i have a choice,
and today i choose life,
life in its complexity,
in its absurdity,
life filled
with challenges,
life demanding questions,
offering few answers,
life in its ups and
its downs,
life to be lived
and breathed,
to be faced head on
and grasped
with determination
and faith,
i have a choice,
and today i choose life
creative,
abundant,
overwhelming,
perplexing,
life...
+
i have a choice,
and today i choose life,
i choose life
for life has
chosen me!
I have spent nearly my whole day immersed in words again, reading the Scriptures, looking for hymns, formulating prayers, writing reports, thinking, taking notes.... the list goes on...
At the same time I am mulling over some recent conversations ( more words); talking to creative friends who are frustrated a resistance to creativity that is so much in evidence in our now very word based Christian traditions, listening to a Local Preacher talk of how it was his experience of God that kept him faithful during a difficult personal time....
...and yet time and again we shy away from talking of our experiences, relegating them to second or third place, unsure what to do with them. Time and again I talk to folk who dislike imagery because of the emotional response it evokes from them, or run from creative expression in worship declaring that it has no place there...
Even creative workshops and quiet days seem to be suffering a backlash of anti-spirituality/ experiential thinking. I am beginning to feel like the thirsty traveler who discovered a pool of water only to have folk come along and tell me it is bad to drink from it....
Suddenly it seems to me that word and tradition are re-asserting their prominence in some circles over experience and a rise in thinking and talking about spirituality...
Does anyone know why?
Or am I going mad quietly on my own????
Because I need both, don't get me wrong, I love words, and I love the Scriptures, and I believe that there are depths within our traditions that would be a terrible loss were we to shun them. But I also need creativity, I need to pray with more than words and I struggle many times to find God through listening to a 20 minute 3 point sermon....
I need to experience worship with others, to find God through art, or music or meditation, through planting a seed, or felting a stone, or meditating on an indoor fountain....
As a Methodist the Wesleyan Quadrilateral is important to me, and experience is an essential part of it; it is about my personal and communal experience of Christ, an experience that demands that I am whole, body mind and spirit whole. My faith did not begin in my head, it began with an experience, an opening of my heart to accept that I was loved by God....
Without that experience I would have given up long ago, as would my Local Preacher friend....
How about you???
This morning I as looked out across my garden it seemed that winter had arrived, bare branches reached skywards where only a few months ago there were flowers and green shrubs. Now the leaves have fallen, and the bare branches of many of the shrubs have been pruned back.The scene in monochrome, even the vegetable beds that Tim has been working on so hard are waiting for the new season, the soil has been dug and the beds prepared but they are bare, open to the winter rains and frosts...
Yesterday I re-potted a couple of my orchids, even these indoor plants have entered into a time of waiting, their stalks have been pruned back, their colourful exotic flowers are gone for this year, and I have moved them to a place where they will receive just the right amount of warmth and light for the waiting time....
There seems to be little life in the garden, and the orchids look like dead sticks, but all is not what it seems, new life is simply waiting to burst forth when the time is right, but for now this bit of creation has entered into the waiting time.
In contrast to the quiet and stillness of my garden are the local shops where even in the village Christmas has arrived with full force, adverts in the local Co-op tempt us not to wait until Christmas Day to begin feasting, while in a neighbouring village the lights have been on for weeks now. If I turn on the television I am bombarded with adverts, the radio offers the same constant feed of consumerism, preparation is all about consumption.
No wonder we are weary, we have lost the ability to truly rest, and have forsaken the wonder of waiting, replacing anticipation with headlong rush of activity adding stress to a season that sends bank accounts and relationships spiraling into disaster. How tragic that parents are judged not by the love, care and concern that they have for their children but by the size of the parcel they are able to provide. I speak to mothers who sacrifice bedtime stories and cuddles for part-time jobs simply in order to buy that latest toy for a child whose head has been filled desire for a toy that has been advertised solidly from September onwards. I speak to families stressed out by not being able to buy the approval of relatives and friends. I hear it from my own children as living on student loans they struggle to resist the perils of the season!
