Eternal Echoes

Victoria - Requiem - Kyrie - Tallis Scholars

We were blogging yesterday about alternate states of consciousness close your eyes and listen.... where did you go?

Journey Into Wholeness...

It has been a strange day- Tim woke early to drive in to Wesley House, the twins have been out at college, Paul went to Thetford to visit Rosabella (taking her a birthday present, she is 3 tomorrow)... Chris slept in he'd had a busy day on Sunday and needed the rest...

I managed some housework, made some important calls and sorted myself out for the week ahead- this included a time of prayer and heart searching, later I was helped by a good friend whose wisdom and loving attitude I really valued and needed today. ( thanks L)!

This evening I went to Linton to run a training session for the Journey Into Wholeness group there, we spent a good time in prayer, then looked at the ethos and practise of the Journey Into Wholeness project- followed by a time looking at praying for people when they come to the stand, how to relate to people who express a very different spirituality and at using the Jesus Deck as a tool to dialogue and sharing the gospel message.

The training was very rewarding and well received, they engaged well with the Jesus Deck, spending some time ministering to one another through it, and being amazed how God spoke!

I know from this that I am called to preach and teach and that I cannot, must not allow anything to come between me and that call, for through it I acknowledge that it is Christs love that compels me and he calls me to to share his love... and having received forgiveness and grace poured over me again,,, I am in the words of Note for a Child asking-

Can you make me live? Can your words be true?
Can you take this heart? Can you make it new?
Why can I not change all the pain I see?
Why do I do wrong? Is there something wrong with me?
My head is in my hands, the tears fall down my face,
Why do you forgive? Why cover me with grace?
How can I not search all these mysteries?
Forgive my unbelief, help me to believe

Driving down to Linton along the Ely road the sun was setting- and I was treated to an amazing fenland sunset- the sky wag golden and all the clouds were cast with a silver lining- I wish I'd had my camera with me, but I don't think I could do it justice! Coming home and I needed to detour- there was an accident on the A142, so I headed up the A11  around Thetford- driving through Thetford forest at night is always atmospheric- the deer feed at the roads edge- driving should be carried out respectfully through the Forest!

So today has been a day of repentance and restoration-I have made fresh steps on my Journey towards wholeness, and I am seeking to be a sign post to others

... by His grace ... I am what I am... and He will lead me on...

It has been a strange day- Tim woke early to drive in to Wesley House, the twins have been out at college, Paul went to Thetford to visit Rosabella (taking her a birthday present, she is 3 tomorrow)... Chris slept in he'd had a busy day on Sunday and needed the rest...

I managed some housework, made some important calls and sorted myself out for the week ahead- this included a time of prayer and heart searching, later I was helped by a good friend whose wisdom and loving attitude I really valued and needed today. ( thanks L)!

This evening I went to Linton to run a training session for the Journey Into Wholeness group there, we spent a good time in prayer, then looked at the ethos and practise of the Journey Into Wholeness project- followed by a time looking at praying for people when they come to the stand, how to relate to people who express a very different spirituality and at using the Jesus Deck as a tool to dialogue and sharing the gospel message.

The training was very rewarding and well received, they engaged well with the Jesus Deck, spending some time ministering to one another through it, and being amazed how God spoke!

I know from this that I am called to preach and teach and that I cannot, must not allow anything to come between me and that call, for through it I acknowledge that it is Christs love that compels me and he calls me to to share his love... and having received forgiveness and grace poured over me again,,, I am in the words of Note for a Child asking-

Can you make me live? Can your words be true?
Can you take this heart? Can you make it new?
Why can I not change all the pain I see?
Why do I do wrong? Is there something wrong with me?
My head is in my hands, the tears fall down my face,
Why do you forgive? Why cover me with grace?
How can I not search all these mysteries?
Forgive my unbelief, help me to believe

Driving down to Linton along the Ely road the sun was setting- and I was treated to an amazing fenland sunset- the sky wag golden and all the clouds were cast with a silver lining- I wish I'd had my camera with me, but I don't think I could do it justice! Coming home and I needed to detour- there was an accident on the A142, so I headed up the A11  around Thetford- driving through Thetford forest at night is always atmospheric- the deer feed at the roads edge- driving should be carried out respectfully through the Forest!

So today has been a day of repentance and restoration-I have made fresh steps on my Journey towards wholeness, and I am seeking to be a sign post to others

... by His grace ... I am what I am... and He will lead me on...

... by His grace ... I am what I am... and He will lead me on...

Theory and relationship...

I have spent the last 4+ years studying theology from various different angles, the last 21/2 years preaching and leading worship, teaching and lecturing...

My faith has been tested and stretched, I have at times been tired as I have coped with difficult family circumstances...

But this I know now more than ever, no amount of theory/ theology can replace the wonder of my relationship with God- yet it was this that I had neglected more than anything else, like an old married couple giving lip service to marriage when neither talked to the other any more. But God had not stopped speaking, nor had he left me alone, he simply waited patiently for me to return to the relationship that my whole faith and life and purpose stems and grows from.

