Eternal Echoes

Dear Church, (a letter of longing, an invitation to dance ...)

Dear Church,

I love you, indeed I am a part of you and have chosen to follow a call to be so, but I have to admit that there are times when I walk or drive away from our meetings and I simply want to weep. I see that we do many good things, but I weep for so often we miss the best, by refusal, by blindness or by misunderstanding, don't we know that the message we hold is a glorious Spirit fired, message of grace and love? Let me explain a little by telling you a part of my story;

I came to join you as a mixed up teenager who wanted to know God, and for years (yes literally years) I tried to fit in, to do and say the right things, to understand your practices and rituals, all the time believing that if I could only get them right then God my receive even me! It took a real crisis in my life to draw from me a heartbroken prayer and a realisation that I could not be the person I was trying to be, I would always get it wrong, make mistakes and trip over my own feet. It was in my moment of giving up and giving in that I discovered something amazing and freeing, life-giving and affirming, the amazing truth was that God had been wanting to love me, help me and support me and equip me and even carry me when necessary all along. 

The scale of that revelation was mind blowing for me, and I can remember days when laughter and joy would simply bubble up inside me for the sheer wonder of it all, and I could not understand why you hadn't shared this secret with me! I looked for people who had had a similar revelation, and found some, some within my local fellowship, and some in other places, and I sought them out and drank form the life giving streams of the Spirit whenever I could.

But, and it is a big but, everywhere I went I discovered rules to be followed and again and again I would try to live within those rules, and again and again I would find myself thinking that I was not good enough for God and would have to try harder, and when I did, the joy left me and I would find myself struggling. As I talk with you I find that we are often in that same place, striving and struggling to get it right, wanting to know God, and it saddens me to know that again and again we lay burdens upon one an-others backs.

Now before anyone gets cross or hurt please know that I don't say that lightly, I say it because I see it all of the time and I don't doubt that I too have been guilty of it. The truth is we have a tendency to get strange ideas about God into our heads, only yesterday I heard someone say that "if we truly lived as Jesus wanted us to then we would be a strange buttoned up, straight laced group of people that would confuse and repell others....."

Where on earth did that idea come from? How could anyone who has read the Gospels believe that "if we truly lived as Jesus wanted us to then we would be a strange buttoned up, straight laced group of people that would confuse and repel others....."

When I hear things like this I want to weep with frustration and anguish and anger, yes anger that we have told ourselves such lies, that we have loaded one another with so many burdens of how to and what to that we stumble around under the weight of them, and in the midst of all this confusion and stumbling we wonder amongst ourselves why we are not attracting new members! Then we feel bad and so we plan and scheme and work and strive and frankly we wear ourselves out, we take on new initiatives and struggle to keep them afloat....

It saddens me that we are like this so often, and I wonder if you'd pause with me for a few moments to listen to the words of Jesus, spoken on a day of frustration in his ministry (go and read the Chapter, and the Chapter's around it and you'll see what I mean);

"^16-19How can I account for this generation? The people have been like spoiled children whining to their parents, 'We wanted to skip rope, and you were always too tired; we wanted to talk, but you were always too busy.' John came fasting and they called him crazy. I came feasting and they called me a lush, a friend of the riffraff. Opinion polls don't count for much, do they? The proof of the pudding is in the eating."

The Unforced Rhythms of Grace

 ²⁰Next Jesus let fly on the cities where he had worked the hardest but whose people had responded the least, shrugging their shoulders and going their own way.

 ^21-24"Doom to you, Chorazin! Doom, Bethsaida! If Tyre and Sidon had seen half of the powerful miracles you have seen, they would have been on their knees in a minute. At Judgment Day they'll get off easy compared to you. And Capernaum! With all your peacock strutting, you are going to end up in the abyss. If the people of Sodom had had your chances, the city would still be around. At Judgment Day they'll get off easy compared to you."

 ^25-26Abruptly Jesus broke into prayer: "Thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth. You've concealed your ways from sophisticates and know-it-alls, but spelled them out clearly to ordinary people. Yes, Father, that's the way you like to work."

 ²⁷Jesus resumed talking to the people, but now tenderly. "The Father has given me all these things to do and say. This is a unique Father-Son operation, coming out of Father and Son intimacies and knowledge. No one knows the Son the way the Father does, nor the Father the way the Son does. But I'm not keeping it to myself; I'm ready to go over it line by line with anyone willing to listen.

 ^28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

 Jesus wants us to live and move within his unforced rhythms of grace, yes there are boundaries and yes there are rights and wrongs, but by the  Holy Spirit he will lead us gently into them, he longs take our hands and dance with joy for us...