I want to stand in the centre of our towns and shopping centres with a big placard that simply reads STOP! I wonder if I did, how many people would take the time to come and see just what I was up to, and why I wanted to break into the frenetic activity I find around me. I want to invite people to take time out from tinsel, and to give themselves a breathing space. In that space I pray that some form or perspective might begin to dawn...
I am aware that I am repeating myself. I have said so much of this before, and at the risk of sounding like a broken record I will continue to say it. We need to STOP! Advent is not about chocolate filled calenders it is a season of repentance and fasting just as Lent is, it is also a season of preparation, one that calls us not to look to the babe in the manger but rather to the risen Christ WHO WILL COME AGAIN. Last Sunday's gospel reading brought with it the challenge not to get caught up in dissipation and drunkenness but challenged us instead to look beyond the cares and desires of this world.
Do I struggle with all of this? Oh yes, I was brought up to believe that Christmas was all about presents and feasting. I feel guilty if I don't enter into the spirit of the season, but through my struggle I want to encounter the Spirit who made the season a cause for celebration, the Spirit who opened the virgins womb and made the incarnation a reality. That same Spirit is the one who brought life to the lifeless body of Jesus and raised the babe of Bethlehem restoring him to heavens glory. It is that Spirit, the Holy Spirit whose fire I want to fill my life in and through the coming celebrations, and because of that I need the season of Advent, not so that I can prepare through purchases filling my life with clutter. Rather I need to be emptied, I need time out from tinsel, for although it is particularly noticeable at Christmas time, glitter and tinsel beckon to us through out the year in one way or another.
So I am taking time out, to seek the one who calls to us; he sees that we are weary and burdened, and he invites us aside. He offers us rest, and if we chose the road to radical recovery, and long, no yearn to live a life free from consumerism's grip and look instead for contentment, he promises to walk with us and work with us.
We can choose to take permanent time out from tinsel, and in doing do we might just find that we really have something to celebrate!
I am sitting at my desk and trying to take a step back to think about the last twelve days;I feel as if I have been caught up in a fast moving soap opera script, and the writers have just taken a break to focus their attention elsewhere!
Twelve days ago my home started filling up with family members, they were coming to celebrate my eldest sons' wedding, by the day of the wedding there were 14 0f us at lunch time. Paul and Louise's wedding was a joyful family occasion.... and we moved on
... to a yard sale, because we are moving house, and raising funds to send my youngest daughter Jo on a mission trip to Zambia....
Preaching is normal for a Sunday, but with the busyness of the week it proved a challenge, our minds were preoccupied any way as n Tuesday we dropped Chris and his girlfriend Ness at Downham station...
Chris was to be admitted to the Royal Brompton Hospital for surgery, which was thankfully a great success... it has been a long time coming!
While Chris was in hospital with Ness wonderfully supporting him we prepared for another wedding, this time for a young friend. We helped to set up the reception venue and sorted out various instruments for the band at the ceremony, I was privileged to be invited to preach ...
....Tim and I stayed for the wedding speeches and headed off to London to collect Chris and Ness....
Time for a rest???
No, time to travel down to Essex for a family get together to celebrate my mother-in-laws 70th....
Followed the next day by 2 services, first my final service and sermonin Downham Market, and then a Circuit farewell service where God was praised and we were thanked for our ministry...
... a rest?
Well not quite because to add to the excitement Emma my eldest daughter was left stranded by an ineffective train service. Tim and I are grateful to Ann and Mike her boyfriends' parents for rescuing her!...
And now, I am sitting at my desk trying to take stock, next to me is a pile of prayers and blessings written during yesterdays service by the folk who were there. The prayers are for our whole family, and we are grateful, and not a little overwhelmed...
No wonder I can't think.....
