUT OUR TRUST IN YOU

Come God

Come walk behind us, beside us, before us

For you alone are our strength and glory

AND WE PUT OUR TRUST IN YOU

Come God

Come and seek and find us and put us right

For you alone are the light in our darkness

AND WE PUT OUR TRUST IN YOU

Come God

We know you are near

The sound of your footsteps sets us dancing

HELP US TO PRAISE AND WORSHIP YOU

A quest for wholeness

When wisdom enters your heart,
And knowledge is pleasant to your soul,
Discretion will preserve you;
Understanding will keep you,
To deliver you from the way of evil,
From the man who speaks perverse things,
From those who leave the paths of uprightness
                          To walk in the ways of darkness...
                          Proverbs 3:13-18

I have been asked today why the quest for a feminine expression of God, first let me clarify, I do not believe God to be either male or female, I believe God encompasses and transcends both... but I also believe that in that encompassing( is that a word?) that elements of feminine and masculine can be seen, we are after-all made In God's image.

Genesis 1:27   
        So God created humans in his image.
            In the image of God he created them.
                He created them male and female.

As a woman I read of a male God creating both- and the man first.....now I speak to many people who say this does not matter, it is of little consequence since the spiritual is what is important- but that does not take into account the centuries of oppression and suppression that women have suffered, and still suffer- there is still a good deal of criticism about womens ordination- some denominations still consider it to be an abomination. Three years living in Texas gave me a taste of that- though equally we found many churches open to women's ministry- and equally in the UK there are vociferous critics in either camp!

Another thing about concentrating only on the spiritual is that it places us into an almost gnostic duality- where the physical is to be escaped from....we remove the sacred from sexuality or sensuality, from exercise or a good meal, from holding a new born baby or smelling a flower....from walking on a beach, through a forest or watching the sunset.....

....but obviously I do not need to embrace the Divine Feminine in order to count those things sacred, surely I can incorporate a holistic spirituality in relating to a male God....

.... the thing is I can't, and many other women feel the same, some can voice it, others have simply accepted it, others don't even know where the dis-ease comes from. I believe it comes from the sense of being other, of being almost but not quite made in God's image. Whether this is internalised, ignored or truly experienced it has an effect on womens spirituality, some even argue that we truly are to be subordinate, and accept that as God's plan....

...but my quest is for wholeness, a true connectedness with God, where I can accept myself as made in God's image, where I can know myself loved and treasured for being a woman, where I can relate equally in relationships....so if you will permit me to re-interpret the scripture:

Genesis 1:27   
        So humans were created in God's image,
            In the image of God they were created.
                Both female and male they were created....

I have at last been able to break free from my own constraints and embrace a feminist spirituality, I believe that one of the causes of my depression has been the battle going on within my soul - for I will not cannot step away from the Christian faith, but as I seek God's face I am finding traditional interpretations to be inadequate....I am re-reading encounters between Jesus and women in the gospels- amazed by the radical way he accepted them, and often released them from oppression. I am coming to know the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob, is also the God of Sarah, Naomi, Ruth, and Esther....

I finish with a prayer from Nicola Slee- Praying like a Woman

Letter to the Church

Dear brother Church,

I name you brother, not mother

For your leaders are mostly men

And your ways are still too patriarchal.

.

I want to live passionately.

I will not hide my anger, or my energy.

Will you face your own?

.

I want to act effectively,

I will not deny or dissemble my power.

Will you admit your own and be willing to share it?

.

I want to think dangerously.

I will not set limits on what is possible to ask or say or explore.

Will you open the gates of learning you have been guarding and let others in?

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I want to pray deeply,

I will not withhold any part of my life from the divine gaze.

Will you plunge with me into the depths?

.

I will work with you,

But I will not work for you.

.

I will walk with you,

But I will not lead you nor will I follow in your path.

.

I will weep with you and laugh with you,

But I will not feel for you;

You must claim your own passion and pleasure and tears.

.

I will offer you the fullness of my being,

But I will not sacrifice myself on the altar of your impossible demands,

.

Dear brother Church,

I am standing here as a woman struggling to be as I am,

I am speaking;

Are you listening?

My journey has just begun and yet it has lasted a life-time.....

One day I will know....

... well I've just been down to the school to find they are holding interviews and didn't want anyone today. I am now reflecting on my hastily thrown together story and considering how we communicate the gospel to children.

The story is of course full of theological holes, easily picked apart; having said that I would might argue in defence that it was thrown together at the last moment... even so -I believe that telling stories is important!

Jesus it seemed told stories to both conceal and reveal truth, the truth was there for those that dared to hunt it out. He left more questions than he answered, encouraging people to seek out truth themselves...

The study of theology it seems to me does the same thing, we set out to say God is like this- but never get to the end of our statements- or if we do we should always leave more questions than we find answers- or we run the risk of boxing God into our framework!

... and yet we need to understand, we need to know in the fullest sense of the word, and in its fullest sense knowing is relational. In that sense doing theology becomes a love affair, a quest to know fully the God who promises that we will find him if we seek wholeheartedly, and still it seems that she is enjoying a protracted game of hide and seek!