He longs for us to know the life giving freedom and order of Pentecost, and yes I truly did say order, for just as the Spirit brooded over the chaotic waters at the beginning of creation so she broods and breathes over the chaos that is her church today longing to bring us to a new birth. That is a powerful picture, for it is not brooding in the sense of being filled with morbid thoughts but rather the sense of the Spirit as a mother hen incubating her eggs or her new chicks, warming, nurturing and protecting them until they are able to run freely...

The Spirit longs to birth her new life in amongst and through us, bringing order out of our chaos, the chaos of our misunderstandings and our stumblings, just as she did on the day of Pentecost when the disciples were filled with the power and love of God and when the message of Jesus, his birth, death and resurrection suddenly took on form and meaning transforming their timidity and placing in Peter ; you remember Peter, the stumbling, lying, denying, terrified one; well yes placing in him the a firey eloquence that drew a crowd....

 So here is what I am trying to say through all of this, when I drove away weeping from a service on Sunday I saw you (us) as the crippled woman we find in today's lectionary reading;

"She had been afflicted with this for eighteen years. When Jesus saw her, he called her over. "Woman, you're free!" He laid hands on her and suddenly she was standing straight and tall, giving glory to God."

Jesus longs to lay his healing hand upon us, to set us free from our self imposed constraints and rules, he longs to give us the fresh gift of his Spirit to enable and comfort, to teach, equip and lead us, to set us free to stand tall, and to live in the light and glory and freedom of the God who does not berate us for our sins, but removes them from us as far as the east is from the west, freeing us to dance with him, to become all that he has called us to be. If we dare to do that "casting off all that hinders us" and daring to run free with him, entering into the glorious circle of love and allow ourselves to be embraced by the God (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) who only wants the best for us, and has chosen to make himself known through us, if we dare to do that then our strivings will cease and we will learn to live freely, lightly, joyfully abandoned to his purposes day be day transformed more and more into his likeness overflowing with the generous generosity of God.

Quite simply dear Church, he wants to bless us that we might be a blessing to others....

Will you join me, as I join him in the dance? It is from that dance that we are set free to sing his harmonies of truth and justice, grace and peace, from there that we can invite others to join us to work for wholeness and healing as in and though him we learn the fullness of our calling and our being....

All pictures by Tim

awakening....

As I walked through Durham today my attention was not caught by the bridges or the Cathedral towering over the city, but by the new leaves unfurling on the trees, and the freshly washed verges, where spring flowers and shoots were beginning to show. For once I stopped and breathed for long enough to catch a glimpse of the presence of God coursing through creation, bringing fresh life to the earth. I was struck by the fact that every spring trees receive a new cloak of leaves, and though they might be similar to last years cloaks, they will not be the same...

A fore taste of the new earth to come: 

 ¹ I saw a new heaven and a new earth. The first heaven and the first earth were completely gone. There was no longer any sea.

 ² I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem. It was coming down out of heaven from God. It was prepared like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.

 ³ I heard a loud voice from the throne. It said, "Now God makes his home with people. He will live with them. They will be his people. And God himself will be with them and be their God. ⁴ He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or sadness. There will be no more crying or pain. Things are no longer the way they used to be."

 ⁵ He who was sitting on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" 

(Revelation 21)

 

Picture: Best Spring Trees by Julie Haskell

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the year turns on

to spring,

and as the sap rises

the potential

of a new season

begins to unfurl

in paper thin leaves,

and blossoms pregnant

with promise,

life burgeons

everywhere,

called

to new birth

by a powerful

internal

awakening...

here Ruach's breath

is stirring

through creation

wooing her with warmth

and washing

her clean with

gentle rains...

if we are attentive,

she might refresh us too...

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to expect the unexpected...

What do we expect I wonder, when we tell the Christmas story year after year? Do we expect it to change us? To change others? Or do we simply wish to bask in some cosy nostalgic glow, where truth mixes with myth and tradition to create a nice, sweet and yet truly unbelievable story easily dressed in tinsel for a while, then put away until next year....

How do we deal with tales of majestic angels and vivid dreams, of ancient prophecies unfolding in unexpected ways? Let's begin with the angels, appearing to Zechariah, to Mary, to Joseph, and to the shepherds; can we really read of these appearances with an easy comfort? Don't we wonder where these angels are today? Do we encounter and experience them or are we numb to their touch and blind to their appearing...

Then there are the dreams, Joseph and the Magi dream, they dream and they heed the messages of their dreams; do we really treat dreams with such seriousness today, do we ponder their messages and meanings? 