Right, back to the packing in 20 days we will be living in Yorkshire!!!
Through all the changing scenes of life,
In trouble and in joy,
The praises of my God shall still
My heart and tongue employ.
I had lunch with a dear friend today, I trained for ministry with him on an ecumenical course. If we had not trained together I doubt that our paths would ever have crossed, but I am very glad that they did.
It is amazing that I can call him a friend, because we disagree on many areas of theology and practice, but we share a love for God and I believe that it is God who by grace enables us to be friends.
I see in him a passion for the faith that he holds dear, and I suspect that he can see that same passion reflected in me, and yet we express and appropriate the grace and love that come through faith so differently. He does not believe that women should be ordained, whereas I definitely do ( no surprises there), we look at Scripture from different angles and interpret it differently. He makes me shudder sometimes, and I know that the feeling is mutual. BUT he is my friend.
Grace enables both of us to hold our beliefs both dearly and passionately and yet lightly, grace taps us on the shoulder and reminds us that we might just be wrong. I pray for him, and I know that he prays for me, and there are times when I seek his wisdom for in it I find a deep compassion.
I find our friendship to be challenging and stimulating, as well as finding it infuriating at times. I believe that it is essential that we retain the ability to hear one another, and that we continue to see the passion for Christ that the other displays. I believe there is a real need for respectful debate and discussion amongst Christians of all flavours, and that by being intentionally open to one another we will learn and grow. It is easy to enter into a slanging match and to build small enclosures for our selves and those who think exactly as we do, it is harder and more challenging to choose the way of grace, but we must learn to do so!
Another friend-a blogosphere friend with whom I tend to agree says this:
If we only listen to those we agree with, what credit is that to us? Even terrorists do that! But if we wish to make a difference in this world, if we want the world to become a listening world, we need to lead by example. We need to become excellent listeners, active listeners … listening to those we disagree with.
He is right, grace filled listening is the way we are called to, it is a path of humility and growth.
This is my first Saturday at home for a long time, over the last month there has been a rush of courses and meetings, but at last I can stop, take stock and draw a breath. Last weekend saw my final study weekend with ERMC, and I was delighted this week to hear that I have passed my final MA taught module. This is genuine relief and not false humility as I had really struggled to write the assignment and felt as if I was squeezing a reluctant and emptybrain to painfully produce each word. Sue Woan one of the course tutors suggested that it was academic fatigue, after 4 years of study I think she was probably right!
This week has been busy too, with the End of Term Dinner at Wesley House, a friends birthday celebrations and a last meal and meeting with our Society of Contemporary Evangelists Group ( Yorkshire is too far away from Essex for an evening meeting).
Also Chris and Ness ( son and girlfriend) have been here too, not simply visiting but on placement from Cliff College,it has been good to hear how they have interacted with the various groups and events that they have taken part in. They led an "alt-worship" service last Sunday evening which was appreciated by all who were present. For me the most enlightening part of having them here came as we went on a tour of the Circuit, as I described the various Chapels to them it suddenly struck me that two Chapels close together are in villages served by exactly the same teams of clergy, both Methodist and Anglican, but they couldn't be more different in spirituality and outlook. One is very closed in on itself and focused on buildings and survival, whilst the other is very community and mission focused, also as a Chapel they sponsor two children in India. They both receive the same teaching and encouragement, and both congregations are prayed for and with, it is a fascinating insight , and in some ways it is very liberating.
So now I begin to look forward, two groups of packing firms have been to look at the jumble of possessions that currently fill our house. With children home from university we are performing the annual trick of squeezing 3 households into one; thankfully they weren't even slightly put off by this, and I will send three quotes to the Circuit Treasurer next week. As I showed the packers around I began to calculate just how many trips to the tip we are going to have to make. One of the other major tasks facing me is the need to make sense of our library, Tim and I intend to start on this task next week!
