The Royal Brompton Hospital was on the news twice this evening, both times for life saving, pioneering surgery; each time the folk involved spoke about the difference that surgery had made to their lives and what an emotional time it was. I listen to this as Christopher approaches yet another round of surgery at the Royal Brompton, and I must admit, I know what they mean.
Even though I will not accompany Chris this time ( his girlfriend Ness is going) it feels like we are approaching the edge of a cliff, each time we have to step off and abandon ourselves to God and to the Dr's skills. Each time feels like a test, even though theologically I cannot agree that it is. I do dare to say though that each time prayer becomes just a little more difficult. I don't think that this is lack of faith, it is simply weariness, a weariness that can reduce me to tears...
If this is weakness, then I admit that I am weak, and that all I can do is to accept the yoke of Christ, for through it he offers a relief from weariness, and from religions dogmas... I find myself returning to the passage as it is rendered in The Message:
Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." ( Matthew 11: 28-39)
And find that in the midst of the packing and sorting for moving, I must own my own weariness, I am unable as yet to get excited about the move, and even unable to be excited by the two family/ friend weddings that are to take place over the next week. Weariness does that to you... I have run out of whys(?), and simply want to get through to the other end, whilst hanging on to the slim hope that THIS TIME, all will go as planned.
Through all of this runs a prayer that we have prayed many times before, a prayer that echoes the promise given when Chris was first diagnosed:
"This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it." (John 11:4)
After 23 years we can say that although we have caught glimpses of that glory, that we are hungry for the real thing, for a release from the grave clothes that threaten to bind us. I say us because although it is Christopher's physical life that is affected, the effects of all of those years on the rest of us cannot be minimised, and through them we all bear different scars. We don't blame Chris, that would be crazy, and we don't blame God either, though we do question him....
...and so we hang on and wait and pray, Chris's op is on the 22nd July...