There is so much mystery in the Christmas story, deep mystery that deserves more than a short retelling, mystery and wonder that if we dare to open our hearts to their message we might just find ourselves caught up in the remarkable (seemingly) upside down wisdom of God who chose to reveal himself in poverty and vulnerability, all of those riches, all of that power wrapped in an infants flesh, waiting to encounter and be encountered.

How easy it is to move on from these wonders, to fail to ponder the otherness of what is being shown to us...

...and I wonder what might happen, if we dared this year to allow the story to sink in just a little deeper....

Messy Church .... no not that one...

I have been reflecting on our Christmas Services, and if I have to use one word to describe them the word I would use is messy. Of course we didn't set out to be messy, but that is how they largely turned out. Lets start with the Carol Services on the 18th, these are usually among the highlight of my year, but for some reason this year the message weighed heavy on me, add that to a change of format for  and the fact that one of the Chapel is undergoing a refurbishment, while the other had a change of format for health and safety reasons (no more hanging candles over peoples heads), and the general feel was well, messy!

On to Christmas Eve, well I'm not sure what was going on, the lossof a very dear member half way through the week had obviously played its part, but the service itself was anything but smooth, it is quite possible that our visitors thought we were mad, but in reality they seemed to relax in our muddle!, the Christmas day dawned and it became apparent that the main service in one village had been advertised at two different times! Other than that things went along pretty well but it did take a while to draw everyone in! The last service was a typical family Christmas morning, parents who'd been up for a while and children fractious to get back to their presents. Some folk enjoying family, others joining together so they weren't lonely, oh yes, and the organist was late- she'd been visiting friends...

So much for smooth well run events...

So much for timing...

And yet in the carols and the prayers, in the scripture, the preaching and the breaking of bread God was with us, Immanuel....

And as I ponder the story afresh I remember that he was not delivered in a sanitised hospital, nor was he laid in an immaculate and well planned nursery. He came right into the mess, the muddle, the difficulty and the heartache of this world, the vulnerable for the vulnerable, the weak for the weak, and yet somehow in the mystery of God al heaven rejoiced for he was the one who came anointed to preach good news to the poor, to bring sight to the blind, to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and to set the prisoners free...

And even in our mess he comes!

stumbling blocks....

Reading the Word in Time on the Methodist Church web-site this morning has got me thinking. The disciples were concerned with who will be the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Jesus brings a small child amongst them and points to her humility. Today's writer Ric Stott brings another perspective:

Now, either children were very different in first century Palestine or Jesus doesn't know much about children. They are so often consumed with who is the fastest, or prettiest, or who's got the biggest slice of cake or the best toy. "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" sounds like a pretty childish question.

I pondered that for a while and I have to concede that he is right, children today (certainly in the west) are often consumed by these unnecessary questions, what they look like and what they have are seen as all important- and they become marks of status. Why are children like this? Well quite simply because children are doing what children do, they are emulating the adults in their lives!

Although we don't like to admit it we live in a culture that is consumed by image; just think back if you can to Susan Boyle's first appearance on X-Factor. Can you remember the judges faces and the audience reaction before she opened her moth to sing? Of course she has gone on to become a successful recording artist, and has undergone the "required" make-over, and the fact that, that makes us all more comfortable with her is an indication of the shallowness of our culture and an indication of our willingness to paper over the cracks of our brokenness with surface remedies! 

These surface remedies become stumbling blocks to reality- we are no longer in touch with the true value of our humanity- we fail to declare that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, we forget that we are loved for who we are and we contunually try to make ourselves something other, and loose touch with our true value in the process. We are so surrounded by the stumbling blocks of our culture that we fail to notice that we are falling!

Church is not immune to these stumbling blocks, and the more middle class we become the further we find ourselves from Jesus teaching. If children were different in first century Palestine then what were the stumbling blocks Jesus was referring to? Could they have been the demands of religion, the rules and regulations of life that prevented people from living in freedom? Here I think we find a double problem in the church of today- for while we are very often slaves to our culture we also rebel against it, we create our own rules and sets of criticism and end up not knowing which way to turn. We become victims of our own double standards. 

All of this is a long way from Jesus call to live freely and lightly:

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." (Matthew 11:28-30)

How then do we escape the stumbling blocks and recover our lives? Ric Stott suggests:

"Perhaps there is another childlike quality that Jesus is alluding to – that ability to live fully in the present, experiencing life deeply without concern with what happened yesterday or worrying about what will happen tomorrow. A child can run joyfully with total abandon across a beach, delighting in the splashing of the waves and falling exhausted, giggling into the sand in a way that most adults are far to uptight and concerned about self-image to emulate."

Living freely is not as easy as it sounds for to live free we need to break free from the demands of  our culture and religious notions, we need to discover the God colours and flavours in our lives so that we can respond to Jesus challenge: 

"Let me tell you why you're here; You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage.