God is relational, and the love that he has for me is beyond my comprehension, it is higher and wider and deeper than anything I could understand...it is this love that initiated the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross, whose mystery I cannot grasp... I cannot understand the mysterious power and strength of that love revealed in the Holy Spirit as Jesus was raised from death to life, and now that same love and power is brought to life in me as I yield my life to the relationship, open and free with this awesome God... But this I know- Christs love compels me to share the wonder of it all, even when words fail me...

I took myself out for a walk again this evening- simply to spend time in Gods presence- I find I pray best in solitude and away from the computer and telephone... as I talked to him about the day the burdens and frustrations of it I felt a burden lifting and found my heart was filled with songs, some I had long forgotten, and then my tongue was released in tongues- a gift of prayer I have played down and resisted too frequently (being non-charismatic!).

I will share two sets of words with you one a long forgotten chorus, the other a poem from the weekend by R.S. Thomas:

O LORD, YOUR TENDERNESS,

Melting all my bitterness,

O Lord, I receive Your love.

O Lord, Your loveliness,

Changing all my ugliness,

O Lord, I receive Your love.

O Lord, I receive Your love,

O Lord, I receive Your love.

The Bright Field- R.S.Thomas

I have seen the sun break through

to illuminate a small field

for a while, and gone my way

and forgotten it. But that was the pearl

of great price, the one field that had

the treasure in it, I realise now

that I must give all i have to possess it. Life is not hurrying

on to a receding future, nor hankering after

an imagined past. It is the turning

aside like Moses to the miracle

of the lit bush, to a brightness

that seemed as transitory as your youth

once,but is the eternity that awaits you.

And now I am going to make a real start on an assignment!

Weekend

  I have been away for the weekend as a part of the Ministerial Training Course with ERMC- I have come home with a full heart and mind, that may take weeks to work through.

But I am grateful that when I did get home we were able to sit and eat together as a family- a rare treat these days and one I treasure- I thought I would find being an empty nester releasing- and in a sense I have lived my life upside down- (children first then career)- but I am not sure it is so easy to let go... I am sure there are lessons there.

Where to first?

Silence- we held community silence for just over 24 hours- it was a precious time- I relished the chance to be alone with God- to just be- and be myself because my lips were sealed..

Interestingly although I often design and put together walk around prayer experiences like the one in the courtyard- I could not participate in it, I looked in several times but each time walked away...

1. I needed to be alone with God- he knew that, and I benefited from time spent alone and listening- I have been spiritually dry for too long- I feel full now- but it is bitter sweet- I marvel at how this awesome God can love me- I wonder that he would use me- and I am awed that the Holy Spirit would sweep through me- and fill me again, for I have been so far away.

I have written reams in a note book- and saved as word documents- and will try to work through them as the weeks goes on...

I find participating in the Eucharist almost finishes me off- I feel spiritually lifted and crushed simultaneously- the elements that have been simply that have become charged with meaning and giftedness- and I find it hard not to simply sit and cry at the wonder of it all. Trouble is I'm not sure when I would stop...

Some hymns have the same effect- today though three things stand out

1. The power of saying the creed together- there was a real sense of unity and purpose- Gods church laying aside differences and uniting under one mission ( we come from various churchman-ships- High- low- carpet crawlers!!!)
2. Singing Wesley's O Thou who camest from above- especially verse 3

   Jesus, confirm my heart’s desire

   To work, and speak, and think for Thee;

   Still let me guard the holy fire,

   And still stir up Thy gift in me.

3. Glory to God- Peruvian Gloria- I found this incredibly moving, well led by Mike (Cantor) it was as if the whole community moved to Gods unforced rhythms of grace through it.

I am resolved to find space for silence- I need to allow God to speak.

I come away with challenges...

from Malcolm a question:

What do we believe God is like and how does this affect the way we pray?

From God and from Sheila- a challenge- I need to sing- crazy but true- I used to sing-and hymns at Primary School drew me towards the faith I now profess. The silence revealed my need to sing- to fill my voice with Gods praises. Loss of confidence (pinpointed by Esther)  means I find it hard to join a choir-at any level. My lifestyle when I sang with choirs was not good- and though music saved me in many ways, it is hard to return to. I watch my beautiful daughters using their talents creatively and to the glory of God, and am saddened that I did not. Sheila challenged me to work it through! Thanks friend!

I have re-discovered poetry- I love the works of R.S.Thomas and they kept on popping up throughout the weekend. Also I started to write again- when I'm feeling brave I will share some- I am no R.S Thomas...

Esther's challenge I have mentioned in regard to singing - it came as a part of a " testimony" within a speech- she acknowledged that as a mother- and through being a mother she had lost confidence in herself- couldn't have said it better- I need to find that confidence- and for me as an adult for the first time (that's what happens when you have a child at 19!).