Today though I am taking time out to look back over the last five years, beginning with the decision to offer for Methodist Ordained Ministry, and the pathway of twists and turns that have led from there. Woven through all of this has been a lot of family stuff, Chris has undergone at least one operation every year since his major surgery in 2005, and alongside this we have made numerous trips in and out of London to visit consultants and specialists. This has placed a strain on both our emotional resources and our finances as a family and I must withstand the temptation to minimise in my thinking the impact all of this has had upon me. I know that the bout of depression I suffered in 2007/8 was directly connected with the stresses of all of this, but also with various other stresses that life so often brings.
I began training with ERMC part way through an academic year, and am really grateful for the way that I was accepted and integrated into the group. I value this training not only for itsecumenical nature, but also for its broadness, if I had gone to one of Cambridge's Residential Theological Colleges, I could to a large extent have kept close company with folk who agreed with my theological position ( yes I am aware that classes are taught across the Federation) but training with ERMC meant that I had to interact with people I disagreed with. This required a living out the grace and love of God, and although this could be difficult at times, it was also a recipe for growth!
During the course of the time I have been studying and preparing for Ordained Ministry my children have left home, Jo has gone to University in Sheffield and her twin Jon to Lancaster, Emma is living and working in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, having graduated with BMus Hons from Canterbury Christchurch. Paul is well on his way to being an English Teacher and Chris as I have mentioned is at Cliff College studying Theology. So all has been change. Perhaps one of the most difficult things for Tim and I to come to terms with has been that whilst my Candidating process for Methodist Ministry was successful Tim's was not, and although we can see that it was right the way that it was handled by the colleges and by a bungled paperwork problem centrally has left behind a bitter taste. Having said that Tim is grateful to Wesley House for supporting him through further training.
And so it is time to move on, I have no doubt that there will be future ups and downs, before we move on from Norfolk Paul and his fiancee Louise will be married in Kings Lynn, and we will have attended Tim's mum's 70th birthday. We will leave shortly after a sailing and camping holiday on the North Norfolk Coast, where Tim and Joanne hope to retain their title as North West Norfolk Week Champions!
One thing I can say through all of these ups and downs is that I have know God's hand upon me, and that s/he has walked with me even as I have questioned his nature, and hurled impassioned and anguished prayers towards heaven. S/he has grown and changed for me as I have stepped away from a narrowness of thinking and the comfortable theological box that I had so carefully constructed has been blown apart. Through all of this though the uniqueness of Christ has remained central to my understanding, and through him I have found a deeper grace and wider understanding of his love, for this I will always be grateful, for that understanding has enabled me to dare to begin to love myself.
I am aware that this post could go on and on, for it is not and probably cannot be finished, and so I will end here....
It has been a long day, I have been suffering from terrible back ache, I printed out my order of service this morning and somehow put my back out lifting the service sheet from the printer....now had it been a heavy book it would all make sense, but a piece of paper! I am not happy....
Having said that the service at Feltwell was really good, a couple of new faces have changed the dynamic of the interactive sermon, we really got our teeth into the Luke passage, discussing how Jesus calls us out of our comfort zones at times. It was one of those occassions when the worship took us to amazing depths- dare I say our worship led us to a thin place, where we were aware of the Spirit moving amongst us and helping us to be real....
We sang just as I am, and it became a holy encounter, voices barely audiable, yet a real and deep engagement being entered into.....
I believe these experiences are significant and transformative,not that we should place all of our emphasis on seeking the next experience, but that they highlight the deeply relational nature of God, and remind us that salvation is an ongoing process.
A part of this mornings' liturgy:
Come God
Come walk with you people
For you alone are our strength and glory
AND WE PUT OUR TRUST IN YOU
Come God
Come walk behind us, beside us, before us
For you alone are our strength and glory
AND WE PUT OUR TRUST IN YOU
Come God
Come and seek and find us and put us right
For you alone are the light in our darkness
AND WE PUT OUR TRUST IN YOU
Come God
We know you are near
The sound of your footsteps sets us dancing
HELP US TO PRAISE AND WORSHIP YOU
Today has been interesting... I woke late- yes even taking into account the hours leeway given by the clock change... and for once I had no service to lead or MBS Exhibition to go to... I thought about heading to church but decided against it...
