It is just over a month since I was signed off from work with stress related depression, this is an ongoing health issue for me and one that I will probably always have to deal with. Like other long term conditions such as diabetes depression is not something that simply goes away, it can be maintained with treatment, and needs monitoring to ensure a deep relapse does not happen. I have been back at work for two weeks now following a phased return to full time working that has allowed me to ease myself back in.
Having time off has allowed me to look back and to be honest the signs of an oncoming bout of depression were all there; extreme tiredness, an inability to enjoy life,for example I took no joy in our vegetable garden this year, last year I really enjoyed planting, tending, growing and harvesting, this year it has all seemed like too much hard work.There have been a number of contributing factors to this "relapse" into needing time out, and they accumulated so slowly that it was hard to spot what was happening until the straw that broke the camels back hit the pile and everything fell apart.
I am now back at work, the increased medication is being monitored by my G.P. and I am taking one day at a time. It is difficult to explain to people who have never suffered from depression quite what it is like, doing something to cheer me up may well make me smile, but that does not mean that I am better. Also I find myself saying to folk over and over again; "it is not your fault", because I have been open about what has been wrong with me many people assume that they have somehow been a burden. In 99.9% of the cases this is simply not true!
For myself I have to acknowledge that I do have good days and bad days, the last couple of days have been bad days and it has been a struggle to heave myself out of bed to get on with life. So I am learning to be gentle with myself. On Thursday I took a couple of hours out to walk and take photos, on Friday I did what had to be done and then simply enjoyed Jo and Dave's company and listened to stories of their honeymoon (not too many!) Today is my day off, so I have been fiddling around with bits of housework and will go out for a walk with Tim later.
I will continue to have good days and bad days, but am glad to say that the bad days are growing further apart, I am heeding peoples advice to be gentle with myself and am making use of the ministerial counselling service. I will also continue to be open about the fact that I suffer from depression, it is far too often a hidden illness and carries a stigma with it that it does not deserve. To many people suffer in silence and feel ashamed of their illness, but while it is so often invisible it is very real and can be extremely debilitating.
Through all of this I maintain a firm faith, I know that God has not and will not let me go, and I know that in him and with him I can continue to become the person he has called me to be because his grace is sufficient for me. Accepting God's grace is for me a key part in healing, to recognise God's grace as sufficient means accepting that there are many things I cannot do, that I need to lean upon him and sometimes upon others to accomplish what needs to be done. Accepting God's grace means being open about my weaknesses and flaws and learning to love myself anyway. Accepting God's grace means not beating myself up over things that may be left undone. I return again to the verses that strengthen me and give me hope, placing my hand into the hand of the one who invites the worn out and the weary to come to him:
Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." (Matthew 11:28-30)
I want to learn to live freely and lightly, and I cannot do it on my own!