"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. (Matthew 5: 13-16)

Maybe in this we will begin to be those who:

 "Prepare for God's arrival! Make the road straight and smooth,  a highway fit for our God. Fill in the valleys, level off the hills,smooth out the ruts, clear out the rocks.Then God's bright glory will shine and everyone will see it.  Yes. Just as God has said." (Isaiah 40: 3-5)

Called to be salt and Light (Sermon blogging) Matthew 5: 13-16, Romans 12: 1-2

I’ve just returned from my holiday, and being super efficient I had planned my service before I left, the hymns and the scriptures were carefully chosen. I even had a the beginnings of a message forming but speaking about riots and rioters was far from my mind, a lot can change in two weeks.

What then shall I say? So much has already been said, news reporters, newspaper analysts, through the T.V., the radio, the papers, everyone has been asked their opinion, from comedians and magicians (The Guardian carried articles from Paul Daniels and Russell Brand) to politicians and community leaders.

Some blame the politicians, some blame the system, some blame the breakdown of society, and some blame the rioters calling them wild animals. Some blame greed and lack of community, some blame one another…

One thing becomes abundantly clear as you read reports and listen to the news; everybody is looking for somebody else to blame and very few want to take responsibility! But I suspect that deep down we know that the awkward truth is that we are all responsible at some level!

Yes I really did say that and I’ll repeat it just in case you think you misheard me: “we are all responsible at some level.” Now I know that most of us did not take to the streets, that we did not loot and pillage or set buildings alight, we didn’t and we wouldn’t…

…and yet we are responsible…

We are responsible for the generations who have grown up in this country without hope:

Though the newspapers are right in pointing out that single parent families, illiterate and impoverished youths were among the main perpetrators they were by no means alone, and the Daily Telegraph rightly states:

“Something has gone horribly wrong in Britain. If we are ever to confront the problems which have been exposed in the past week, it is essential to bear in mind that they do not only exist in inner-city housing estates.

The culture of greed and impunity we are witnessing on our TV screens stretches right up into corporate boardrooms and the Cabinet. It embraces the police and large parts of our media. It is not just its damaged youth, but Britain itself that needs a moral reformation.”

Britain itself needs a moral reformation! I’d go further; Britain does not just need reformation it needs deep transformation, for that we need to get away from selfishness that pervades every pore of our society and that I believe includes the church.

Listen to Jesus words again:

"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavours of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness?

Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colours in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

Jesus was not speaking into a vacuum; he was speaking to his followers. His followers who loved among people who were suffering under political oppression, among people in an occupied land who were being heavily taxed people who were in some cases tired and worn down. People who needed hope….

Jesus was speaking to his followers and calling them to be those who brought hope, hope and flavour and colour to a world that needed salty light bearers!

Jesus is speaking to us too, calling us to be that salt seasoning, to bring light into the dark places; calling us to be aware of the needs of our communities.

We are going public with this message of hope says Jesus, as public as a city on a hill! I’m putting you on a light stand he says! I want you to shine…

This is a huge challenge to us, and it requires a big decision from us. It requires us to examine ourselves individually and corporately it requires us to understand and accept our part in the problem that faces us. It requires repentance from us, and a renewed, restored and even transformed desire to become bearers of hope…

It requires us to lay aside our wants and comforts in order to engage with the needs of others…

But before this all begins to sound like hard work and a call to a miserable way of being lets not forget that Jesus promises us his Spirit, promises us that to walk with him is to walk freely and lightly, to move in his unforced rhythms of grace! It also means that we don’t have to generate the love and compassion from within ourselves because they spring from the heart of the God who loved us first, and from whom all of the fruits of the Spirit flow…

Choosing to become a part of the solution requires action from us, listen to the words of Romans again:

^1-2 So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

 

God will bring out the best in us! God wants to bring out the best in us; God blesses us and calls us to become a blessing, a blessing to those who need his touch of love, his colours and his flavours running through their lives. He calls us beyond our comfort zones to touch the unlovely and unloved, to speak out against injustice at all levels, to be different and to make a difference!

And yes it will be risky and costly, but we are followers of the God who gave all for us, leaving the glory of heaven for us, who went to the cross for us, and then conquering sin and death he was raised to newness of life by the mighty resurrection power of the Holy Spirit working in and through him. It is that restoring, renewing and transforming power that he calls us to move into again, to receive from him, to live and move and have our being in him…

He was not concerned with our religion or tradition; he is not so much interested in how we sing our hymns or say our prayers as he is with our attitudes and actions towards the folk he has placed us amongst. His words to us are the same as they were to his early followers:

 "Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavours of this earth. You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colours in the world.”

