I am struggling with a re-occurrence of depression at the moment, it is not the first time I have suffered this and it probably won't be the last. Over the last couple of years life has brought with it all sorts of pressures and problems, and this summer when I really needed a rest and a break life proved to be anything but restful. The result was that I hit the beginning of the Methodist Church year in September feeling utterly exhausted. It didn't take many more things for me to find myself in the G.P's office with the result of being signed off for a couple of weeks.
Learning how to cope with stress helps, and mostly I am pretty good at that, but this time there was nothing I could do to avoid the circumstances that have brought about the need for time off. But I still feel guilty about it, I feel that I have failed a test somehow,or not quite made the mark! Whilst a rational part of me knows that this is not true the irrational me is still there whispering "there see, I told you you weren't up to this ministering lark!"
Interestingly another part of me believes that because I do suffer from depression it makes me more compassionate and willing to listen, more tolerant of others. While this is the case when I am well I also know that I must take care to heed the warning signs within myself, in early September I missed a couple of appointments, I have been tired and disinterested in life, struggling to motivate myself, even with exciting things going on around me.
A further problem is that depression is often simply misunderstood, one or two folk have suggested that I just need to pull myself together, someone declared that if I got on top of my diary all would be well. To be honest folks that would be like applying a plaster (a band-aid to my American friends ) to a broken arm. I am grateful to my G.P. for listening to me, and for sorting out my medication, but I wish that others would not see depression as a failing rather than an illness. If there were a real change in attitude then it might be easier for sufferers to seek help earlier. I know that a few times in late August and early September I tried to tell myself to get on with life and not to be depressed!
It would be easy for you to ask me what I have to be depressed about, but depression does not work like that. I am aware that I have many blessings, and much to be thankful for, and yet I am depressed, depression is an illness and it need treatment. So I have a couple of weeks off, and I am not going to hide the reason why from folk, mostly because I want them to understand that actually it is not the work of ministry that has got me down, it has been little problem after little problem, some personal, some not, and then a final big problem loomed on the horizon proving to be the straw that broke the camels back. I am taking the time because I am unwell, not because I am sad or a bit down. but really unwell. I am going to rest and take it easy. This weekend I am travelling down to Norfolk to see some friends and to baptise my god-daughter, and although I could see it as work in some senses actually it will be a joy, and as always there is healing to be found in the sacraments!
