Eternal Echoes

Depression, no-one is exempt... (applauding Mike Yardy)

The BBC reports:

"England all-rounder Michael Yardy has flown home from the World Cup because he is suffering from depression.

"Leaving at this stage of the World Cup campaign was a very difficult decision to make," the 30-year-old said.

"But I felt it was the only sensible option for me and I wanted to be honest about the reason behind that decision."

I admire Mike Yardy's  bravery in saying why he is returning home, it would have been easy to invent an alternative condition or an injury for the press, to keep his depression a secret, but he has spoken up and been honest about what is a very real and debilitating illness. I have no doubt that there will be folks who ask how he can be depressed, he's fit he's healthy (?), he's hardly poor, the list could go on and on! But depression is no respecter of position, of fitness, of financial security it happens when the mind and emotions become overloaded causing an imbalance of chemicals in the brain! Sufferers need treatment as they would for any other medical condition, and time out to rest! Yardy is not shirking or skiving, he is doing the right thing, and as I've said he has bravely spoken up about depression!

I too suffer from depression from time to time and I find that talking about it really helps, it helps but it breaks the conspiracy of silence, the great taboo that surrounds depression and says we must not talk about it. In some Christian circles it is seen not only as a weakness but as a sign of sin, and we must confess and confess until we are free of the thing that is holding us down and making us depressed. I am amazed at the number of people I have spoken to and ministered to who have been subjected to that type of rubbish and it makes me really angry. It is usually accompanied by some form of deliverance ministry and the depressed person ends up in a worse state than ever! Don't get me wrong I believe there is spiritual evil in the world, and I don't discount the possibility of oppression or even possession, but I think this is very rare, and a case for the experts, AND I do not believe that most depression comes anywhere close to that category, it is a medical condition that needs medical treatment and rest.

I've blogged on this before, and as folk who have read my blog for a while will know I blogged my way through a bout of depression in 2006/7, my first post on this subject recieved a huge numer of comments. I said:

"I'm feeling really vulnerable right now, having woken this morning with the knowledge that the depression I have been battling with over the last few months is simply not going to go away, in fact the more I've tried to push it away, or call it something else, the worse it has become!

So today with my usual impeccable timing (only I could pick a few days before Christmas to acknowledge a problem!) I called the Dr's surgery and made an emergency appointment.... now I know that one particular friend will probably want to throw a bucket of at me ... but will also understand!

Living with constant and serious amounts of stress has caused the chemicals in my brain to become unbalanced, feelings of despair greet every morning, I have until the last week been able to drag myself into the day to function relatively normally at a surface level...

...although I should have begun to twig that something was wrong when I could read and then forget the contents of an entire chapter... when assignments have meandered all over the place ( not a usual trait of academic writing from me even though blogging can be weird!)

....when I had no desire or passion to preach or pray or lead worship.... no enthusiasm for talking to people, or schools work...when spending time with my family has become more of a burden than a pleasure (along with all the accompanying guilt) ...

... and I begin to wonder how I have reached a place where nothing excites or inspires me...

It is funny how it is easier to accept failure that depression, easier to say I'm stupid than I simply can't cope...

... and for me Christmas preparations were the last straw, I love lights, and enjoy decorating, and cooking and choosing presents for friends and family... well I did, but this year it has all been too much, so much so that as December has crept onwards I have felt worse and worse...

....yesterday one request followed another and I enough was enough,there is only so much an already overloaded brain can take...

... on the bright side the only way from here is up, it will take a couple of weeks for the medication to take effect, but just acknowledging depression as an actual condition, and knowing ( although I did know) that I am not responsible for this emotional roller-coaster, helps!

.. why is it hard for Christan's to admit they suffer from depression? Why do we try hard to portray near perfect lives...feeling as if somehow we have let God down, or that we might be asked questions we cannot answer....I once heard a sermon which took the acronym for S.A.D.- Seasonal Affective Disorder saying that with Jesus we cannot be Sad! Nonsense... sheer nonsense!"

One of the responses was:

"Sally I applaud you for making the appointment and for talking about it so honestly here.

Depression IS hard to admit to - especially to oursleves, let alone others. I think clergy buy into the lie that we have to be perfect and that Jesus is enough! We advise others that professional help and medication are needed but resist it ourselves. Stupid! And wrong!"

Thankfully the England Managing Director Hugh Morris does not see Yardy's condition as anything less than it is, the BBC reports him as saying:

" Yardy would be given the full support of everyone connected with the national team.

He added: "Michael has been an integral part of the England set up in recent years and while he will be missed in the knock out stages of the World Cup, our priority now is to ensure that he returns home to his family and is able to spend time recovering with a strong support network around him"

So I want to say to Mike Yardy: Mike I applaud your honesty- and pray for your recovery- thank you for speaking up and not hiding a very real condition. As for the rest og the England Cricket team, come on lads, pull your socks up :-)

Towards healing....

Folk who have read my blog for a while now will know that I have had an ongoing battle with depression, this is not something I have tried to hide, and not something I am ashamed of, it is simply part of being me, and in part due to some fairly cr*p circumstances. You can read accounts here and here, and in other posts throughout late 2006 and early 2007. The previous few years had been tough and exhausting, and it took a very light straw to break the camel's back...