And he asks the same question of us:

Will you follow me?

 

(Picture: Welcome by Tim)

 

 

 

Thinking about my spiritual journey ( a condensed version...)

This afternoon I spent some time with my District Chair Stephen Burgess, we were discussing my Testimony Service for Synod on the 7th May. As I prepare for this I find that I am looking back and considering the road that my faith has taken, and how I began to discern a call to ordained ministry.

Regular readers of this blog will not be surprised to be pointed to Christopher's story as a very real turning point for me, it was a turning point of trust and faith, the discovery of a God who loved me in-spite of myself, but my conscious journey of faith began before that, growing from my delight in a Primary School Hymn Book, to my desire not only to own a Bible  but to read it from cover to cover...

That said I had no idea what Christianity was all about, although I knew some of the "Jesus " stories to allow them to challenge or change was not even a thought on the far horizon.

My church experience began in Nottinghamshire at the age of 12, where I attended a local Pathfinders group, a move to Essex and a break from church for a few years until I became involved in helping at a local Cub Scout Pack and began to attend Parade Services, this led to a weekly attendance at a local village church, and a real desire to belong was kindled within me.

As a young (unmarried to start with) mother, I continued to attend church, and my first three children were all baptised. Tim was happy for this, and we began to attend special services as a family. All of my church experience so far was Anglican, although that had not crossed my mind at the time.

A move to a small costal village in Essex co-incided with Christopher's diagnosis, and the church family in the village, Anglican, Catholic and Congregational, stepped in to help out. This practical out-pouring of support had a very real effect upon me. As a family we began to attend the local Congregational Church, joined Bible Study Groups, and learnt to pray! 

A call to evangelism soon followed, and it was then that I encountered one of the great obstacles to being a woman and being called to ministry. It was OK in many folks eyes for me to be involved on a local level providing that I did not want to preach, or perish the thought get involved in mission activities that meant leaving our children in Tim's care for a week. I was told at one point that I was stealing my husbands ministry...

Even the mission group who welcomed me to join their teams, and even to take a leadership role had a this far no further policy, although many people in the organisation recognised my leadership gifts I could not be a team leader, it was against policy; and they could back it up with reasonable sounding theology- theology I now profoundly disagree with!

Next came a move to Texas, and an encounter with the Bible Belt... we attended a Baptist Church, way too big and too polished, and the womens ministry groups made my toes curl- sexism reigned! My task in life I was told was to support my husband and to look good... ( yes really), we left that church. Then came a free church, another large congregation where although participation was encouraged I met a similar problem, so many things were off limits to women. The poem below was written about my utter frustration at the confining attitudes I met within this particular congregation, and yes I really did hurl my Bible across the car-park!

Still in Texas and we joined an Episcopal Church, here the Pastor was an inspiration, he was a man of prayer and vision and in the short time we were members there I learnt so much about integrity and ministry.

Back to England and a move to Colchester, and back to an Anglican Church, again it was big, and although we became involved it was never a spiritual home. Soon we moved back to the village on the coast and re-joined the Congregational Church, we had changed a lot, but in many ways we were home, and it was from here that Tim and I were encouraged to take up a course of study in Evangelism and Mission, at the same time Tim had been made redundant twice within 3 years and with no work opening up for him in electronics we needed to look to something new. The course of study led me in an entirely different direction and into some very strange encounters...

A move to Methodist Circuit in , Norfolk, and the beginnings of a love hate love affair with Methodism. We were employed as Community Out-reach Workers,  it was wonderful, and it drove me crazy. The big choice came at Spring Harvest one year, we had taken a number of teenagers with us and had been working for the church for 3 years at this point. The choice was stark, candidate for ordained ministry or leave.... commit or walk away. This was not an ultimatum issued by the church, but a personal struggle.

I offered for Foundation Training and to my astonishment I was accepted, two years with ERMC training part time followed. I was challenged and stretched and grew. Back to the interview pannels, and Circuit, District and Connexion all said yes unanimously, two more years with ERMC and the chance to study for an M.A. which I thoroughly enjoyed...

Interestingly training with an eccumenical course really helped me to discover why Methodism was the place I now called home, both theologically with its' Arminian roots and its emphasis on prevenient grace, practically with its strong call to social justice and community and global involement and responsibility, and dare I say administratively with its emphasis on every member ministry and discipleship, Methodism made sense to me- and yes it still drives me crazy!

Through Methodism's emphasis on grace I was able to really grasp that the God who called me did not call me to be perfect before I could serve him, rather s/he called me to begin a work in and through me, to be open to transformation within as the Holy Spirit guided and equipped me, to be open to that guidance with the "pruning" and training that it might bring.

