This morning I led and preached at an Advent Communion Service at North Shore, it felt right to be doing it. Unsusally for me I used the Worship Book and leant on the Liturgy to carry me through and found it both helpful and powerful. but I am having to take note that it left me exhausted. I was planning on going for a walk this afternoon but must admit that I fell asleep and didn't have the enegry for the walking so when I woke up and after a cup of tea did some Qi-gong style stretches instead.
So why am I writing about this? Well partly for myself I must admit, and maybe for those who have spoken to me following my blogs on depression because they have struck a chord with them. Yesterday was a very hard day, I have identified why and am not about to beat myself up about not doing all of the things that I ( and yes finally I see that it is probably more me than others) feel that I should be doing. It would be very easy for me to be angry with myself for not going out walking this afternnon but I am not going to be, I can walk tomorrow, and I don't have to be completely better, I don't have to be on top form, and I can accept the care, love and gifts of others.
Yesterday Iwas tempted to beat myself up for not being at Church to help with the decorating, but I truly didn't have the energy for it and that is OK at the moment. I know that in order to care for others that right now I have to learn to care for myself gently, so I am trying to do things like eating properly, getting exercise and sleep and not pushing myself too much. The Church looked lovely this morning and I am grateful for all of those who gave their time and gifts in the decorating, I am grateful for a community that works together, yes we have our differences and quirks, disagreements and irritations but on the whole we are working together, and need to work together.
So I continue to take things day by day and step by step, knowing that God is with me, and not allowing one day to inform how I might be the next day, if I had done that this morning I would not have got out of bed. Walking through Advent with depresion as my guide is giving me a fresh perspective on the depths of love revealed in the one who would leave the glories of heaven to be born into his creation. I am finding a quieter less glitter paved way towards the Christmas Celebrations, taking a fresh joy in the Scriptures and symbols such as a single candle while not forcing a daily observance I am finding the God who has found me, and trusting in the Spirit to be the strength in my weaknesses.
Today has been a good day in many ways, tomorrow may not be, for now I am content to take things one step at a time.
Photo taken on retreat in Durham last month