From that point on although I "recovered" I could not really say that I have experienced joy, in may ways life has been manageable but monochrome...

That is until recently. Recently I have sensed the clouds lifting, several things are indicators, the choice to really exercise again, and a desire to pray... I mean a real desire to pray, and an exercise routine that has been more than a flash in a pan! I have been swimming three times a week, trying to cover a mile each time, I have also been walking and cycling instead of driving whenever possible. I have even started sailing again! And I have enjoyed it.... (sailing... oh please....)

Tim and I have planted a vegetable garden and our diet has improved... there are lots of positive factors in life at the moment. But until recently joy has still eluded me..

Then it started to break through in unexpected moments... when I was listening to music, just driving through the countryside, through a conversation or encounter...so many little things...

One of the more unusual places has been through the funeral liturgy- the proclamation of life in the face of death is powerful, like bringing a candle into a dark place... a quote posted on facebook recently said this:

""A candle is a protest at midnight. It is non-conformist. It says to the darkness, 'I beg to differ.'" ~ Samuel Rayan

Another liturgical place of healing has been through the baptism liturgy- where the proclamation of grace is powerful in the words "All this for you"... for you Jesus came, lived, died and was raised to life again... "All this for you, before you could know anything of it..." 

Life was returning,it was as if the first rain drops were falling on dry ground...

But I hadn't expected a flood of joy, but that is what I got last night, Tim and I had gone to a Wassail Evening at one of the Chapels' where I am Minister... it was fun... but more it was a real celebration of life.Wistow Choir is special in so many ways, not least because of the people it embraces with joy, much of this is down to the Choir Director Alison! I can't even tell you which song was being sung when I experienced a sudden rush of joy flooding over me, all I know is that it did. 

Interestingly much of this has been tied up with my decision to offer for Methodist Ministry...

My preliminary interviews were held just as Chris came out of hospital, I was accepted for Foundation training, and it was part way through that that I collapsed in a heap... With the help and support of my tutor I worked through a lot of stuff and successfully candidated in 2007.

This all followed a real battle. Just before Chris was admitted to hospital we went to Spring Harvest as a family. I was struggling with my position as a Lay Worker at that point and the decision was as stark as candidate or leave... leaving meant walking away from God, offering for full time ministry meant walking towards him/her...

I chose to walk towards God... and that has been an ongoing decision. I pray that I will continue to walk in the right way. I don't expect life to be easy, but I choose life over death, and light over darkness... and yet I must acknowledge the struggle, it is not easy, but it is worth it!

Jesus said:

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." (Matthew 11: 28-30)

(Many thanks to my lovely husband Tim for introducing me to this music, and for supporting and encouraging me through the years)

This is where the healing begins....where light meets the dark- Tenth Avenue North

Climbing out of a pit..... ( a reflection on struggles with depression)

A strange realisation dawned upon  me this week, there was no sudden lightening bolt, no conscious decision, but I woke on Monday with a real desire to pray and to read the Scriptures. Not only that, but also a desire to take my life back into my hands and offer it to God once more, this includes aspects of diet and exercise which have been sadly lacking for ( if I am to be honest) the last few years.

Is it strange for someone in full-time Christian work, someone who has been a committed Christian for the last 25 years to wake with a desire to read and to pray?  Is it strange to want to make sure that you are both fit and healthy? Normally of course the answer to those questions would be no, but for me, and I suspect for many like me who have experienced or are experiencing clinical depression, this desire, is nothing short of a miracle.

Along with this desire comes a fragile hope, slim as a gossamer cord, that for a while this desire will remain, and the return to the pit of despair will be a long way off. I dare not say that it will never return, for that is not the nature of clinical depression.

For now though I rejoice in the sense that I am climbing out of a deep pit, a pit I plunged into in December 2007, a pit which had  been creeping up on me for months before that. The pit is not something you can fight with, but neither is it something to be passively accepted. When I found myself sitting at my desk with tears streaming down my face unable to go and take the service that I was planned to take I knew without doubt that I had arrived in the depths of the pit.

In the days and months following I took myself off to the Doctors, and accepted my need for medication, I was signed off work for almost two months ( and am aware that some folk need longer), and during this time I rested. Part of the reason for my descent into this particular pit was the fact that I had pushed myself very hard to keep going following Christopher's surgery in 2005. I had not properly dealt with the impact that it had, had upon me. It would be easy to say that I was too busy caring for him, and although there is some truth in that, I should have rested more than I did. I was hiding from the fall-out.

The last few years have been marked by a series of ups and downs, times of slim hope and times of real despair, but underlying all of this has been a dullness of heart and mind, rescued only by a grim desire to cling on to a God who at time seemed remote at best.

Where prayer was possible it was often best voiced in absolute reality, my friend Mike introduced me to Nicola Slee's book, Praying like a Woman. This prayer in particular has been hurled heavenwards by me on many an occasion;

Rage ricochets off the empty cloister walls,
anger erupts at the altar.
The silence palls.
My serene piety falters and crumbles.
My lips mouth the prayers
but my heart lurches and stumbles
on the edge of this gaping pit
into which my cries have fallen.