I was Stationed in the Snaith,  and Selby Circuit in September 2009, and all being well I will be Ordained on the 3rd July this year in Liverpool...

On a personal note my journey has been challenging, I grew up under the sound of the call to worship from a local Mosque in Malaysia rather than Englis Church Bells, though they did come later when my parents returend home to England with us and we lived for a while opposite the Parish Church in Deeping St James ( I have never been inside it!)...

I lived on a pig farm in Essex struggling to come to terms with my parents divorce, muddling love and sex in search for belonging I found that even here God was with me, as I married the father of my first child, he is the father of all the others also, and we have been married for almost 30 years now. In many ways we grew up with our children, having responsibility for them made us responsible and taught us to pray. Tim is currently training at Durham St John and is a Student Deacon in the Methodist Diaconal Order...

The poem below marked a turning point for me, a day when I threw my frustrations at a narrow confining theology across a church car park, and never looked back...

 

 

This Bible is worn and battered;

Like my faith is torn in places,

And like may faith it has been well used.

 

Every page has been read in this Bible,

Each word scanned and poured over

It was my companion through hard times.

 

But that did not stop me hurling the damn thing

Clean across the car park

In an outpouring of frustration!

 

My faith went with it that day

And everything changed;

For I no longer held to brittle man made rules

 

Rules that told me how to pray

How to give,

And how to behave.

 

Rules that gave rules to God

Telling him how to respond to his childrens cries

 

These words have taught me well that there is another way

A true way for those who have ears to hear

And eyes to see…

 

For God will not be bound by our rules

Nor will he always smooth the path before us

 

But he will walk it with us

And does,

Whether we choose to take his hand

Or refuse it and stride on alone!

 

My journey of faith will continue to be a pilgrimage, I have no doubt about that! And I still have that Bible...

 

Resurrection, recovery, and transformation... ( thoughts on time, and life )

Several thoughts coming together here, and all centred on resurrection and recovery...

On Easter Sunday I preached on the transformational possibilities released through the resurrection, how the risen and transformed Christ reveals to us the possibility of resurrection and transformation in our own lives. I used the (often used) illustration of a butterfly, noting that it begins life as a caterpillar and has to go through the transformation process by entering into the chrysalis where everything is in flux. In fact everything becomes a messy goop, and it is out of the mess that the new creature emerges. That emergence comes with a struggle, and the butterfly gains its strength through the struggle to emerge, to "help" a butterfly to break free from it's chrysalis tomb by opening it so that struggle is not needed will result in a weak and deficient creature that will never reach its full potential and soar!

Continuing to think along these lines I begin to wonder if we often rush the mystery of Easter and all too readily plunge back into the ordinary life. How easily we move in just three days from O Sacred Head Sore Wounded to Thine be the Glory, and yet a careful reading of the gospels reveals to us the doubts and fears that the disciples experienced in the days following the resurrection. Many times Jesus was not recognised, and his appearance though it certainly evoked joy, sometimes brought about terror and questions. 

Luke 24 tells us:

"just as they were telling about it, Jesus himself was suddenly standing there among them. “Peace be with you,” he said.  But the whole group was startled and frightened, thinking they were seeing a ghost!"

Matthew 28:

"When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted."

John 20:

"At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus."

These and other descriptions of those first encounters reveal fear, doubt, and questions, writing today Maggi Dawn says:

"Whatever the resurrection meant, exactly, it didn’t mean that everything was back to normal. It meant that hope had not died with him; it meant that all their categories of thought had to be adjusted around this new situation. But in practical terms? perhaps it meant that something very new and amazing was breaking out, but perhaps it meant that they were to go home and resume normal life.

What to do? and how to live? It wasn’t clear at all. One gospeller tells us that some of them went back to Galilee and their fishing business. Another says they waited in Jerusalem. Hanging about, or plodding through life’s daily events, the resurrection had certainly not changed their lives in an instant, like winning the lottery or something."

Their lives were not changed in an instant, the events of Jesus life now needed re-framing in an entirely new way, death had been defeated, something new had begun, and in some ways the church in all its diversity is still grappling with what all of this means. 

We live in such an instant world that all too often we miss the depths of mystery that the Easter Gospels reveal to us, we don't dwell with the disciples in their fears and doubts, we want to move on to rush to proclaim the good news before we have grasped what the good news is...

And the truth is that the disciples had to wait with and dwell in this messy place of flux until Pentecost...

...and dare I say beyond Pentecost...

I wonder if an appropriate picture for the church should be of the chrysalis. Could it be that in daring to choose to be in Christ that we enter the tomb ( the chrysalis) with him and this is where we still are in many real senses, we are not yet what we will be, but all of the ingredients, all of the potential is there. And yet because he is raised we are raised and are actively called to be his body on earth, to reveal and live his resurrection to the world...