I had the house to myself, Tim and Jo had gone to sail the final open meeting of the year, Jon and Chris had both gone out to church... so I put on some worship music, lit a candle ( yes yes very touchy feel-y) and sat down with a cup of coffee to read my Bible...
... as I listened to the lyrics of the worship songs I know so well I reflected on how far I have moved theologically over the last four years- there were many songs I could not sing...in fact I just about got through the first CD when I turned the whole lot off...even the reading was now difficult now...
One song I could stay with was Delirious- My Glorious
My Glorious
The world's shaking with the love of God
Great and glorious, let the whole earth sing
And all you ever do is change the old for new
People we believe that
God is bigger than the air I breathe
The world we'll leave
God will save the day and all will say
My glorious!
Clouds are breaking, heaven's come to earth
Hearts awakening let the church bells ring
And all you ever do is change the old for new
People we believe that
The lyrics aren't great but they sort of reflect a struggle to name God- and My Glorious is rather an interesting title... though I'm not sure thats what they mean! Give me a Wesleyan hymn... but even those can be difficult!
I was struck by Bartimaeus though- how brave he was in such a position of weakness to keep on calling out like that- also by Jesus giving him a place of honour by asking the towns people to go and fetch him!
I kept the candle lit all morning- it seemed important somehow- a prayer offered though there were no words...
Chris came home and decided that he would cook lunch- he made Enchiladas- not your typical Sunday lunch - but I'm not complaining... anyway typical Sunday lunch here is often beans on toast between services!
That freed me up to browse around some blogs and I was really challenged by Lorna's post about spiritual refreshment... or as she delicately put it tanked up! I thought about the things that feed me, and those things that simply drain me ... some were hard to acknowledge... like the fact that I am finding leading worship and preaching very hard right now... I feel like I'm on a 5 hymn prayer sandwich treadmill much of the time!
Reading Lorna's post freed me and encouraged me to drive to the coast ( surprise surprise) and walk along the beach for a couple of hours... I'd been collecting stones on Friday- but today went just for me...
I walked onto the beach and immediately saw a heart shaped stone- I knew it was for me so picked it up and started walking- to start with it felt like a gift- but as I walked God revealed to me how my heart has gradually been turning to stone, every emotional bump and bruise that I choose to hang on to adds another bit of stone... so I walked and prayed and asked God to reveal those things I was holding...
Over the last few years we have had a rough ride as a family, and it has hurt, I was angry with God and although greatly helped by Nicola Slee's Psalm of anger given to me earlier in the summer, I had picked up a lot of other stuff including a whole load of unforgiveness towards myself; and that can be the toughest stuff to deal with... why is it so hard to own our own brokenness???
... as I walked and prayed I knew that I was going to have to give the stone up, my first thought was to hang onto it until next Saturday's service with ERMC at Ditchingham, but I knew that a week of festering over all of this was not going to be very productive... and anyway God said no- now I'd acknowledged all this stuff I was not going to be allowed to hang onto it!
So I walked out to a point where I could jump across the mud flats and reach the water and hurled the stone into the water and mud towards the sunset which was casting rainbow images across the water....
Do I feel different- no- but it was a prayer made in obedience to an inner compulsion that was either my own craziness of the Holy Spirits prompting... but I'm left with a promise:
Come Holy Spirit come...
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.Eze 36:26
T
his Saturday has been my first Saturday at home for 2 months, between residential courses and Journey Into Wholeness training I have been away, either driving and teaching or being taught, 2 m onths of 7 day working weeks without any real rest... this frenetic lifestyle has placed a strain onto me that I had not fully appreciated until I had the chance to stop today...