Recognising the importance to tell the "truth" to children we tell stories- and yet they sit uncomfortably with us for they are not complete, they do not full explain what we want them to explain... for in truth we do not have the words.

... and so we enter into the mystery of relationship with God, who we cannot explain, God who in Christ revealed and yet concealed his fullness...God who comes amongst us in human form, born to a poor family... God who works with his hands... God who jokes with his friends... and yet he heals and teaches and even raises the dead!  God whose sacrifice on the cross leaves us with an unfathomable love to comprehend, and then rises in power... God who chooses to work with and amongst us through the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit... God who says receive from me, follow me... be with me!

My stories are incomplete, so is my theology... I see in a glass darkly... but one day and I hold on to this promise I will know as I am known.

Music, reading, candles, and stones

Today has been interesting... I woke late- yes even taking into account the hours leeway given by the clock change... and for once I had no service to lead or MBS Exhibition to go to... I thought about heading to church but decided against it...

I had the house to myself, Tim and Jo had gone to sail the final open meeting of the year, Jon and Chris had both gone out to church... so I put on some worship music, lit a candle ( yes yes very touchy feel-y) and sat down with a cup of coffee to read my Bible...

... as I listened to the lyrics of the worship songs I know so well I reflected on how far I have moved theologically over the last four years- there were many songs I could not sing...in fact I just about got through the first CD when I turned the whole lot off...even the reading was now difficult now...

One song I could stay with was Delirious- My Glorious

My Glorious

The world's shaking with the love of God
Great and glorious, let the whole earth sing
And all you ever do is change the old for new
People we believe that

God is bigger than the air I breathe
The world we'll leave
God will save the day and all will say
My glorious!

Clouds are breaking, heaven's come to earth
Hearts awakening let the church bells ring
And all you ever do is change the old for new
People we believe that

The lyrics aren't great but they sort of reflect a struggle to name God- and My Glorious is rather an interesting title... though I'm not sure thats what they mean! Give me a Wesleyan hymn... but even those can be difficult!

I was struck by Bartimaeus though- how brave he was in such a position of weakness to keep on calling out like that- also by Jesus giving him a place of honour by asking the towns people to go and fetch him!

I kept the candle lit all morning- it seemed important somehow- a prayer offered though there were no words...

Chris came home and decided that he would cook lunch- he made Enchiladas- not your typical Sunday lunch - but I'm not complaining... anyway typical Sunday lunch here is often beans on toast between services!

That freed me up to browse around some blogs and I was really challenged by Lorna's post about spiritual refreshment... or as she delicately put it tanked up! I thought about the things that feed me, and those things that simply drain me ... some were hard to acknowledge... like the fact that I am finding leading worship and preaching very hard right now... I feel like I'm on a 5 hymn prayer sandwich treadmill much of the time!

Reading Lorna's post freed me and encouraged me to drive to the coast ( surprise surprise) and walk along the beach for a couple of hours... I'd been collecting stones on Friday- but today went just for me...

I walked onto the beach and immediately saw a heart shaped stone- I knew it was for me so picked it up and started walking- to start with it felt like a gift- but as I walked God revealed to me how my heart has gradually been turning to stone, every emotional bump and bruise that I choose to hang on to adds another bit of stone... so I walked and prayed and asked God to reveal those things I was holding...

Over the last few years we have had a rough ride as a family, and it has hurt, I was angry with God and although greatly helped by Nicola Slee's Psalm of anger given to me earlier in the summer, I had picked up a lot of other stuff including a whole load of unforgiveness towards myself; and that can be the toughest stuff to deal with... why is it so hard to own our own brokenness???

... as I walked and prayed I knew that I was going to have to give the stone up, my first thought was to hang onto it until next Saturday's service with ERMC at Ditchingham, but I knew that a week of festering over all of this was not going to be very productive... and anyway God said no- now I'd acknowledged all this stuff I was not going to be allowed to hang onto it!

So I walked out to a point where I could jump across the mud flats and reach the water and hurled the stone into the water and mud towards the sunset which was casting rainbow images across the water....

Do I feel different- no- but it was a prayer made in obedience to an inner compulsion that was either my own craziness of the Holy Spirits prompting... but I'm left with a promise:

Come Holy Spirit come...

Eze 36:26

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

Smelling our sex- women doing theology and the Western Church...

Having provoked people to thought with a post on Gnosticism women doing theology and the western church, I thought I'd better have a go ( having promised) to unpack these thoughts a little more- but I warn you as I did on the original posts these thoughts are in a formative stage, and may be wildly over stretched and over connected!

First to answer Rodney's questions- it may help to know a little of where I come from- I have no grounding in Christian teaching. neither of my parents would have called themselves Christian- to add to this I picked up nothing at school having attended The Garden International School in Kuala Lumpur from the age of 3- 12. In my second year of senior level schooling my parents moved back to England a few turbulent years followed; and I ended up in St Peters High School Burnham On Crouch... suffice to say I underwent a huge cultural shift in my early teens!