No wonder we get confused! 

So where did the thoughts on depression come from and why are they in this blog post title..?

A while ago I blogged on Mike Yardy and depression, and was encouraged by not only his openness and honesty regarding his illness, but also by Hugh Morris, the English team coach who was reported as saying:

 "Yardy would be given the full support of everyone connected with the national team....... our priority now is to ensure that he returns home to his family and is able to spend time recovering with a strong support network around him"

Today Sussex head Coach Mark Robinson has been reported as saying:

"But it is just like anybody being injured. You have to give them time to heal properly and what you don’t want to do is rush them back so that they have a recurrence of the injury. It’s the same for Yards."

Time to heal, time to heal from depression, time to heal from shock and grief....

Time...

For Yardy, the time to heal is crucial, and so it was for the disciples, and dare I say so it is for the church today. We have just plunged ourselves headlong into an intense week, re-living the events of The Passion and Easter, if we have done so lightly then we may just skim along, but if we have been touched by the mystery, challenged afresh by the possibilities, awed by the depth of love, and wonder of resurrection power, then maybe just maybe we need time...

Time to take it in, time to heal, time to ponder and wonder, to dwell with our doubts and fears, to re-emerge stronger and closer to God somehow...

Depression, no-one is exempt... (applauding Mike Yardy)

The BBC reports:

"England all-rounder Michael Yardy has flown home from the World Cup because he is suffering from depression.

"Leaving at this stage of the World Cup campaign was a very difficult decision to make," the 30-year-old said.

"But I felt it was the only sensible option for me and I wanted to be honest about the reason behind that decision."

I admire Mike Yardy's  bravery in saying why he is returning home, it would have been easy to invent an alternative condition or an injury for the press, to keep his depression a secret, but he has spoken up and been honest about what is a very real and debilitating illness. I have no doubt that there will be folks who ask how he can be depressed, he's fit he's healthy (?), he's hardly poor, the list could go on and on! But depression is no respecter of position, of fitness, of financial security it happens when the mind and emotions become overloaded causing an imbalance of chemicals in the brain! Sufferers need treatment as they would for any other medical condition, and time out to rest! Yardy is not shirking or skiving, he is doing the right thing, and as I've said he has bravely spoken up about depression!

I too suffer from depression from time to time and I find that talking about it really helps, it helps but it breaks the conspiracy of silence, the great taboo that surrounds depression and says we must not talk about it. In some Christian circles it is seen not only as a weakness but as a sign of sin, and we must confess and confess until we are free of the thing that is holding us down and making us depressed. I am amazed at the number of people I have spoken to and ministered to who have been subjected to that type of rubbish and it makes me really angry. It is usually accompanied by some form of deliverance ministry and the depressed person ends up in a worse state than ever! Don't get me wrong I believe there is spiritual evil in the world, and I don't discount the possibility of oppression or even possession, but I think this is very rare, and a case for the experts, AND I do not believe that most depression comes anywhere close to that category, it is a medical condition that needs medical treatment and rest.

I've blogged on this before, and as folk who have read my blog for a while will know I blogged my way through a bout of depression in 2006/7, my first post on this subject recieved a huge numer of comments. I said:

"I'm feeling really vulnerable right now, having woken this morning with the knowledge that the depression I have been battling with over the last few months is simply not going to go away, in fact the more I've tried to push it away, or call it something else, the worse it has become!

So today with my usual impeccable timing (only I could pick a few days before Christmas to acknowledge a problem!) I called the Dr's surgery and made an emergency appointment.... now I know that one particular friend will probably want to throw a bucket of at me ... but will also understand!

Living with constant and serious amounts of stress has caused the chemicals in my brain to become unbalanced, feelings of despair greet every morning, I have until the last week been able to drag myself into the day to function relatively normally at a surface level...

...although I should have begun to twig that something was wrong when I could read and then forget the contents of an entire chapter... when assignments have meandered all over the place ( not a usual trait of academic writing from me even though blogging can be weird!)

....when I had no desire or passion to preach or pray or lead worship.... no enthusiasm for talking to people, or schools work...when spending time with my family has become more of a burden than a pleasure (along with all the accompanying guilt) ...

... and I begin to wonder how I have reached a place where nothing excites or inspires me...

It is funny how it is easier to accept failure that depression, easier to say I'm stupid than I simply can't cope...

... and for me Christmas preparations were the last straw, I love lights, and enjoy decorating, and cooking and choosing presents for friends and family... well I did, but this year it has all been too much, so much so that as December has crept onwards I have felt worse and worse...