From Helen a thought about Spiritual Direction as Midwifery- that really resonated deeply with me- blood, gore pain and all...

From Mike a thought about roles and masks-he's got me thinking but I hope he will unpack that a bit more.

On a joyful note the two ERMC bloggers have persuaded a few others to join us- looking forward to welcoming; Sarah, Sheila, Andrew and Geoff to the blogosphere...

Focus

Inspired by James altar, I have created a space on my cluttered desk as a prayer focus...not really an altar but a reflective spot..I was given the pictures at the weekend by a lovely lady who designs stained glass windows I only wish she had a web-site I could point you to.

The pictures represent the Crucifixion, Resurrection and the glorified Christ...

three candles representing the Trinity

A  holding cross

Beads showing my life journey, each bead represents a significant event and reminds me of how Jesus was with me even before I knew him

two stones one clear and one battered and grey...as I will be and as I am

two nails remind me of Jesus sacrifice and his prescence with me through the hard times

and a hand painted egg- reminding me of the promise of each new day...

 

Grace and Confidence

Tagged everything...why because the grace of God covers everything...I was challenged today to consider the grace of God and also to consider how to encourage others to rediscover that grace...or to discover it for the first time...

"Grace is something you can never get but only be given. There's no way to earn or deserve it or bring it about any more than you can deserve the taste of raspberries and cream, or earn good looks, or bring about your own birth.- Fredrich Bruchner- Wishful Thinking"

We cannot pin down or explain grace we can only recieve it.. .

Resurrection faith

I believe in the Resurrection of Christ as an invitation to live with holy zeal, not as an escape from death.

I believe in the Resurrection of Christ as an invitation to embrace the mystery of life, not as an escape from the need to wrestle with faith.

I believe in the Resurrection of Christ as an invitation to live the incarnational life-to allow God to live in and through us-not as a rejection of the earthly body.

I believe in the Resurrection of Christ as a symbol of God's perpetual creativity, as a proclamation of the mystery at the centre of our existence.

Most of all I believe in the Resurrection of Christ as the infusion of divine energy that always brings forth a new beginning.

Resurrection says that there are always new opportunities, always second chances.--Dave Tomlinson-Running Into God.

Amen!!!

My Spirituality

I have a vocational discernmaent day again tomorrow, it is based on my spirituality...

What works best for you in your private devotional life and in public worship?

In prayer I'm not sure any more, I used to love free and open prayer times but recently I've come to appreciate written prayers such as those from the Celtic tradition. Music especially Bach sets me worshipping at a place deeper than words can go...and bizarely films and TV can set me off connecting with God especially narrated stuff like the Shawshank Redemption and Desperate Housewives!!! Walking in the countryside or along the beach can also be a real point of worship and prayer...

What do you find difficult, when leading or participating in worship, and in your personal prayer life? Can you think why?

I have real difficulty with modern charasmatic worship, some lyrics e.g The wrath of God is satisfied from In Christ Alone leave me cold. I find discipline hard and need to work at creating regular prayer times. I think in the first instance this is hard froma purely personal point of view. One of the most helpful books I have read is Praying for your Personality...but I loaned it to someone I've forgotten who and its out of print now!!!

Have you ever had a mountain top experience, or an experience of darkenss, casn you describe what inspired or triggered it?

Yes to the mountain top and the dark time. The Mountain top experience was walking around the sea wall in Essex one day when the physical seemed to melt into the spiritual, it is an experience that has never left me and I am still unsure what to make of it... another time was when the twins were small and life seemed too much I was keenly aware almost tangibly of Jesus being in the room with me.

Wilderness rather than real black periods come and go, in these times I find it hard to pray or read the Bible, my devotional life goes to pot and I cling on to faith by my finger tips...that is where I am right now, yet at the same time I suspect that God is carrying me and all will be well again...

I guess this could be an meme

Any thoughts anyone?

Nurturing an attitude of thanksgiving

I have decided to take on something for Lent...a little different to giving things up I know but I realise how much I grumble and have decided that everyday I will focus on one thing at least to be thankful for.

Today I am focusing on my family, we often rush around one another, everyone busy with different things and being a chauffer to different activities can be trying...but today I am grateful for the many different gifts and talents my children have and how they bring us so much joy. I am grateful that inspite of my best efforts they have grown into wonderfuly balanced and lovely people.

I look at the mess and confusion they leave behind yhem in the morning, music and philosophy books, guitars out of cases and abandoned coffee mugs and will remember to thank God for the gift of their lives, and how he trusts them to our care.

Lord, help me not to moan about my children, help me to see them as you see them,I thank you for them, for their individuality, their different characters, thank you for the many ways we see you in them, their creativity, their sensitivity, the love they freely give and share.

I ask your blessing on each one of them today.

In Jesus name Amen.

The whole family a couple of years ago, mant changes since then, Paul and Kamilla are currently seperated, but we pray they will be able to work things through.

Jo doing what she loves best!

Her twin Jon doing the same!!!