I started to attend church for two reasons, one was a serious seeking, and secondly a need to belong... I was accepted and welcomed, this was a milestone in my journey of faith...

My life in Malaysia had been relatively sheltered- a big English High School came as a shock- with this being at a formative stage in life and my parents concentrating on divorce I was all at sea in the complicated waters of discovering my own sexuality! I did not understand my body and the desires and "needs" that were surfacing- but as I talk to other women now I know that I was not alone- the mid- late seventies were still largely affected by the free love anything goes ethos of the 60's, but to put things in the immortal words of Mae West:

"Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere!"

This type of thinking is still prevalent in our society today- and good girls are pure and chaste... given the pressures of society and culture... we need to develop a way of reaching a generation who felt compelled to give themselves away sexually, whilst remaining pure... ( an impossible ask!)

Although I desperately wanted to be good, I did not fit into that category- I lived a dual existence, hiding one part of me from the other! I suggest this is an unacknowledged experience of many women in the west where for all our talk of equality and freedom neither of these things are acceptable in practise... overlay this with an expectation of innocence and purity from a largely patriarchal church and another layer of hiding is imposed!

I have great sympathy and empathy for the woman at the well in John Ch4- she smelled (metaphorically) of her sex, her life of searching for love had become confused and she was shunned by the society she lived in- I contend that for many women in the west  this is their story- were they free to tell it- even those who have not stepped beyond the conventional boundaries have surely been challenged by them! There is a deep need to be real, to express the confusion caused by a society that demands young mothers regain their shape soon after childbirth in order to become attractive sexual beings again... there is a deep need to challenge the manufacturers of children's clothing NOT to sell T-shirts adorned with words like "Sex Kitten" to 4 & 5 year olds!

Women are encouraged to excel intellectually and in business- but there is an underlying current that demands nevertheless that their lives be centred upon their husbands and families No matter how free the West claims to be this demand often causes women to be stretched in many different directions- in some cases to breaking point! For women like me whose creativity lies not in needlework nor in baking, but in the use of words and in thinking- there seems to be no safe place to express ourselves without the challenge to be something we are not! Also go ahead read the chapter- this woman is seriously asexual!!! We need the challenge of biblical women like Ruth and Esther to be held high, but how often is this the case??? How comfortable are we when women use their sensuality ( note not sex- but sensuality- these two things are different!)  to gain favour... we do not like to go there I think! It takes a woman confident in herself,  able to "smell" and control her own sexuality to  go into seemingly dangerous places for those who have long been declared rather patronisingly the "weaker sex"! Both Ruth and Esther did this with grace and control- Esther winning favour for her people- and preventing their destruction!

As for women in leadership roles; especially in male dominated areas such as the Church- here again there is a serious dualism at work- on the one hand- it is widely acknowledged that women are as intellectually capable as men- but because this often ( not always) expresses itself in feminine ways such as intuition and not rationality, this is rejected as inferior, because little time or effort is invested into understanding it. Womens leadership styles are often not those of traditional upfront trailblazers, rather they will be those who encourage people from behind, leading yet not standing out in obvious ways... those who dare to are often categorised as cold and hard... how many men are cold and hard if this is the case, and why is that acceptable?

I have been involved in working with an Evangelistic organisation for many years, I have a letter from the leader quoting General Booth who said:

" Some of my best men are women and such are you."

It was genuinely meant as a compliment, and I took it as such, but there is an underlying message there that challenges the core of who I am- I am a woman- I can never become one of the best men in the organisation because I am not a man, I do not act think or speak as a man! It has taken me a long time to define my own preaching style- because I was largely taught to preach by men- whose systematic approach was a mystery to me (having said that I did gain from their teaching, but have fought to retain my own style which is not systematic).

In may ways women who adopt a feminine leadership style are a challenge to the current systems- and although I know we are all different I wonder how many women are able to be true to themselves- or how about men who tend towards right brained functioning- must we wear masks of rationality and reason and order?

I have been challenged about my unsuitability for tasks which I have completed well, such as chairing meetings, and running events- I have been challenged by some about my suitability for Ministry- one man accused me of stealing my husbands glory ( see 1 Corinthians 11 vs 7)...

So when I speak of the need to smell my sex I am talking about the acknowledgement of who I am as a woman in Christ- of how my gifts and talents are expressed and of a deep desire to be real- many in the Western Church find this disturbing, and I contend that although women are being released into ministry and recognised as having gifts and talents in their own right- there is still an underlying demand for us to become as men- in order for the boat not to be rocked too far from its comfortable even keel!

These thoughts were sparked by Marcella Althous-Reid through her book Indecent Theology- as I read more I find myself more challenged- but also find that this challenge resonates deeply with me... are these dangerous water? I am not sure, they are largely uncharted especially from a Western perspective- it is one thing to speak from the standpoint of the poor and oppressed in Latin America whose experiences may resonate but are entirely other- it is another to take up the challenge of Indecent Theology from a Western perspective and to ask- in our apparently enlightened and free context - what does this mean- and what is God saying... how is She challenging me to learn and to grow?