Folk who have read my blog for a while now will know that I have had an ongoing battle with depression, this is not something I have tried to hide, and not something I am ashamed of, it is simply part of being me, and in part due to some fairly cr*p circumstances. You can read accounts here and here, and in other posts throughout late 2006 and early 2007. The previous few years had been tough and exhausting, and it took a very light straw to break the camel's back...
From that point on although I "recovered" I could not really say that I have experienced joy, in may ways life has been manageable but monochrome...
That is until recently. Recently I have sensed the clouds lifting, several things are indicators, the choice to really exercise again, and a desire to pray... I mean a real desire to pray, and an exercise routine that has been more than a flash in a pan! I have been swimming three times a week, trying to cover a mile each time, I have also been walking and cycling instead of driving whenever possible. I have even started sailing again! And I have enjoyed it.... (sailing... oh please....)
Tim and I have planted a vegetable garden and our diet has improved... there are lots of positive factors in life at the moment. But until recently joy has still eluded me..
Then it started to break through in unexpected moments... when I was listening to music, just driving through the countryside, through a conversation or encounter...so many little things...
One of the more unusual places has been through the funeral liturgy- the proclamation of life in the face of death is powerful, like bringing a candle into a dark place... a quote posted on facebook recently said this:
""A candle is a protest at midnight. It is non-conformist. It says to the darkness, 'I beg to differ.'" ~ Samuel Rayan
Another liturgical place of healing has been through the baptism liturgy- where the proclamation of grace is powerful in the words "All this for you"... for you Jesus came, lived, died and was raised to life again... "All this for you, before you could know anything of it..."
Life was returning,it was as if the first rain drops were falling on dry ground...
But I hadn't expected a flood of joy, but that is what I got last night, Tim and I had gone to a Wassail Evening at one of the Chapels' where I am Minister... it was fun... but more it was a real celebration of life.Wistow Choir is special in so many ways, not least because of the people it embraces with joy, much of this is down to the Choir Director Alison! I can't even tell you which song was being sung when I experienced a sudden rush of joy flooding over me, all I know is that it did.
Interestingly much of this has been tied up with my decision to offer for Methodist Ministry...
My preliminary interviews were held just as Chris came out of hospital, I was accepted for Foundation training, and it was part way through that that I collapsed in a heap... With the help and support of my tutor I worked through a lot of stuff and successfully candidated in 2007.
This all followed a real battle. Just before Chris was admitted to hospital we went to Spring Harvest as a family. I was struggling with my position as a Lay Worker at that point and the decision was as stark as candidate or leave... leaving meant walking away from God, offering for full time ministry meant walking towards him/her...
I chose to walk towards God... and that has been an ongoing decision. I pray that I will continue to walk in the right way. I don't expect life to be easy, but I choose life over death, and light over darkness... and yet I must acknowledge the struggle, it is not easy, but it is worth it!
Jesus said:
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." (Matthew 11: 28-30)
(Many thanks to my lovely husband Tim for introducing me to this music, and for supporting and encouraging me through the years)
This is where the healing begins....where light meets the dark- Tenth Avenue North