....yesterday one request followed another and I enough was enough,there is only so much an already overloaded brain can take...

... on the bright side the only way from here is up, it will take a couple of weeks for the medication to take effect, but just acknowledging depression as an actual condition, and knowing ( although I did know) that I am not responsible for this emotional roller-coaster, helps!

.. why is it hard for Christan's to admit they suffer from depression? Why do we try hard to portray near perfect lives...feeling as if somehow we have let God down, or that we might be asked questions we cannot answer....I once heard a sermon which took the acronym for S.A.D.- Seasonal Affective Disorder saying that with Jesus we cannot be Sad! Nonsense... sheer nonsense!"

One of the responses was:

"Sally I applaud you for making the appointment and for talking about it so honestly here.

Depression IS hard to admit to - especially to oursleves, let alone others. I think clergy buy into the lie that we have to be perfect and that Jesus is enough! We advise others that professional help and medication are needed but resist it ourselves. Stupid! And wrong!"

Thankfully the England Managing Director Hugh Morris does not see Yardy's condition as anything less than it is, the BBC reports him as saying:

" Yardy would be given the full support of everyone connected with the national team.

He added: "Michael has been an integral part of the England set up in recent years and while he will be missed in the knock out stages of the World Cup, our priority now is to ensure that he returns home to his family and is able to spend time recovering with a strong support network around him"

So I want to say to Mike Yardy: Mike I applaud your honesty- and pray for your recovery- thank you for speaking up and not hiding a very real condition. As for the rest og the England Cricket team, come on lads, pull your socks up :-)

On integrity and grace...

Well I have to admit that the whole Twitter explosion regarding Rob Bell passed me by, and in many ways I am grateful. It has also made me think again about using this media and the way that it is easy to become drawn into making hasty statements without any real knowledge of the basis for the original remarks...

I am concerned and saddened by the way that Christians have behaved towards Rob Bell and one another in this starting with John Piper's flippant "farewell" tweet to the raft of other condemnatory comments. Add to this the fact that the whole things was conducted on a public forum in a public way which goes clearly against Biblical counsel on disagreements.

Scott McKnight's words of wisdom should not have been needed, but we would do well to heed them, responding to a question from Christianity today he said:

" I want to wait to see what Rob Bell says, read it for myself, and see what I think of it. Rob is tapping into what I think is the biggest issue facing evangelicalism today, and this fury shows that it just might be that big of an issue.

The publicity approach of HarperOne worked perfectly. They got huge publicity for a book. They intended to provoke -- and they did it well. I think it is wiser to wait to see the real thing than to rely on publicity's provocations. Justin bit, and so did many of his readers.

Frankly, John Piper's flippant dismissal of Rob Bell is unworthy of someone of Piper's stature. The way to disagree with someone of Rob Bell's influence is not a tweet of dismissal but a private letter or a phone call. Flippancy should have no part in judging a Christian leader's theology, character or status."

Wait, read,  become informed, then consider, and act with grace and integrity!

What a shame that the twitterer's were not able to do this, and in fact still aren't because the whole explosion continues, some are "praying" for Rob Bell, whilst others continue to defend him and are slinging mud at John Piper. Add to that the fact that Piper himself was linking to a blog post by Justin Taylor, and that Taylor freely admits that he has NOT read all of Bell's new book but is responding to a part of it and to the promotional video and the whole thing becomes frankly absurd.

Like Scott McKnight I will not comment on Bell's book until I have read it, and given the initial controversy I will probably read it twice and prayerfully consider it before commenting. I will say that I have enjoyed Bell's work so far, and the video that has caused such divisions is attractive and compelling but does not offer any answers- it raises questions- and that I suspect was the publishers intention.

Here for those who have not seen it is the video...

 

 

Also twitterer's you might like to spare a thought for the web-designer from West Yorshire who is currently amused by his sudden fame, but the insults and messages of suppoer that keep coming his way via twitter may begin to wear thin. His twitter name is robbell, if you want the other Rob Bell, you'll find him at realrobbell!

robbell has said:

Dear Christians, I am not @realrobbell although I hear he does really great things. Please at least look before you 'quote' me as him

oh dear, my namesake is now a Trending Topic worldwide on Twitter, best get ready for fresh lunacy! What else is gonna go mad today?!?

@bethbeutler lol thanks Beth. Not as bad or as many as I expected when other Rob trended. I don't mind, I hear he's a thoroughly good bloke

@reverendjohnson do they? Why would an entire religion want to bash a simple Englishman like myself? I'm quite concerned...

@theonetruemyles who is this @johnpiper and why is he denouncing me? Did he not like a website I designed?

Dear Christians- please at least look!