I will storm this silence
not with praise but with venom.
I will blast this emptiness
not with patience but with anger.
My mantra is not "mercy"
but a cacophony of curses
hurled headlong at your distance,
spat in the face of your absence.

Show yourself!
Answer me!

I am sick of your silence,
I have had my fill of you hiddenness,
I am faint with the worry of waiting
on your word which never comes.
Have you not seen my pain?
Have you not heard
the anguish of my heart?
How can you stand far off
and watch me writhing and straining for you
with my bleary, tear-filled eyes,
crying for you with my dry and weary throat?

Why do you gloat from afar?
Will you not come?
Will you not show yourself?
Answer me!

Some folk would argue that it is not right to pray like this, I say, go read the Psalms, there is plenty of reality and anguish there. Some would say that God always hears us and answers us, and never turns away from us, look at Abraham on Mount Moriah, look again at Jesus in Gethsemane, and on the cross....

Sometimes it seems we are tested beyond our limits, and the only thing we can do is hold on ... Why have you forsaken me ?Answer me! These are valid cries from the pit of despair...

Today my prayers are less anguished, but no less real, I am more aware of my own frailties, and more sure of the love and constancy of God. I am less sure that I have my faith all sewn up neatly, I have more questions and am ready to admit that I do not know and cannot know the fullness of the depths and mysteries of God.

My descent into the pit of despair seemed sudden, though I suspect that  I had ignored the gradual climb down that I was embarking upon. The ascent has been and is slower, and has contained dips and troughs along the way.

I cannot say that the pit is behind me forever, but this I know, there are real treasures to be mined in the darkness, and we may be unaware that we are gathering them for the mining takes place through a struggle for survival. The treasures are real nonetheless. I say we, because the one thing that has really helped me along the way has been the company of others who are trusted to plunge into the depths carrying their faith down with them. These good folk have encouraged me and helped me when my heart and words failed.

I hope that these words might help someone else, for some depression is a fact of life, it is sometimes under control ( often managed by a low dose of anti-depressants) and sometimes it overwhelms us and forces us to look for help. Depression is not the result of sin ( although I admit it could be), nor is it a punishment, often it is stress related,  often it is quite simply an aspect of some personality types, and more often still an combination of all of these things.

What helps most on our journey through the pit is probably personal, these things have helped me:

1. Friends who understand.

2. Music, all different kinds.

3. Exercise, especially intentional walking.

4. Art and Icons, something to gaze upon outside of myself.

5. My family ( providing distractions to my navel gazing tendencies).

6. Worship, the temptation not to go is great, but it always helped.

What has not helped:

1. Comfort eating/ drinking

2. Shutting myself away ( I say this as a natural extrovert)

3.Feeling guilty about depression, listening to the voices that tell me this is not a valid place for a Christian to be!

I leave you with this, for when all else failed Bach came to my rescue!

exhaustion, changes, and the need for rest...

In our sector ( group of Chapels forming part of a Methodist Circuit) staff meeting this morning one of the things we discussed was the ability to be ourselves and not to cover stuff up. I am thinking about this as I struggle with waves of emotion and despair that remind me that a bout of depression might not be far away. I know that in order to deal with this that I will need to take a couple of days off, to rest and to be....

I suspect that the trigger is exhaustion, both mental and physical that follow a crazily busy week and the knowledge that more busyness is looming on the horizon. Denying myself the rest that I need would be stupid, and I may cope for a few weeks or even a few months by pushing down the tel-tale signs of depression but eventually it would catch up with me and it might render me useless for months. So I am going to take time out to be, and to do a few things that will feed my soul. I am going to listen to some music, to walk, and probably enjoy watching a bit of Wimbledon.

I am also going pray, probably not with words, but simply with availability, I need to set some time aside to be with God, to allow Her to minister to my exhaustion so that the streams of living water that have dried to a trickle within me might become thundering waterfalls and full flowing rivers. I need to lay down some of the stuff that I have picked up and don't need to be carrying alone, frustrations and niggles that can only be given to God. I need to pick up the strains and the beat of the unforced rhythms of grace again so that I can dance in time to heavens call...

It would be easy to deny where I am right now, to pretend that all is well, after all it is time to move on, I have passed my MA modules, I have finished training with ERMC, and I am about to be stationed in Yorkshire, and people expect me to be upbeat and excited. But right now I need some rest, perhaps then the excitement will return. Depression is still a taboo subject amongst Christians, but it shouldn't be. Depression does not come about through lack of faith or sin, some of are simply wired that way. God will not reject me for feeling like this, in fact I believe that the call to recognise and deal with an on coming bout of depression is a gift of grace and prevents burn out if I acknowledge and accept it.

And so I am going to respond to that call, I am going to rest, and I am going to be, and I know that I will be better equipped for it....

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind,
Yea, all I need, in thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

I rather liked this version of one of my favourite Hymns!