Today in between working on tomorrows sermon- I have pottered around- cleaned some windows, trimmed the hedge, cleared a washing backlog read and slept...
Summer was a strain, of people and sailing- providing endless cooking cleaning driving and washing, trying to balance work and study with an out of contorl home life...- I must say I am glad it is over, I really hadn't realised how little time I had had for relaxing- the resulting strain had caused me to get several things out of place and out of focus..
We need balance in our lives, and time to rest and simply be is essential- today I found that space- Chris and I were the only ones at home this evening- I enjoyed his company as we sat and talked over the last year... like all of my children he has grown up so quickly... Jo and Tim went to the sailing club prize giving, Jon is out celebrating a friends 18th- Paul is working, and Em is down in Canterbury ( I enjoyed a good chat with her today)...
So as I reflect I acknowledge my need for balance, for rest and for good family time... without this I become overstretched and overwrought- this summer I allowed that to happen... I let my family , several friends, and myself down in the process... we need sabbath rest, so I apologise to the folk I have let down- and pray for Gods help to move forward...
Matthew 11:28-30 "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."
We all wear masks from time to time, hiding our true selves, along with our inadequacies/ hurts and pains from one another... we wear them for various reasons, and sometimes we become so used to hiding that we forget who we really are...
This became a part of our exploration of "Time to Talk of God"at Feltwell Bible Study this morning. Time to Talk of God is an excellent resource published by the Methodist Church. Its gentle approach to helping congregations explore voicing their spiritual journey/ life is helpful and encouraging. People voiced their needs and frustrations, and examined honestly the barriers to talking about faith. Janet Morely the convener of the project says:
It is about how we talk - and listen - to each other about the things that matter most. How shall we be confident in sharing our faith more widely if we never have these conversations among church members? And what sort of church will genuine seekers encounter if we are embarrassed to discuss the spiritual questions that motivate them?”
It was a good time for all of us! We finished late as usual and in prayer.
Staff meeting this afternoon with more of the same, we had a good an open discussion about the way forward, possible I guess because we have been given a 3 year extension to carry on the work from 2007, none of us needs to be job hunting so we can throw ourselves into the work, and there is a genuine desire to do this as a team.
After the meeting I drove into Peterborough....
The drive in was again marked by amazing fenland skies- shafts of light streaming through low lying cloud, accompanied by Bach, St Matthews passion, it was a truly spiritual experience! Driving seems to give me space to breathe and worship at the moment- and yet I wrestle with the need to cover so many miles.
...once there I met with Helen my staff mentor with ERMC, we went out for a curry which was excellent, and had a very open and honest discussion covering a number of issues- also excellent, and much needed.
I am grateful to Helen for her ability to listen and to understand some difficult stuff without judgement! We went on to talk about theology- backgrounds and hopes, and about the Peterborough Project- I have my first meeting with this group tomorrow!
I drove home more confident in knowing Gods call than I have for a long time, and I am thankful to the people who have prayed for and supported me through a very difficult time. As I drove I listened to Radio 4 The Choice, todays guest was Mark Dowd he talked about his decision to withdraw from the Dominican Order, it was a tough but releasing decision. He spoke of the sudden revelation of a God who wanted him to be happy, and of the pains and regrets his decision caused and still cause him. Helen and I had talked about choices too, and how in some way faithfulness to Gods paths bring their own reward no matter how hard the decisions we make at the time might seem.
YOU RESCUED ME, and picked me up,
A living hope of grace revealed,
A life transformed in righteousness,
O Lord You have rescued me.
Forgiving me, You healed my heart,
And set me free from sin and death.
You brought me life, You made me whole,
O Lord, You have rescued me.
And You loved me before I knew You,
And You knew me for all time.
I’ve been created in Your image,
O Lord.
And You bought me, and You sought me,
Your blood poured out for me;
A new creation in Your image,
O Lord.
You rescued me, You rescued me. - Geoff Bullock 1992
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